Saturday, July 28, 2012

Random Thoughts

First of all, for some reasons, I'm not able to post comments on the blogs that I'm following. My brain and state of life right now unable me to seat too long to figuring out how to do it or what the problem is. So, please know that I'm thinking of you and keep your intentions in my prayers.

Second of all, We've been having a long drought, we're looking forward for a really good down pouring rain.

Third of all, DH is looking for another job..again. Hopefully he can find a job that will challenge him enough. Of course a little bit more extra income will be nice to help us be out of debts. From my part, I'm hoping to move anyway, my whining is still the same, I need Catholic support from active Catholic homeschooling group nearby. I can't drive one hour each way to activities. Seems like our homeschooling group doesn't do much activities together as a group anyway, except First Friday Mass.

Fourth of all, one of the moms from our homeschooling group was a patient of Dr. H in Omaha. He cared for her high risk pregnancy. She did have multiple c-sections too. He recommended a certain way of closing that will make the wound heal better and to reduce to risk of scar tissue or something like that, so it will give more chances for more pregnancies. She asked her regular OB/GYN if he's able to close as Dr. H recommended, and her OB/GYN did.

That's what I'm going to do. At the beginning of my trimester I'll meet with the surgeon (my OB doesn't perform c-section). I'll ask him to close and care as Dr. H recommended to my friend. If he's not able, I'll switch and use the OB/GYN that my friend used. I'm hoping and praying that this surgeon will be able to do what I'm hoping him to do. I'm dragging my husband to this appointment so he can back me up. We need to do some research too about this so we'll look like we know what we're talking about when we meet the you pray for my intention?

Next, Tuesday will be our ultrasound. We'll find out whether it's pink or blue. We're so excited, especially Theresa. She's been praying begging for a baby boy, she thought that two boys and two girls will be neat. We keep telling her that she can ask whatever she wants, but The Good Lord will make the last decision anyway :))

Couple of weeks ago, I went to confession. I brought my internal battle to the Light. The priest told me that often times when we pray a lot over something, our attitude towards something that we don't like will chance. I know he is right. I wrote how much I'm scared about the c-section. Scared and worried about how this will be my last. Since the beginning of this pregnancy I've been praying about it.

With prayers come graces. I'm still praying about it, but I can feel that my attitude has changed. I'm slowly learning to let go. I'm still scared, but more to surrender scared. The Holy Spirit gives me consolation that The Good Lord Himself handpicks each child that will join our family. Nothing will ever happen unless He wills it. He will allow me to bear more children if He wants me to. If this will be my last pregnancy (I'm typing this with fear), then it is right to say that will be His will too.

 Just like I told Theresa, that we can ask Him for whatever we want, He'll surely 100 % give it to us if it's good for our souls. Now, the problem is I don't always think like this, there are times that I allow myself to be dragged by Satan to despair and worried. I guess it requires conscience efforts to keep myself in the right perspective.  

My heart is still aching for another adoption. I'm grateful and excited for this pregnancy, but somehow I feel that The Lord keeps bugging and putting this desire in my heart but He hasn't opened the door yet. I'm asking Him to take this desire if it's not His will, but so far, He is nourishing this desire more and more. Oh well, He'll reveal His plan in His own time.

We'll start school very early this year. July 30th will be our first school day. Hopefully we'll be able to finish what we need to finish before our long Christmas/baby break.

Well, hope all of you will have a blessed Sunday!!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Faith again?

This post will be all over, because my mind is all over. Let me start with...this pregnancy comes with a price. The pregnancy is going well, the baby is doing well (St Gerard, will you keep it that way, please?). Anyway, the price is, it requires my total surrender to my Beloved.

You see, this will be my 4th c-section. With my medical history, I've 'lost' my chance to give birth naturally. With multiple c-sections, there will be a point that I have to stop getting pregnant, because it will be the matter life or death for me and the baby.

The max c-section that I've heard so far for someone to have is 6. Some people 4, some people 5, some people 3. It all depends on the healing process of the mother. I'm blessed with this one. When I had my c-section with Maria, we asked the doctor to check everything in me, to make sure that everything is okay. He gave us a green light to have another baby, so came this current pregnancy. He was actually a little bit surprised when he found out that my scar tissues looked like normal even with the 3rd c-section.

When we found out that we  are pregnant, my heart becomes heavy, what if this is it? what if in December, the doctor will give us the news that we don't want to hear?

I've been on my knees praying for a healthy baby and begging God's mercy to not let this be it. I'm also in battle though. I feel that I'm not grateful for 3 blessings and another one coming. There are many women out there who just love to have at least 1. I feel that telling myself that I'm crazy to even think about having more. I feel that I'm greedy..more..more..more...I feel like I'm wearing a mask when I pray, trying to be strong. Then I realized, that there's nothing wrong to wanting for more children. It's my vocation. Whether or not He gives me, well..that's another story.

This week Gospel hit me. It's the story when Our Lord was in His hometown. The people were lacking of faith, and because of that, Our Lord couldn't perform great miracles.

I am one of those people. The Lord has proven His faithfulness over and over and over again, and I still have no faith that The Lord will give what is best and only the best for me, no matter what the outcome will be.

There's nothing wrong to ask and to let The Lord know what I want, how scared I am (I'm more scared to hear what the doctor has to say in December than the surgery itself). At the same time, asking for grace to let His will be my will. I just wish it will be that easy. It's a daily surrender til December.