As I mentioned earlier, education was and still is very important for my parents. I grew up knowing that I had to get the best grade I could get. Surely I was taught about thy shall not kill, thy shall not steal or lie, no drugs, etc, and other common social laws, but it was never emphasized to me about other more important virtues such as faith, hope, love, self control, fear of the Lord, etc. As long as I got good grades, and I didn't do drugs, steal, lie, or in other word kept myself away from jail, I was good to go. I knew about sins, but never really knew about mortal and venial sins. My parents were really supportive in education, they were loving parents, and they tried to raise their family as best as they can. Of course they made sure that none of their children bring shame and embarrassment to the family. Family honor is very important.
I never knew about modesty, that my body is 'the temple of Holy Spirit' so I dressed as...well...in that kind of fashion. My world was basically about...ME...
Since I entered school, I tried so hard to be accepted, to be that popular girl. At the age of 18, after graduating from high school, I went to college overseas, an hour away from my country of origin, in attempt to get 'better' formal education. So...an 18 year old young girl, with no strong foundation in Catholic Faith teaching, venture around enjoying her freedom, well, I still had to attend classes, of course. I did good in classes, though, but not in the area of my faith and salvation. I wanted to look 'cool', and did things that I wasn't supposed to do, of course I didn't do things that will put myself into jail, no drugs, and no gambling.
When I was a little girl, growing up, I was never really close to my dad. We never really talked heart to heart, and I feel that my dad never made an effort to get to know me. I was a little girl who was lacking of a fatherly love and cuddles. So, when I had my 'freedom', I was looking for male's attention that I didn't get from my dad at the wrong place. I always thought that having a boyfriend is cool. My parents, of course, didn't know my 'social' life, I wasn't that 'stupid' to tell them what I did. Besides, as long as my grades were good, no child, and healthy, they believe that I was behaving well enough and didn't embarrass them.
Graduating from this college, then I transferred my grades to another college in a different country in order to get my degree. This time, the country was a little bit further from my country of origin. It started the same all over again. I kept my grades well, found a part time job, while my faith, salvation and moral were questionable. It was all about good grades, fun, and guys.
Now, looking back, I could see the Good Lord's hands. Maybe..I should say I could see what He allowed me to experience. Remember when I wrote that I went to Mass out of obligation? well, every time I went to a new country for school, I felt homesick as I didn't know anybody and everything was still new to me. The only place I ran to is the Church. Mass was the only thing I felt I was home. There were 2 reasons I went to Mass, obligation and it felt like home. Yup, I went to Mass filthy, without even realizing the need of going to Confession. So...I kept on sinning, and at the same time I kept on going to Mass.
The lacking of father and daughter relationship in my life while I was growing up, made me realize how crucial the father's touch and love are for little children, especially girls. I am blessed with a husband who loves spending time with his kids. He loves cuddling with his girls and son too. They love tackling and climbing on top of daddy. He understands very well his role and how important it is for his children to have their daddy involves in their lives, especially for the girls.
I pray so hard that through my husband's love for his girls, if the Lord chooses married life as vocations for my girls, they will look for husbands who are no less than their earthly daddy. Our son will know how a husband should treat his family, or how a father should be, in married life or in priesthood.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
My kind of confession...part 1
I've been re-typing and re-reading this post over and over again. I've been debating if I should even post this story or just keep it for my personal journal, because I don't know what's going to happen once I put my deepest secret out there. On the other hand, it might be a story that will encourage people.
Pride is my root sin. Combine that with my Melancholic-Choleric Temperament, then it will be a nice combo for a disaster. That is why I feel the need to be very careful in writing this story. I need to write the story from my point of view, stating the fact without degrading anyone involved as it is easy for me whenever I get hurt to point finger at other people.
My story is ugly, it is filled with sins...any kind of sins. It is filled with anger and betrayal and pride. It is a story about an unforgiving soul, a broken one. This is a story that the Good Lord allowed and has been allowing me to experience. I'm still struggling to believe that nothing, I mean NOTHING will happen unless He wills it. This is a story about my youth, my failings, my joys, my losses, and my pains. This is a story about how angry I can be to The Lord, to myself, and to everyone involved.
However, as ugly as it is, The Good Lord is in it. Did I write this story because of pride? to feel sorry for myself? or is it for healing? I don't know. There are times that I feel the need to let it out. Not many people know my story. and to put it out there for who knows who might read it...well...I don't know.
I'm a cradle Catholic. I grew up in a Catholic family, but I didn't practice the faith so much. I couldn't remember if I went to Mass every Sunday or not when I was a kid. There were statues of Our Lord and Our Lady at my parents' house, but we never prayed as a family. My parents sent their children to well-known Catholic schools run by Ursulin nuns. They let the school taught the faith to their children. Only when I was in Junior High that I remember we went to Mass every Sunday, but at home, we never pray as a family. Mass was just an obligation. I didn't know much about Catholic Church, very little in fact, except Mass, 7 Sacraments, and there is a Pope. I very seldom went to Confession. Pathetic? yes..I know.
Both of my parents worked, all day. Education is their number one priority, and they vowed that they will give their children the best education they can give.
Everyday after school, since my grandparents' house closer to my school, I would go to my grandparents' house and spent the rest of the day there until my mom came home from work, and together, we went back to my parents' house. My grandparents were not Catholics, they love their grand kids so much that they spoiled us.
Everyday, my mom would call me from her work to make sure that I did my homework. My dad.....he was not involved so much, more to a quite type and let my mom took care of the kids, unless of course the kids needed discipline.
Growing up I was always told to do good to other people then they'll do good to you. A very wrong value I must say, as this is the value that I carried in my relationship with The Lord, and I'm still having trouble to assure myself that I don't have to do anything to get what I want, because no matter what I do, if it's not good for me, I won't get it anyway.
During our journey to our second child, I'd bargain with Him. I felt that maybe I was a bad mother, I couldn't even handle and got angry easily with one child, and He knew that, that's why He didn't want to give me more children. Maybe if I could prove it to Him I can handle more children, He'd give me what I want.
As an oldest child, a heavy burden was put on my shoulders, that I'm responsible for our family honor. I have paid a great price for this belief. I'm carrying a heavy cross because of this belief, and I'm suffering because of this belief. I have cried and cried asking for mercy to be freed from this suffering. I'm scared to repeat these words "Not my will, but Your will be done". I'm struggling to embrace this cross, and maybe that's why it feels heavier. Like I said, pride is my root sin.
Today, it is even hard for me to let go this belief. I am what I am, that God created me for His purpose only. I am not responsible for my family's honor. It also opened my eyes that children are not supposed to be given such heavy burden. Children are gifts from God. Who are we to put the responsibilities of family honor on their shoulders? they..all of us...are only expected to be responsible to God alone.
I should say that my experience growing up has taught me how important our Catholic faith is for a soul. It motivates me to grill my children, to plant the seeds in their hearts about the truth of the Catholic faith teaching. There was a lack of faith in my life when I was growing up and I pray so hard that the Lord will help me to teach my children about our Catholic Faith so that they don't have to learn it the hard way like I did.
I'm praying that I'm able to write the next part with deep humility.
Pride is my root sin. Combine that with my Melancholic-Choleric Temperament, then it will be a nice combo for a disaster. That is why I feel the need to be very careful in writing this story. I need to write the story from my point of view, stating the fact without degrading anyone involved as it is easy for me whenever I get hurt to point finger at other people.
My story is ugly, it is filled with sins...any kind of sins. It is filled with anger and betrayal and pride. It is a story about an unforgiving soul, a broken one. This is a story that the Good Lord allowed and has been allowing me to experience. I'm still struggling to believe that nothing, I mean NOTHING will happen unless He wills it. This is a story about my youth, my failings, my joys, my losses, and my pains. This is a story about how angry I can be to The Lord, to myself, and to everyone involved.
However, as ugly as it is, The Good Lord is in it. Did I write this story because of pride? to feel sorry for myself? or is it for healing? I don't know. There are times that I feel the need to let it out. Not many people know my story. and to put it out there for who knows who might read it...well...I don't know.
