Remember when I wrote about a monster that has been living inside me for almost 8 years? its name is anger. Well, he came out.
My past has shaped me into a private person for certain people. I now have a sense of belonging, very sensitive about anything done by certain people. All this while, for years, I have never set this thing called boundary. When I went to home-schooling conference this past summer, a priest talked about how important for us to set boundaries in order to be able to interact more freely and lovingly with other people.
Being hurt multiple times made me think to set this boundaries in order to give me time to heal since trust has been broken. I weighed this thought back and forward, and talked about this with DH since I don't want to do this out of anger and to do revenge, if I do that, then I'll have to include these in my confession.
The thought evaporated until last week, again, I felt the pain when some people took something that belongs to me.Some people might think it's nothing, and I admit it that it is nothing, but the value and story behind my feeling made this thing something very very important.
I decided to deliver the news, as polite as possible without bringing up the past, that we're setting boundaries to preserve my privacy. It didn't end up well. I was accused of so many things. I had to struggle to not reply anything because I know if I do reply, I'd reply it in anger and pain, but then I lost it. I let the monster out right in front of my Beloved, Our Lord. I told Him:
"I don't wanna be a Saint, I don't wanna be Holy, but just so you know, I'm scared of hell too"
Then all of a sudden, His image hanging on the cross appeared in my mind, still I wasn't satisfied, my thought was who did He think He is just showed up like that, then I continue:
"Do you know how hard it is not to reply?"
"Why is it so hard? why me? screw charity, never mind about love and forgiveness!!, you're such a demanding person, it's all too hard!!"
"If this is so hard, then I don't wanna be a Saint, but I'm scared of hell too!!"
In my mind I was yelling at Him, threw my fists at Him, walking around circling the crucifix, and still yelling and angry while His head just hanging down, the crown of thorns on Him, and His head was bleeding. Then I heard my inner heart saying "I know you don't want it, but you must"
Then my mind was brought to so many events when Theresa refused to do something that I told her.
Me: "do the laundry, please"
T: " I don't want to"
Me: "I know, but you must, sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to"
T: dragged her feet to do laundry out of obedience to me.
Sounds familiar. It's funny how Holy Spirit can just throw back everything at you. If being a Saint is so hard, I admit that I don't want to be one, it's just too much work. At the same time, I don't have any choice either. First of all, I'm scared of hell, and second of all I'm not made for this world OR hell. I was made for Heaven...oh well!!
1 comment:
Wow, I think you are definitely on the road to sanctity and you have a very close relationship to our Saviour. There is justifiable anger. Perhaps your feeling to those who have hurt you are feelings of just anger and shouldn't be with held. Our Lord expelled the money lenders in His temple and he wasn't very nice about it. I guess if you want to be a saint, you could take accusations silently like a lamb, like our Lord did on the cross. But there are times when you can be angry and still be imitating our Lord. You are in my prayers. Sorry if this sounds preachy. I know nothing of your situation but you seem to be suffering so much...
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