I'm a cradle Catholic. I grew up in a Catholic family, but I didn't practice the faith so much. I couldn't remember if I went to Mass every Sunday or not when I was a kid. There were statues of Our Lord and Our Lady at my parents' house, but we never prayed as a family. My parents sent their children to well-known Catholic schools run by Ursulin nuns. They let the school taught the faith to their children. Only when I was in Junior High that I remember we went to Mass every Sunday, but at home, we never pray as a family. Mass was just an obligation. I didn't know much about Catholic Church, very little in fact, except Mass, 7 Sacraments, and there is a Pope. I very seldom went to Confession. Pathetic? yes..I know.
Both of my parents worked, all day. Education is their number one priority, and they vowed that they will give their children the best education they can give.
Everyday after school, since my grandparents' house closer to my school, I would go to my grandparents' house and spent the rest of the day there until my mom came home from work, and together, we went back to my parents' house. My grandparents were not Catholics, they love their grand kids so much that they spoiled us.
Everyday, my mom would call me from her work to make sure that I did my homework. My dad.....he was not involved so much, more to a quite type and let my mom took care of the kids, unless of course the kids needed discipline.
Growing up I was always told to do good to other people then they'll do good to you. A very wrong value I must say, as this is the value that I carried in my relationship with The Lord, and I'm still having trouble to assure myself that I don't have to do anything to get what I want, because no matter what I do, if it's not good for me, I won't get it anyway.
During our journey to our second child, I'd bargain with Him. I felt that maybe I was a bad mother, I couldn't even handle and got angry easily with one child, and He knew that, that's why He didn't want to give me more children. Maybe if I could prove it to Him I can handle more children, He'd give me what I want.
As an oldest child, a heavy burden was put on my shoulders, that I'm responsible for our family honor. I have paid a great price for this belief. I'm carrying a heavy cross because of this belief, and I'm suffering because of this belief. I have cried and cried asking for mercy to be freed from this suffering. I'm scared to repeat these words "Not my will, but Your will be done". I'm struggling to embrace this cross, and maybe that's why it feels heavier. Like I said, pride is my root sin.
Today, it is even hard for me to let go this belief. I am what I am, that God created me for His purpose only. I am not responsible for my family's honor. It also opened my eyes that children are not supposed to be given such heavy burden. Children are gifts from God. Who are we to put the responsibilities of family honor on their shoulders? they..all of us...are only expected to be responsible to God alone.
I should say that my experience growing up has taught me how important our Catholic faith is for a soul. It motivates me to grill my children, to plant the seeds in their hearts about the truth of the Catholic faith teaching. There was a lack of faith in my life when I was growing up and I pray so hard that the Lord will help me to teach my children about our Catholic Faith so that they don't have to learn it the hard way like I did.
I'm praying that I'm able to write the next part with deep humility.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thank you...
Thank you Be Not Afraid for my first blog award. I feel honored. Unfortunately, since I'm new to this blog thingy, I haven't read or follow many Catholic blogs, so I'm not able to nominate anyone yet this time (wish I could nominate the nominator :) ). Humbly, I'm posting the badge. Thanks again.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Feeling blah...
These past few days have been hard. When I look back, I think I'm the most terrible wife and mother in a whole wide world. I'm selfish, stubborn, full of pride, and on and on and on. On the other hand, I think I was making my husband a saint....haha...seriously, the way that man reacted to all my craziness and weaknesses.....God did a good job when He paired the two of us.
Well, Theresa put Maria to sleep for a nap today. I was amazed and so proud of her. Now what am I going to do? she's already taking over on of my jobs :)
Well, Theresa put Maria to sleep for a nap today. I was amazed and so proud of her. Now what am I going to do? she's already taking over on of my jobs :)
Saturday, September 17, 2011
I don't wanna be a Saint and I don't wanna be Holy
Remember when I wrote about a monster that has been living inside me for almost 8 years? its name is anger. Well, he came out.
My past has shaped me into a private person for certain people. I now have a sense of belonging, very sensitive about anything done by certain people. All this while, for years, I have never set this thing called boundary. When I went to home-schooling conference this past summer, a priest talked about how important for us to set boundaries in order to be able to interact more freely and lovingly with other people.
Being hurt multiple times made me think to set this boundaries in order to give me time to heal since trust has been broken. I weighed this thought back and forward, and talked about this with DH since I don't want to do this out of anger and to do revenge, if I do that, then I'll have to include these in my confession.
The thought evaporated until last week, again, I felt the pain when some people took something that belongs to me.Some people might think it's nothing, and I admit it that it is nothing, but the value and story behind my feeling made this thing something very very important.
I decided to deliver the news, as polite as possible without bringing up the past, that we're setting boundaries to preserve my privacy. It didn't end up well. I was accused of so many things. I had to struggle to not reply anything because I know if I do reply, I'd reply it in anger and pain, but then I lost it. I let the monster out right in front of my Beloved, Our Lord. I told Him:
"I don't wanna be a Saint, I don't wanna be Holy, but just so you know, I'm scared of hell too"
Then all of a sudden, His image hanging on the cross appeared in my mind, still I wasn't satisfied, my thought was who did He think He is just showed up like that, then I continue:
"Do you know how hard it is not to reply?"
"Why is it so hard? why me? screw charity, never mind about love and forgiveness!!, you're such a demanding person, it's all too hard!!"
"If this is so hard, then I don't wanna be a Saint, but I'm scared of hell too!!"
In my mind I was yelling at Him, threw my fists at Him, walking around circling the crucifix, and still yelling and angry while His head just hanging down, the crown of thorns on Him, and His head was bleeding. Then I heard my inner heart saying "I know you don't want it, but you must"
Then my mind was brought to so many events when Theresa refused to do something that I told her.
Me: "do the laundry, please"
T: " I don't want to"
Me: "I know, but you must, sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to"
T: dragged her feet to do laundry out of obedience to me.
Sounds familiar. It's funny how Holy Spirit can just throw back everything at you. If being a Saint is so hard, I admit that I don't want to be one, it's just too much work. At the same time, I don't have any choice either. First of all, I'm scared of hell, and second of all I'm not made for this world OR hell. I was made for Heaven...oh well!!
My past has shaped me into a private person for certain people. I now have a sense of belonging, very sensitive about anything done by certain people. All this while, for years, I have never set this thing called boundary. When I went to home-schooling conference this past summer, a priest talked about how important for us to set boundaries in order to be able to interact more freely and lovingly with other people.
Being hurt multiple times made me think to set this boundaries in order to give me time to heal since trust has been broken. I weighed this thought back and forward, and talked about this with DH since I don't want to do this out of anger and to do revenge, if I do that, then I'll have to include these in my confession.
The thought evaporated until last week, again, I felt the pain when some people took something that belongs to me.Some people might think it's nothing, and I admit it that it is nothing, but the value and story behind my feeling made this thing something very very important.
I decided to deliver the news, as polite as possible without bringing up the past, that we're setting boundaries to preserve my privacy. It didn't end up well. I was accused of so many things. I had to struggle to not reply anything because I know if I do reply, I'd reply it in anger and pain, but then I lost it. I let the monster out right in front of my Beloved, Our Lord. I told Him:
"I don't wanna be a Saint, I don't wanna be Holy, but just so you know, I'm scared of hell too"
Then all of a sudden, His image hanging on the cross appeared in my mind, still I wasn't satisfied, my thought was who did He think He is just showed up like that, then I continue:
"Do you know how hard it is not to reply?"
"Why is it so hard? why me? screw charity, never mind about love and forgiveness!!, you're such a demanding person, it's all too hard!!"
"If this is so hard, then I don't wanna be a Saint, but I'm scared of hell too!!"
In my mind I was yelling at Him, threw my fists at Him, walking around circling the crucifix, and still yelling and angry while His head just hanging down, the crown of thorns on Him, and His head was bleeding. Then I heard my inner heart saying "I know you don't want it, but you must"
Then my mind was brought to so many events when Theresa refused to do something that I told her.
Me: "do the laundry, please"
T: " I don't want to"
Me: "I know, but you must, sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to"
T: dragged her feet to do laundry out of obedience to me.
Sounds familiar. It's funny how Holy Spirit can just throw back everything at you. If being a Saint is so hard, I admit that I don't want to be one, it's just too much work. At the same time, I don't have any choice either. First of all, I'm scared of hell, and second of all I'm not made for this world OR hell. I was made for Heaven...oh well!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
A boyfriend for a 6 year old? Really???
Last week I took Theresa for mommy and daughter day out. I nursed Maria really good, and put her for a nap, and DH played with Gerard. I needed to get some grocery, and Theresa wanted to choose her birthday cake (I now realised that choosing a birthday cake is a serious business for soon-to-be 6 girl).
Anyway, I decided that it's time for her to have a haircut. I normally just trim her bang myself, but since I didn't do a good job trimming the rest of her hair the other day, this time I gave in and spending my money on her hair.
So we went, and the hairdresser was really friendly and nice. It took a lot of effort from Theresa to sit still for such a long time. She started wiggling, and then the conversation went like this:
Hairdresser: "Don't move, you don't want your hair to be cricket, don't you? what would your boyfriend say?"
Me: "??"
Theresa:"...." (while looking at me)
Hairdresser: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Theresa: "???....."
Me to Theresa: "You have a friend who is a boy, you have friends who are boys and girls"
My baby girl doesn't know today's world definition of "boyfriend", which I'm really glad. She is only 6 years old. Is it so normal nowadays that a 6 year old is having a boyfriend? wow...
It's getting harder for parents nowadays to preserve the innocence of a child in today's world. Everyday, more and more the world is trying to rob these little souls' innocent.
We were watching TV (we don't watch TV during the day, when DH home, he turns on TV for a little while), and I can see my kids' eyes were glued to that screen and at the same time, I noticed how quickly DH change the channel, because everywhere he noticed the programs or commercials that are not suitable for the souls, young and old.
The conversation with the hairdresser made me realise that I have to arm myself to protect these innocent souls that The Lord entrusted into my care. How the world has become a very very scary place. At the same time, in prudence, I have to teach these children to become God's army. They need to know what's going on in the world in order to be able to fight for what is right. They need to know that we are in this world in order to know, love and serve God, and to prepare ourselves for Heaven, but we can not be part of the world, because we are not made for the world, we are made for Heaven.
Our weapons won't be deadly weapons, but our weapon will be Rosary and the Eucharist, and we'll be dressed in humility, prudence, and charity.
Now, if only I could find my dress of humility, prudence, and charity, so I can put it on myself and set a good example for my kids, because today I haven't been a charitable mommy toward my kiddos.
Anyway, I decided that it's time for her to have a haircut. I normally just trim her bang myself, but since I didn't do a good job trimming the rest of her hair the other day, this time I gave in and spending my money on her hair.
So we went, and the hairdresser was really friendly and nice. It took a lot of effort from Theresa to sit still for such a long time. She started wiggling, and then the conversation went like this:
Hairdresser: "Don't move, you don't want your hair to be cricket, don't you? what would your boyfriend say?"
Me: "??"
Theresa:"...." (while looking at me)
Hairdresser: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Theresa: "???....."
Me to Theresa: "You have a friend who is a boy, you have friends who are boys and girls"
My baby girl doesn't know today's world definition of "boyfriend", which I'm really glad. She is only 6 years old. Is it so normal nowadays that a 6 year old is having a boyfriend? wow...
It's getting harder for parents nowadays to preserve the innocence of a child in today's world. Everyday, more and more the world is trying to rob these little souls' innocent.
We were watching TV (we don't watch TV during the day, when DH home, he turns on TV for a little while), and I can see my kids' eyes were glued to that screen and at the same time, I noticed how quickly DH change the channel, because everywhere he noticed the programs or commercials that are not suitable for the souls, young and old.
The conversation with the hairdresser made me realise that I have to arm myself to protect these innocent souls that The Lord entrusted into my care. How the world has become a very very scary place. At the same time, in prudence, I have to teach these children to become God's army. They need to know what's going on in the world in order to be able to fight for what is right. They need to know that we are in this world in order to know, love and serve God, and to prepare ourselves for Heaven, but we can not be part of the world, because we are not made for the world, we are made for Heaven.
Our weapons won't be deadly weapons, but our weapon will be Rosary and the Eucharist, and we'll be dressed in humility, prudence, and charity.
Now, if only I could find my dress of humility, prudence, and charity, so I can put it on myself and set a good example for my kids, because today I haven't been a charitable mommy toward my kiddos.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Keeping my focus
The new school year has started. Theresa will be in 1st grade (yikes, has it been really 6 years?). We have started school here and there just to get the feel out of it, especially for me. This will be my first year home-schooling with a toddler and a baby, and I must say that it has been very interesting and challenging.DH has been busy with his teachings, grading, and other stuff related to his work.
These past few days, The Holy Spirit has been pulling me to one story from the Bible. It is the story where the disciples saw Jesus approaching their boat, in the middle of the ocean, by walking on the water. Peter, who always speak without thinking (I found out that he is a choleric), asked Jesus to call him because he wanted to walk on the water too. Jesus did call Peter, and he walked on the water toward Our Lord. While Peter was walking, the big wind blew, Peter was scared. He started to lose his focus on Christ, that's when he started sinking.
This story reminded me how I should keep my focus on Christ alone. My life will be busy with schooling and other things. There will be worries, starting from financial situation, mortgages, etc. The storm of life will start to shake me and I will start to sink, if I don't have my eyes fixed upon The Good Lord. At the same time, I'm comforted knowing that The Lord will always stay close by me. I know when I do 'sink' I can just quickly call out His name, and His hands will pull me out in no time, just like He pulled Peter when he started sinking and call out for Him.
I have to start disciplining myself to make prayers my priorities through out the day, in order to keep my sanity. During the home-schooling conference this past summer, a Carmelite nun said that if we are too busy to pray, we are busier than what The Lord intended us to be.
A dear holy priest once told me to keep my eyes upon the crucifix where I can draw all the strengths I need. Gazing at the crucifix, I can learn all the virtues from The Creator Himself, especially humility and charity, the virtues that I really need to learn the most.
So, what have we been learning so far?
These past few days, The Holy Spirit has been pulling me to one story from the Bible. It is the story where the disciples saw Jesus approaching their boat, in the middle of the ocean, by walking on the water. Peter, who always speak without thinking (I found out that he is a choleric), asked Jesus to call him because he wanted to walk on the water too. Jesus did call Peter, and he walked on the water toward Our Lord. While Peter was walking, the big wind blew, Peter was scared. He started to lose his focus on Christ, that's when he started sinking.
This story reminded me how I should keep my focus on Christ alone. My life will be busy with schooling and other things. There will be worries, starting from financial situation, mortgages, etc. The storm of life will start to shake me and I will start to sink, if I don't have my eyes fixed upon The Good Lord. At the same time, I'm comforted knowing that The Lord will always stay close by me. I know when I do 'sink' I can just quickly call out His name, and His hands will pull me out in no time, just like He pulled Peter when he started sinking and call out for Him.
I have to start disciplining myself to make prayers my priorities through out the day, in order to keep my sanity. During the home-schooling conference this past summer, a Carmelite nun said that if we are too busy to pray, we are busier than what The Lord intended us to be.
A dear holy priest once told me to keep my eyes upon the crucifix where I can draw all the strengths I need. Gazing at the crucifix, I can learn all the virtues from The Creator Himself, especially humility and charity, the virtues that I really need to learn the most.
So, what have we been learning so far?
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| Art |
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| If you give Gerard some paint.... |
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| Making pizza for lunch |
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| Making pie dough |
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| Science |
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| Geography |
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| When the artists need a bigger paper |
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| Showing off her cursive writing |
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| Thinking hard during Math test. She loves tests and can become giddy. I hope the excitement will last until High School |
Monday, August 29, 2011
....
Well, I was debating whether or not I should reveal the kiddos' names in this blog, then I realize, I can just use their baptism names. I never call them by their baptism name, and those are beautiful names, the names of the Saints. So...here they are
Ever since Gerard's adoption, there's this tug to start another adoption process again. It is something that is very dear to my heart. If it was up to me, I'd have filled out the applications and start the process.
Of course, I'm learning to let my DH to lead, trying to be a good and obedient wife, I mentioned this desire of mine to DH and asked him to think and pray about it.
Well, the good news is that he agrees to adopt again (YAY!!) the bad news is that he decided that we should wait, at least until our house in MS sell. Being a great and responsible provider he is, DH just have to make sure that his family has enough food to eat.
So, we wait ( I never like waiting, but again seems like our Lord knows that by keeping me waiting, I'll practice the virtue of patience) while I have this pile of names of different adoption agencies in my list..haha...
In the mean time, I'll continue to wait and say a novena, so our house in MS will sell, not only that we are able to adopt again, but also it will be so much better to get rid of that mortgage in MS.
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| Meet Theresa |
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| Meet Gerard |
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| Meet Maria |
Of course, I'm learning to let my DH to lead, trying to be a good and obedient wife, I mentioned this desire of mine to DH and asked him to think and pray about it.
Well, the good news is that he agrees to adopt again (YAY!!) the bad news is that he decided that we should wait, at least until our house in MS sell. Being a great and responsible provider he is, DH just have to make sure that his family has enough food to eat.
So, we wait ( I never like waiting, but again seems like our Lord knows that by keeping me waiting, I'll practice the virtue of patience) while I have this pile of names of different adoption agencies in my list..haha...
In the mean time, I'll continue to wait and say a novena, so our house in MS will sell, not only that we are able to adopt again, but also it will be so much better to get rid of that mortgage in MS.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Oh well....
Our fridge broke. We bought a house with a broken fridge. We moved into a new house that came with a fridge, and guess what? a month after we moved, the fridge decided that it's time for him to sleep for good.
Well, now we just have to hunt for a new fridge which is not a good situation since our financial budget is already so tight, but we need this thing called the fridge.
On a good side, this momma has a reason for taking a break from cooking..haha..no cooking, means no pots and pans and dirty dish to wash. Oh..and the house doesn't come with a dishwasher, either, beggars can't be choosers, as my DH will say. So..ever since we moved, I've been washing dishes by hands. It's time to train my oldest how to wash the dishes I guess.
Next time if we buy another house (which DH will say "not for another 20 years"), I'll make sure to find out how old the fridge is...Oh well...what a bummer :((
Well, now we just have to hunt for a new fridge which is not a good situation since our financial budget is already so tight, but we need this thing called the fridge.
On a good side, this momma has a reason for taking a break from cooking..haha..no cooking, means no pots and pans and dirty dish to wash. Oh..and the house doesn't come with a dishwasher, either, beggars can't be choosers, as my DH will say. So..ever since we moved, I've been washing dishes by hands. It's time to train my oldest how to wash the dishes I guess.
Next time if we buy another house (which DH will say "not for another 20 years"), I'll make sure to find out how old the fridge is...Oh well...what a bummer :((
Friday, August 26, 2011
I'm learning how to be angry with trust
I never know that I should learn how to be angry, but angry with trust. Growing up, I was taught that I have to do good, so other people will do good to me. If other people do something good for me, I have to repay them by doing something good for them. This teaching has caused me to feel bad for being angry at my parents. They are my parents after all, who raised me, paid for everything I need growing up, it would be so ungrateful if I'm angry at them. I owe them my life. They are great parents.
This perception has effected my relationship with God, my creator. I have learn and I'm still learning, that He loves me, no matter what. I don't have to do good things just to make Him loves me, even if I make mistakes, He will still love me just the same. I don't have to prove myself just to make Him give what I want. That's what I did, sometimes I still do, trying to manipulate my God. I have to keep reminding my self about this fact, that God loves me, and I don't have to prove myself, He loves me just the way I am.
Thanks to my Spiritual Director, she told me that it's okay to be angry at God, and I don't have to worry that He will get upset or stop providing me with what I need. He is the God of love. I have to learn to trust Him, and trusting His love for me, His love will never change. It does make sense though, He loves me to approach Him just the way I am even with my anger. If there's someone who can take my anger, that will be Him. After all, He created me with all my emotions. How can He heal me, heal my anger if I don't let Him, if I keep clinging to it?
I have this ugly monster in me called anger. Anger has been sleeping nice and quite (most of the time) for almost 8 years. Once in a while the Good Lord let or allow for the wound to open and I can feel the pain ripping my chest, fresh and new as if it was like yesterday. The wound is so deep that when it hurts, I will start feeling this anger toward God, my parents, and myself, then it will be a great struggle for me to throw myself at His mercy, because I can feel Satan is trying to keep me from going to my God in my anger. I'm learning that every time the anger arises, I have to bring my anger to the light, I have to admit that I'm angry toward God, so Satan can't use it any more. Is this how He heals me? I don't know...How long will it take for me to heal? soon..I hope (it's been almost 8 years) or maybe He won't allow it to heal so He can use it to draw me closer to Him, I don't know.... but I know He is a great physician, I just need to trust Him, although often I have to repeat this "Lord, I do believe, help my unbelieve"
This perception has effected my relationship with God, my creator. I have learn and I'm still learning, that He loves me, no matter what. I don't have to do good things just to make Him loves me, even if I make mistakes, He will still love me just the same. I don't have to prove myself just to make Him give what I want. That's what I did, sometimes I still do, trying to manipulate my God. I have to keep reminding my self about this fact, that God loves me, and I don't have to prove myself, He loves me just the way I am.
Thanks to my Spiritual Director, she told me that it's okay to be angry at God, and I don't have to worry that He will get upset or stop providing me with what I need. He is the God of love. I have to learn to trust Him, and trusting His love for me, His love will never change. It does make sense though, He loves me to approach Him just the way I am even with my anger. If there's someone who can take my anger, that will be Him. After all, He created me with all my emotions. How can He heal me, heal my anger if I don't let Him, if I keep clinging to it?
I have this ugly monster in me called anger. Anger has been sleeping nice and quite (most of the time) for almost 8 years. Once in a while the Good Lord let or allow for the wound to open and I can feel the pain ripping my chest, fresh and new as if it was like yesterday. The wound is so deep that when it hurts, I will start feeling this anger toward God, my parents, and myself, then it will be a great struggle for me to throw myself at His mercy, because I can feel Satan is trying to keep me from going to my God in my anger. I'm learning that every time the anger arises, I have to bring my anger to the light, I have to admit that I'm angry toward God, so Satan can't use it any more. Is this how He heals me? I don't know...How long will it take for me to heal? soon..I hope (it's been almost 8 years) or maybe He won't allow it to heal so He can use it to draw me closer to Him, I don't know.... but I know He is a great physician, I just need to trust Him, although often I have to repeat this "Lord, I do believe, help my unbelieve"
I'm praying...
I'm seeking for God's guidance. There is this heavy thing in me heart that I feel the need to write. However, the wound hasn't healed yet, not even close. Why would He want me to write something that hasn't healed yet?
Is this what He wants for His glory? or is it Satan who is trying to deceive me into falling to a pit of self pity or pride?well...back to invoking The Holy Spirit's guidance then...
Is this what He wants for His glory? or is it Satan who is trying to deceive me into falling to a pit of self pity or pride?well...back to invoking The Holy Spirit's guidance then...
Sunday, August 21, 2011
My heart hurts...
I have to be honest, I enjoy reading adoption blogs. I enjoy reading the families being reunited with their children. Domestic adoption is holding a special place in my heart. When I read that a new family is welcoming their newborn baby through the miracle of domestic adoption, I'm rejoicing with the new family, but at the same time, my heart hurts. My heart is grieving for the birth mother. When I see the smile of new parents holding their new baby, my thought turns to the baby's birth mother and hoping that her heart will heal soon, and how I wish I could balm that tender heart that is broken into pieces. May the Good Lord give the birth mother peace over the decision that she made warm-heartedly.
Friday, August 12, 2011
My baby boy is two..
My son will be two in less than 24 hours. How did this happen? where did the time go? He is growing up so fast..("that's good" is what DH will say)
On his birthday, I remember his birth mother. I'm wondering what she's thinking, is she remembering the time when she brought this precious life into this world. I'm thankful for this special lady each and every day. I'm thankful for her to choose life for this little life, I'm thankful that she was able to hold Mr.C on the first few days of his life. It would be a great story for Mr. C on his birthday to find out the love and sacrifices that his birth mother have for him. I'm thankful for being able to be Mr. C's mommy because of this special lady.
At the same time, my heart is breaking for her. My heart is breaking because she can't celebrate Mr.C's birthday with us. My heart is breaking because her heart is breaking. I'm praying that The Lord will heal this special lady's heart as well as my heart.
On his birthday, I remember his birth mother. I'm wondering what she's thinking, is she remembering the time when she brought this precious life into this world. I'm thankful for this special lady each and every day. I'm thankful for her to choose life for this little life, I'm thankful that she was able to hold Mr.C on the first few days of his life. It would be a great story for Mr. C on his birthday to find out the love and sacrifices that his birth mother have for him. I'm thankful for being able to be Mr. C's mommy because of this special lady.
At the same time, my heart is breaking for her. My heart is breaking because she can't celebrate Mr.C's birthday with us. My heart is breaking because her heart is breaking. I'm praying that The Lord will heal this special lady's heart as well as my heart.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Five Loaves and Two Fish
Father's homily this past Sunday was so great, well, at least for me personally. What he said was hitting home. The Gospel was about Our Dear Lord fed the multitude with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, and somehow...well, we all know the story.
Father mentioned that often times when we are told to list all the gifts and weaknesses that we have, somehow the list of weaknesses is longer than the list of the gifts. More often than not, we don't realize that the weaknesses The Lord gives us can be viewed as His gifts too. We're often too concern with what we don't have, we're too concern with our weaknesses. The Lord gives the right amount of gifts to each of us to get to heaven,and He gives the right amount of blessings to make us happy, not one less and not one more. The Lord gives us weaknesses, so that we can turn to Him always. If we could do everything on our own, if we didn't have any weaknesses, we wouldn't turn to Him.
Well, this homily somehow was The Lord's answer to my whining. We moved up to Iowa about a year ago and I'm still having a hard time adjusting with our new life. This town is wonderful, a perfect place to raise a family, but it takes time for me to make it a home. DH likes it here. He loves his new job. I'm keeping my eyes toward my Blessed Mother to teach me to trust my husband, to let him lead this family the way St. Joseph led the Holy Family. It is hard, I have no idea how she could do it.
In Mississippi, we had a wonderful parish, with a holy priest. We know so many wonderful families, homeschooling families who are in the same boat with us journeying to heaven. I had my routine with The Lord in Holy Hour on Mondays, I'll just say that it was my comfort zone. I thought I had everything I need to be a Saint, after all that's what The Lord wants right? to make me a Saint.
Then suddenly, He took our family out of our comfort zone, My comfort zone, and He placed us here, in the middle of nowhere. Why? I don't know..no Holy Hour, no Catholic homeschooling group close by, no prayer group, nothing. I cried, wanting to go back to Mississippi. I whined, asking The Lord 'How can I be a Saint if I didn't have what I had in Mississippi?' where's my support? where are my friends?just like St. Francis and St. Clare, hand in hand in their journey to sainthood.
Then I read the story about St. Matilda and her love of the Gospel and Mass. I realized that I have all that I need, even here in Iowa....Mass, Gospel, and my family. All I need is to seek His Kingdom. It doesn't matter where, He'll provide the rest. Just like 5 loaves and 2 fish were presented to The Lord and He blessed them and made them abundant, I have to do the same. I have to present to Him everything that I have, and He'll do the rest. I keep reminding myself that this might be a new cross that He gives me. I realize that I might cling too much on what I had in Mississippi that I forgot about The Lord, whom I'm supposed to cling to. Just like father said in his homily, The Lord gives me blessings and gifts at the right amount to get me to heaven, not one less and not one more. I'm learning how to be grateful with my weaknesses, because His graces will suffice.
Father mentioned that often times when we are told to list all the gifts and weaknesses that we have, somehow the list of weaknesses is longer than the list of the gifts. More often than not, we don't realize that the weaknesses The Lord gives us can be viewed as His gifts too. We're often too concern with what we don't have, we're too concern with our weaknesses. The Lord gives the right amount of gifts to each of us to get to heaven,and He gives the right amount of blessings to make us happy, not one less and not one more. The Lord gives us weaknesses, so that we can turn to Him always. If we could do everything on our own, if we didn't have any weaknesses, we wouldn't turn to Him.
Well, this homily somehow was The Lord's answer to my whining. We moved up to Iowa about a year ago and I'm still having a hard time adjusting with our new life. This town is wonderful, a perfect place to raise a family, but it takes time for me to make it a home. DH likes it here. He loves his new job. I'm keeping my eyes toward my Blessed Mother to teach me to trust my husband, to let him lead this family the way St. Joseph led the Holy Family. It is hard, I have no idea how she could do it.
In Mississippi, we had a wonderful parish, with a holy priest. We know so many wonderful families, homeschooling families who are in the same boat with us journeying to heaven. I had my routine with The Lord in Holy Hour on Mondays, I'll just say that it was my comfort zone. I thought I had everything I need to be a Saint, after all that's what The Lord wants right? to make me a Saint.
Then suddenly, He took our family out of our comfort zone, My comfort zone, and He placed us here, in the middle of nowhere. Why? I don't know..no Holy Hour, no Catholic homeschooling group close by, no prayer group, nothing. I cried, wanting to go back to Mississippi. I whined, asking The Lord 'How can I be a Saint if I didn't have what I had in Mississippi?' where's my support? where are my friends?just like St. Francis and St. Clare, hand in hand in their journey to sainthood.
Then I read the story about St. Matilda and her love of the Gospel and Mass. I realized that I have all that I need, even here in Iowa....Mass, Gospel, and my family. All I need is to seek His Kingdom. It doesn't matter where, He'll provide the rest. Just like 5 loaves and 2 fish were presented to The Lord and He blessed them and made them abundant, I have to do the same. I have to present to Him everything that I have, and He'll do the rest. I keep reminding myself that this might be a new cross that He gives me. I realize that I might cling too much on what I had in Mississippi that I forgot about The Lord, whom I'm supposed to cling to. Just like father said in his homily, The Lord gives me blessings and gifts at the right amount to get me to heaven, not one less and not one more. I'm learning how to be grateful with my weaknesses, because His graces will suffice.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I miss my time with The Lord
Our previous parish in Mississippi has Holy Hour on Mondays and Tuesdays.I remember the first time I went to Holy Hour, to be with The Lord. I was just curious, I didn't signed up, because I've never thought I would make it my "regular". As soon as I entered the chapel, there He was, He filled that small room with peace. I sat in the pew, and thought.."now what?" so I just sat there, and a few minutes later I decided to say my Rosary. After I was finished with my prayers, I sat again in silent, gazing at the One who has loved me first. There He was in the form of bread...my King.
After my first encounter with Him, I kept going back. Often times I said my Rosary, then I just sat in silent. His beauty amazes me. There were times that I was so tired, couldn't even pray, but just sit there without saying anything, just to be with Him. Being with Him and being able to just sit and rest was priceless.
So Monday nights were my time with Him. At 7 pm until 8 pm I would come and just be with Him. I remember being tired from daily activities, and I sat there. I remember being confused, and I sat there.
I remember I spent my time with The Lord begging Him to save the baby in my womb and let the baby to be born or at least if He wanted to take the baby with Him, I begged Him to make it quick. He did answer my prayers. He did make it quick and took the baby to heaven and gave me a tremendous peace of heart.
I remember I cried and I sat there. I remember writing to Him while I sat there with Him. I remember I was in pain knowing that wonderful women all around me were pregnant and I sat there with Him. I remember begging Him to bless us with another child, and I sat there. I remember being angry, and I sat there. I remember being jealous, and I sat there. I remember telling, well..my heart screamed actually "IT'S NOT FAIR" right in front of His face. I remember the pain from Mr.C's adoption journey, and I sat there with Him. I remember the joy bringing Mr. C to Him during Holy hour.
All moms need a rest from from their never ending work, caring their families. My rest was with with The Lord in Holy Hour. Since we moved up to Iowa, our current parish doesn't have Holy Hour, and I know something is missing.
After my first encounter with Him, I kept going back. Often times I said my Rosary, then I just sat in silent. His beauty amazes me. There were times that I was so tired, couldn't even pray, but just sit there without saying anything, just to be with Him. Being with Him and being able to just sit and rest was priceless.
So Monday nights were my time with Him. At 7 pm until 8 pm I would come and just be with Him. I remember being tired from daily activities, and I sat there. I remember being confused, and I sat there.
I remember I spent my time with The Lord begging Him to save the baby in my womb and let the baby to be born or at least if He wanted to take the baby with Him, I begged Him to make it quick. He did answer my prayers. He did make it quick and took the baby to heaven and gave me a tremendous peace of heart.
I remember I cried and I sat there. I remember writing to Him while I sat there with Him. I remember I was in pain knowing that wonderful women all around me were pregnant and I sat there with Him. I remember begging Him to bless us with another child, and I sat there. I remember being angry, and I sat there. I remember being jealous, and I sat there. I remember telling, well..my heart screamed actually "IT'S NOT FAIR" right in front of His face. I remember the pain from Mr.C's adoption journey, and I sat there with Him. I remember the joy bringing Mr. C to Him during Holy hour.
All moms need a rest from from their never ending work, caring their families. My rest was with with The Lord in Holy Hour. Since we moved up to Iowa, our current parish doesn't have Holy Hour, and I know something is missing.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
This is what I got from my Dear Husband
Very exciting, isn't it? I hope Miss.A will share our excitement this year. She'll be in first grade...my baby is growing up so fast.....So my DH is responsible in getting Math books, and I'm hoping and planning, and praying, and more hoping that we're able to go to this huge homeschooling conference to get more fun books.
Well, I think I'm good with readings, I have The Writing Road to Reading, and 100 Easy Way To Read (I think that's what it is), I haven't decided which one I'll use for Miss.A, but I'm leaning toward the 100...see whether it will work for her or not. I'm good with religion, I have Chat With God's Little Ones, but I still want to see what the vendors have in that conference.
I went to that conference 2 years ago, and I had so much fun, and hungry eyes...those books were like screaming at me to buy them. I know I have to give my credit card to DH when I go to the conference this time.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Our Spring Break...
We are enjoying spring break with DH. Last Thursday, we decided to have a little family gate away. Besides, it's time for a little field trip. We visited children science museum, and had lots of fun. I think DH had more fun and more curiosity than the kids.
We watched Coral Reef at Cinedome. Mr.C was not really interested in the movie, and he fell asleep on his daddy's lap. After the movie, off we went to see and try all the cool stuff in science museum. Miss.A loved to try different thing in the museum. We saw a mini presentation about turtle and tortoise, although it's too bad Pollo the snake just had his lunch, so we weren't able to see him up close and personal, since he needs 24 hours to digest his food..or else...I can't even imagine...it's too gross.
Mr.C's biggest hit was stepping on huge piano keys on the floor. and of course walking around checking everything and anything.
After spending half a day in a museum, we checked in to our hotel room. As soon as we got settled, Miss.A, DH, and Mr.C put on their swim suit (well, swimming diaper for Mr.C), and off they went to indoor water park at the hotel.
The next morning, since it was a nice day..so we thought..we decided to go to the zoo. It was a nice day, the sun was out, but the wind chill was a little bit too chilly. I didn't take too many photos as I was trying to keep warm myself, and to make sure that Miss.AM was warm enough snuggling in her sling, close to my heart. Some animals were actives, though, walking around. We even saw tigers quite up close and personal. We saw a black rhino, who just had a baby couple of months ago (now I regret that no photos of the rhino).
Well, we had fun, and we enjoyed our little gate away. Can't wait till summer for our road trip.
We watched Coral Reef at Cinedome. Mr.C was not really interested in the movie, and he fell asleep on his daddy's lap. After the movie, off we went to see and try all the cool stuff in science museum. Miss.A loved to try different thing in the museum. We saw a mini presentation about turtle and tortoise, although it's too bad Pollo the snake just had his lunch, so we weren't able to see him up close and personal, since he needs 24 hours to digest his food..or else...I can't even imagine...it's too gross.
Mr.C's biggest hit was stepping on huge piano keys on the floor. and of course walking around checking everything and anything.
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| Mr.C is taking his morning nap |
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| Miss.A is checking out a robot they use in Mars |
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| Just trying out outer space suit |
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| Mmhhh..what should I do with this one? |
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| Busy bees |
After spending half a day in a museum, we checked in to our hotel room. As soon as we got settled, Miss.A, DH, and Mr.C put on their swim suit (well, swimming diaper for Mr.C), and off they went to indoor water park at the hotel.
The next morning, since it was a nice day..so we thought..we decided to go to the zoo. It was a nice day, the sun was out, but the wind chill was a little bit too chilly. I didn't take too many photos as I was trying to keep warm myself, and to make sure that Miss.AM was warm enough snuggling in her sling, close to my heart. Some animals were actives, though, walking around. We even saw tigers quite up close and personal. We saw a black rhino, who just had a baby couple of months ago (now I regret that no photos of the rhino).
Well, we had fun, and we enjoyed our little gate away. Can't wait till summer for our road trip.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Two months...
I can't believe that two months ago, I gave birth to our third little miracle. Time goes really fast. We found out that we were pregnant with Miss. AM around the same time we were pregnant with the baby we lost through miscarriage in 2007, and our angle baby's due date was around the same time as Miss. AM's due date. We were supposed to hold our baby back in February 2008, but God decided to call our baby home in April 2007, and Miss. AM was born in January 2011.
We didn't expect to get pregnant with Miss. AM, we were trying, if it happened, it happened, if not, oh well....when we were trying, at the same time we were preparing our paperwork for next adoption. Yes, we wanted to adopt again when Mr.C's adoption was finalized. Couple of months before Mr.C's court date, I was running like crazy to get all the paperwork updated.
When the paperwork was almost done, we took a little trip to Atlanta, because DH had a conference there for a week, while Mr.C, Miss. A and myself visited different places, and had tons of fun.
I took my laptop with me since my NFP program is there, and I needed to chart my temperature still, I had my thermometer too. I was late for couple of days, and my tempt was still high. I was kind of wondering, but I didn't get my hopes up since I was experiencing some menstrual cramp, for almost 4 years trying to get pregnant with no result, and when I thought I was pregnant then the cramp came, few days later, my period started, so it was the same feeling this time.
I waited for my period to come, but still nothing...in the mean time my temp still rising high, now...according to the book, if the body tempt is still high for about 3 weeks after ovulation, no pregnancy test is needed because for sure it means a positive pregnancy. I was late for 1 week, and in that 1 week I had high tempt. I decided to waste my money and buy a pregnancy test.
We were in a hotel room, at night, watching a movie 300 while the kids were sleeping. I gathered all my courage to take the test, I was scared to be disappointed, and I kept telling my self 'it will be negative' just to guard my feeling. Few minutes later, I saw the result, and it was read 'positive', the rest was history....
God had a plan for our family....all those years of trying to get pregnant..it was like God was telling us 'Wait, I have a son for you, My plan is far more perfect than yours' He was right, He always right....Mr.C came to our lives, and it was beautiful, it was perfect, and He never outdone His blessings, He gave us this baby girl as well...
He turned my tears into joy with Mr.C's adoption, and He made me fell down in adoration at His feet, and feeling unworthy...totally unworthy.... with the newest blessing for our family.
What have I done to deserve such blessings? I've done NOTHING except causing Him pain through my failings, yet He keeps showing me how much He loves me, how He knows what I need...
Together with my Heavenly Mother, I'll say " My soul proclaims the greatness of The Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for He has looked upon His handmaid's lowliness....The Mighty One has done great things for me and Holy is His name...."(Luk 1:46-49)
We didn't expect to get pregnant with Miss. AM, we were trying, if it happened, it happened, if not, oh well....when we were trying, at the same time we were preparing our paperwork for next adoption. Yes, we wanted to adopt again when Mr.C's adoption was finalized. Couple of months before Mr.C's court date, I was running like crazy to get all the paperwork updated.
When the paperwork was almost done, we took a little trip to Atlanta, because DH had a conference there for a week, while Mr.C, Miss. A and myself visited different places, and had tons of fun.
I took my laptop with me since my NFP program is there, and I needed to chart my temperature still, I had my thermometer too. I was late for couple of days, and my tempt was still high. I was kind of wondering, but I didn't get my hopes up since I was experiencing some menstrual cramp, for almost 4 years trying to get pregnant with no result, and when I thought I was pregnant then the cramp came, few days later, my period started, so it was the same feeling this time.
I waited for my period to come, but still nothing...in the mean time my temp still rising high, now...according to the book, if the body tempt is still high for about 3 weeks after ovulation, no pregnancy test is needed because for sure it means a positive pregnancy. I was late for 1 week, and in that 1 week I had high tempt. I decided to waste my money and buy a pregnancy test.
We were in a hotel room, at night, watching a movie 300 while the kids were sleeping. I gathered all my courage to take the test, I was scared to be disappointed, and I kept telling my self 'it will be negative' just to guard my feeling. Few minutes later, I saw the result, and it was read 'positive', the rest was history....
God had a plan for our family....all those years of trying to get pregnant..it was like God was telling us 'Wait, I have a son for you, My plan is far more perfect than yours' He was right, He always right....Mr.C came to our lives, and it was beautiful, it was perfect, and He never outdone His blessings, He gave us this baby girl as well...
He turned my tears into joy with Mr.C's adoption, and He made me fell down in adoration at His feet, and feeling unworthy...totally unworthy.... with the newest blessing for our family.
What have I done to deserve such blessings? I've done NOTHING except causing Him pain through my failings, yet He keeps showing me how much He loves me, how He knows what I need...
Together with my Heavenly Mother, I'll say " My soul proclaims the greatness of The Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for He has looked upon His handmaid's lowliness....The Mighty One has done great things for me and Holy is His name...."(Luk 1:46-49)
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| Miss. AM just born |
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| I finally got to meet her |
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| Two months old |
Monday, March 7, 2011
My Soul is filthy...
Last Sunday, I had all the intention to go for Confession...it's long overdue...my soul is filthy right now. I made everybody to get ready quickly so I could go to Confession. Really...they should have priests special for mothers with little kids...
I asked DH to stay inside the car with the kids while I go to Confession. Miss.AM was just screaming her lung out, I knew I had to leave her or I won't be able to make it to Confession again. Miss. A overheard about me going to Confession and she said " ya mama, you should go to Confession because you made mistakes at me"..love that little heart of hers. People say that if you don't know your sins and what to confess, go ask your spouse or your children, they'll tell you your sins.
I didn't go to Confession though, I waited in front of the room, but the priest didn't come :(, in the bulletin said Confession is 15 minutes before Mass, but I guess not that Sunday...no Confession for me, I'll try again next Sunday.
I asked DH to stay inside the car with the kids while I go to Confession. Miss.AM was just screaming her lung out, I knew I had to leave her or I won't be able to make it to Confession again. Miss. A overheard about me going to Confession and she said " ya mama, you should go to Confession because you made mistakes at me"..love that little heart of hers. People say that if you don't know your sins and what to confess, go ask your spouse or your children, they'll tell you your sins.
I didn't go to Confession though, I waited in front of the room, but the priest didn't come :(, in the bulletin said Confession is 15 minutes before Mass, but I guess not that Sunday...no Confession for me, I'll try again next Sunday.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I still remember...
I still remember as if it was yesterday....April 2007, when we found out that we were pregnant with our second child, but four days later I started bleeding. I fell down on my knees and cried, begging The Lord and Blessed Mother to save the baby, to let me care for the baby here on earth. I begged Him if He wanted to take this baby early to heaven, He does it quickly and don't leave me in limbo. Couple of days later, I had a miscarriage. We lost our baby, I didn't get a chance to baptize him as it happened so fast. Surprisingly, I didn't cry, I was at peace and relieved, knowing that my prayers were answered.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, after the miscarriage, we tried to get pregnant again, with no luck. We went to doctors, RE, did lots of tests, clomid, needles, planning for IUI (we didn't do it, somehow, God's hands were on it, and it didn't happen). Tears, pains, longings, jealousy, despair, you name it, I had it. I offered more prayers, more sacrifices, more Mass...nothing.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, when we decided to pursue adoption. Adoption has been very dear to our hearts, somehow, again, God led us to it. We chose the agency, we did the paper work, home study, profile book, and it was all done, and we waited...for one and a half long years. In the mean time, more tears, more prayers, more sacrifices, more pain, more longing, more despair, you name it, I had it.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, we spent summer 2009 in Virginia. We just came back from visiting my in laws in Pennsylvania. I was checking my e-mails, and saw one from our social worker about a birth mother situation. She wanted to meet us. She chose another family, and somehow, she felt in her heart that she wanted to meet us also. I can see now that it was Holy Spirit who place that in her heart. I was excited, but DH was on guard. 'She chose another family already' he kept saying, our family was just for reassurance, or second choice. I kept praying and praying, and praying, in tears begging The Lord for peace. Rosary was my constant companion.
We flew just to meet this wonderful young lady. I still remember as if it was yesterday, after the meeting, we didn't know what to expect, we went to a hotel, took a nap, but I couldn't sleep. I went to a bathroom, and said my novena(I know, bathroom is the one place I can pray without being disturbed). When I was finished my prayer, our cell phone rang, it was our social worker, saying that the birth mother decided to chose us to adopt her baby....Never Ever Underestimate the power of Three Hail Marys Novena. DH was still on guard, it was not finished.
While waiting for the baby boy to be born, Rosary was my constant companion, I kept praying and praying, to be allowed to adopt this baby boy. I kept praying and praying, telling God that I was scared to get hurt, to be disappointed, I was scared to hope, but I was scared not to hope, I kept repeating what Our Lord said in the garden 'Not My will, but Your will be done'. I kept saying 'Lord, let Your will be my will'
I still remember as if it was yesterday, the baby boy was born. The birth mother had a very hard time letting him go for her love for this sweet child is huge. We prayed and waited and prayed and waited. We were in limbo, Our world was turning upside down.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, the excitement to receive a phone call telling me that the birth mother will sign the surrender paper, only to find out on the day when she was supposed to sign and we picked our baby boy, that it was not going to happen. She still couldn't let go.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, the tears as I put back the crib back in the garage. I put back the baby clothes that I washed and folded back in storage, I gave away the diapers, binkies, and lotion to my dear friend who was expecting a baby girl. I fell down on my knees, with tears, crying uncontrollably, I opened my heart to let Our Lord see the pain I have. I didn't blame Him, I understood, but still the pain was there. This happened for 1 long month. The pain, the suffering, was so intense. Sorrowful Mystery from The Rosary was the only Mystery that I could pray with tears. Amazingly, I prayed it well, as I could relate my pain (although my pain was nothing compare to His) to Our Lord's pain during His suffering. I placed everything, nothing to hide at the foot of His Cross. I was searching for Blessed Mother hands to hold when I prayed, I was burying my face on her lap as I wept.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, It was Thursday, Sept 10, 2009, we just came back from our monthly homeschooling meeting. I had a headache, so as soon as we got home, I was getting ready for bed. DH was preparing Miss. A to bed. It was 9pm when our cell phone rang. It was our social worker..the conversation was like:
SC: Hi Amelia, how are you?
Me: good, how are you?
SC: Good, do you have any plans tonight?
Me: (well, it's 9 pm, and I'm in PJ my plan is to sleep) No, not really
SC: Do yo think you can go out again and pick up your son?
Me: speechless....you're joking right?
I still remember as if it was yesterday, at 9pm, DH heard me screaming of joy, ran to the kitchen, and I told him we had to get going and pick up our son. We loaded the car seat, we didn't have any diapers, and we drove 1 1/2 hours in the middle of the night to pick up our son.
God is faithful. He held our hands in those trials, He understood our pain, He wept with us. At the end, He turned our tears into joy.
"More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones." -St. Therese of The Child Jesus-
I still remember as if it was yesterday, after the miscarriage, we tried to get pregnant again, with no luck. We went to doctors, RE, did lots of tests, clomid, needles, planning for IUI (we didn't do it, somehow, God's hands were on it, and it didn't happen). Tears, pains, longings, jealousy, despair, you name it, I had it. I offered more prayers, more sacrifices, more Mass...nothing.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, when we decided to pursue adoption. Adoption has been very dear to our hearts, somehow, again, God led us to it. We chose the agency, we did the paper work, home study, profile book, and it was all done, and we waited...for one and a half long years. In the mean time, more tears, more prayers, more sacrifices, more pain, more longing, more despair, you name it, I had it.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, we spent summer 2009 in Virginia. We just came back from visiting my in laws in Pennsylvania. I was checking my e-mails, and saw one from our social worker about a birth mother situation. She wanted to meet us. She chose another family, and somehow, she felt in her heart that she wanted to meet us also. I can see now that it was Holy Spirit who place that in her heart. I was excited, but DH was on guard. 'She chose another family already' he kept saying, our family was just for reassurance, or second choice. I kept praying and praying, and praying, in tears begging The Lord for peace. Rosary was my constant companion.
We flew just to meet this wonderful young lady. I still remember as if it was yesterday, after the meeting, we didn't know what to expect, we went to a hotel, took a nap, but I couldn't sleep. I went to a bathroom, and said my novena(I know, bathroom is the one place I can pray without being disturbed). When I was finished my prayer, our cell phone rang, it was our social worker, saying that the birth mother decided to chose us to adopt her baby....Never Ever Underestimate the power of Three Hail Marys Novena. DH was still on guard, it was not finished.
While waiting for the baby boy to be born, Rosary was my constant companion, I kept praying and praying, to be allowed to adopt this baby boy. I kept praying and praying, telling God that I was scared to get hurt, to be disappointed, I was scared to hope, but I was scared not to hope, I kept repeating what Our Lord said in the garden 'Not My will, but Your will be done'. I kept saying 'Lord, let Your will be my will'
I still remember as if it was yesterday, the baby boy was born. The birth mother had a very hard time letting him go for her love for this sweet child is huge. We prayed and waited and prayed and waited. We were in limbo, Our world was turning upside down.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, the excitement to receive a phone call telling me that the birth mother will sign the surrender paper, only to find out on the day when she was supposed to sign and we picked our baby boy, that it was not going to happen. She still couldn't let go.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, the tears as I put back the crib back in the garage. I put back the baby clothes that I washed and folded back in storage, I gave away the diapers, binkies, and lotion to my dear friend who was expecting a baby girl. I fell down on my knees, with tears, crying uncontrollably, I opened my heart to let Our Lord see the pain I have. I didn't blame Him, I understood, but still the pain was there. This happened for 1 long month. The pain, the suffering, was so intense. Sorrowful Mystery from The Rosary was the only Mystery that I could pray with tears. Amazingly, I prayed it well, as I could relate my pain (although my pain was nothing compare to His) to Our Lord's pain during His suffering. I placed everything, nothing to hide at the foot of His Cross. I was searching for Blessed Mother hands to hold when I prayed, I was burying my face on her lap as I wept.
I still remember as if it was yesterday, It was Thursday, Sept 10, 2009, we just came back from our monthly homeschooling meeting. I had a headache, so as soon as we got home, I was getting ready for bed. DH was preparing Miss. A to bed. It was 9pm when our cell phone rang. It was our social worker..the conversation was like:
SC: Hi Amelia, how are you?
Me: good, how are you?
SC: Good, do you have any plans tonight?
Me: (well, it's 9 pm, and I'm in PJ my plan is to sleep) No, not really
SC: Do yo think you can go out again and pick up your son?
Me: speechless....you're joking right?
I still remember as if it was yesterday, at 9pm, DH heard me screaming of joy, ran to the kitchen, and I told him we had to get going and pick up our son. We loaded the car seat, we didn't have any diapers, and we drove 1 1/2 hours in the middle of the night to pick up our son.
God is faithful. He held our hands in those trials, He understood our pain, He wept with us. At the end, He turned our tears into joy.
"More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones." -St. Therese of The Child Jesus-
 |
| When we picked him up at the agency office |
 |
| New family of four |
 |
| A day at home |
 |
| Mr.C right now |
Thursday, March 3, 2011
My New Routine....
Finding a new routine is not easy, well, at least for me. When Miss. A came to our lives, it took me forever to get into the routine on top of being first time mommy, no friends, no driving license. Staying inside the house day in and out surely made me a little bit insane.
After 4 years of longing for another child, Mr. C came into our lives. Well, this time it took me about 3 months to adjust with 2 kids. Just when we were enjoying our new routine with 2 children, The Lord gave us another miracle...Miss.AM born 18 months apart from Mr. C....
Now, I'm finding my new routine with 3 wonderful children. Not easy, but we'll get there, with lots of graces and guidance from The Lord, like He always provides.
I guess I can say that my one of my new routines is enjoying the fact that my two older ones enjoy being with each other, they play nicely, and they fight nicely too.
Sitting in the recliner while nursing my sweet Miss. AM while yelling 'get off from your brother, don't sit on him!' or observing how gentle and caring Miss.A when she is teaching Mr. C about shapes and colors. Listening them laughing and chasing one another....ahhh..nice new routines.
After 4 years of longing for another child, Mr. C came into our lives. Well, this time it took me about 3 months to adjust with 2 kids. Just when we were enjoying our new routine with 2 children, The Lord gave us another miracle...Miss.AM born 18 months apart from Mr. C....
Now, I'm finding my new routine with 3 wonderful children. Not easy, but we'll get there, with lots of graces and guidance from The Lord, like He always provides.
I guess I can say that my one of my new routines is enjoying the fact that my two older ones enjoy being with each other, they play nicely, and they fight nicely too.
Sitting in the recliner while nursing my sweet Miss. AM while yelling 'get off from your brother, don't sit on him!' or observing how gentle and caring Miss.A when she is teaching Mr. C about shapes and colors. Listening them laughing and chasing one another....ahhh..nice new routines.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
In the beginning....
Well, my first time blogging so I'm still learning about all this blogging world and the gadgets. I'll try to fit this blogging world in between hanging out with DH, nursing, chasing 18 month old toddler, and doing school with my oldest.
Our oldest girl is 5 years old. She'll be in 1st grade this year, and has a wiggling tooth. One of my babies is growing up. Time flies....
Our biggy boy is just a curious one. We might just put everything in a locked safety box. Poor Miss. A, she said she's getting tired of picking up after her brother. Well, when this biggy boy old enough, he too will have to pick up the mess that his baby sister will make. Mr. C came to us through the miracle of domestic adoption. I still remember as if it was yesterday...his homecoming will be in another post, since it is a dear story to my heart.
Our youngest one, well, she's another miracle, Miss AM who is 1 month old. I can't wait to see her blossoming just like her siblings.
Last but not least, the love of my life...the husband that Our Lord has chose for me to accompany me in this journey. A husband who loves me unconditionally. He puts up with all my weaknesses. A great daddy to his children. He is willing to protect his family and do whatever it takes to make us happy. I'm striving to be the wife he deserves.
Well, that's a little bit introduction of our family. It's time to prepare supper now, although take out looks more tempting
Our oldest girl is 5 years old. She'll be in 1st grade this year, and has a wiggling tooth. One of my babies is growing up. Time flies....
Our biggy boy is just a curious one. We might just put everything in a locked safety box. Poor Miss. A, she said she's getting tired of picking up after her brother. Well, when this biggy boy old enough, he too will have to pick up the mess that his baby sister will make. Mr. C came to us through the miracle of domestic adoption. I still remember as if it was yesterday...his homecoming will be in another post, since it is a dear story to my heart.
Our youngest one, well, she's another miracle, Miss AM who is 1 month old. I can't wait to see her blossoming just like her siblings.
Last but not least, the love of my life...the husband that Our Lord has chose for me to accompany me in this journey. A husband who loves me unconditionally. He puts up with all my weaknesses. A great daddy to his children. He is willing to protect his family and do whatever it takes to make us happy. I'm striving to be the wife he deserves.
Well, that's a little bit introduction of our family. It's time to prepare supper now, although take out looks more tempting
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