Thursday, January 26, 2012

Thing one and thing two...oh well...couple of things actually

First of all, thank you so much for kind words and prayers. I really appreciate all of them.

Here are few things:

1. We might have a prospective renter who is thinking to sign the contract for two years. We still hope to sell our house down in the south, but since the market is still really bad, well, we'll just have to be grateful whatever The Lord gave us. Beggars can't be choosers.

2. Our school is doing fine, we're busy building miniature Stations of The Cross grotto for our Lent activities on Fridays. I hope it will be done by Lent. We still need to make some ornaments for our Jesus' Tree as our Easter count down. I found this idea  here. I also need to make Lent Calendar, check out here or here.

I really hope we can finish school on time, if not...oh well...the joy of homeschooling is that we have to be flexible, just because life happens.

3. After 2 years, I finally back to charting again. It's kind of weird, but I guess it's like learning how to ride on a bicycle again.

4. DH and I..well...actually more to DH, decided that he will reevaluate our plan to adopt at the end of summer. Hopefully with this renter, it will help our finance so that we can pursue adoption...why can't money grow in a tree? We talked a lot about our next adoption. We both feel that we need to widen our age preference a little wider, 0-12 months. We both feel that it's time to pray about minor special need infants, preemie, and see where The Lord will lead us.

5. I'm having a hard time in my healing process, but I think that deserve another post.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Knowing when to let go....

This past few weeks, after I wrote my confession, looks like the Holy Spirit presented me with readings and led my meditation to this issue. I saw thise meditation guide a point where it said "Knowing when to let go..." within seconds, as soon as I laid my eyes on this point, My thought was brought to my pain. At first, I thought it was just a one time thingy, but over and over, different readings, but still relevant, and my mind was always brought to this "Let Go!".

Now, for the past eight years, I've been clinging to my anger, unforgiveness, pain,regrets, etc. I've been clinging to my first born, my birth child. I'm scared to let go, because if I let go, I feel that I don't love this child.

The very first reading was about John the Baptist. In this story, when he was baptizing, he spotted Our Lord, then he made this proclamation "Behold the Lamb of God", and immediately, the two of John the Baptist's disciples, John and Andrew left John the Baptist, and followed Our Lord.

John the Baptist was LETTING GO these two disciples of his, whom he loved so dearly I'm sure. Why? because John the Baptist knew and trusted Our Lord that these two disciples will have better use when his disciples followed Him, instead of staying back with John the Baptist. John the Baptist didn't hold back. John, Our Lord's dearest disciple, wouldn't write the Gospel and book of Revelation if he didn't follow Christ. Andrew wouldn't introduce his brother, Simon Peter, if he stayed back. I'm sure that John the Baptist was sad and heartbroken, but he trusted Our Lord.

The Holy Spirit also guided me in my meditation on the reading when Our Lord was explaining about having a new wineskin if you want to pour a new wine. You don't pour a new wine to and old wineskin. A new wine must be poured into a new wineskin.

Then I read about how a leper approach Our Lord and ask Him that if He choose, He can make this leper clean, free from leper. Our Lord, of course, being pushed on His weakest point, which is the faith of this leper, immediately cured him.

The Holy Spirit hasn't finished with me yet. I watched a clip of Mother Angelica, on how she's explaining about living in the present moment. Mother explain that most people keep reliving the past. She said that the past is dead, the future is not yet born.

So, as afraid as I am to say it out loud...I'm so scared to even think about it, but the Holy Spirit keeps bugging me to admit that it's time to let go. I need to let go, everything, my past, because it's already dead. It will stink me up if I keep holding on to it. I did what I could do to be able to see my first born, to have an open adoption relationship. I don't think I want to jeopardize the  very few photos and letter that I receive once a year. Not because I don't love this dear child, but because I have to trust Our Lord that He Himself has a plan for this child.

He Himself, through the sin I chose to commit, chose a family for this child, and He will use this dear child of His for His own plan. Nothing I can do now accept to let go. I'm still the birth mother of this dearest, nothing can change that. The Lord knows the fear I'm feeling, the longing, the pain, everything, He knows. I know that He would ease everything if He wants to, but it is not His plan.

Through the pain I feel caused by my sins, like Mother Angelica said, my Father carefully thought about me, and stamped this cross lovingly with my name on it. He trusts me to bear this cross like the daughter of a King. So bearing this cross I will. John the Baptist let go, I must do the same.

I consecrated my first born to Our Blessed Mother, since I won't be there to watch my birth child growing up, at least she will. I figured that Our Blessed Mother will be the perfect person to watch over this child.

By letting go, I'm able to have a 'new wineskin' where Our Lord will be able to pour 'new wine' in me. By letting go, I'm able to live in a present moment.

I'm a leper now. the leper in Our Lord's time was a 'prisoner' of this disease, I'm  a prisoner in my longing, pain, anger, etc. I need to be freed from this anger, so that I can love freely. I need to keep approaching Our Lord and say the exact word "Lord, if You choose, You can cure me", and bearing my cross as He carried His once. I don't need to worry about the direction, all I need to do is to follow.

I need to be whole again. I need to let go. The question is...How? I HAVE NO IDEA!! but I'm sure Our Lord knows. Well, at least I've admitted the need to let go, that's the big step...haha..

Sunday, January 8, 2012

My kind of confession...part 3

This post is harder than I thought. I couldn't find the right words without being so angry. So, I figured that I'll just start typing whatever comes to my mind.

My relationship with my parents at this point was still good. I considered any advices from my parents carefully and I respected them. We were close.

Before I got my bachelor degree, I applied for a training program, and I got accepted. I was very excited, nervous and scared at the same time. My parents were happy for me. The time came for me to travel to a distant land, and start my training program.

Little did I know, that this part of my journey was when everything would change. This was the part of my life that I feel the Lord broke me into pieces. My complicated love relationship with our Good Lord started with my biggest mistake.

I started my training program excited, homesick, and with the same old me attitude looking for fun. It was December 2002, and I chose the wrong choice. In January 2003, I found out I was pregnant...out of wedlock. The baby's father denied himself. I wasn't  scared of being pregnant, I was scared that my parents would go banana at me, and remember that 'family honor' is everything? It wasn't supposed to go this way, I had plans.

I couldn't think clearly, to say I was confused is an understatement. I couldn't even find the right word. I feel that at the stage of mind that I was in, I could easily be influenced by people. It was such an overwhelming feeling that I couldn't find the right words to describe as no words will suffice. Finally, I gather all my courage, and I called home. My mom, she cried. My dad, amazingly, didn't scold me ( I was so ready to receive every piece of his mind) I was more scared of him being angry than being pregnant.

Then he told me calmly to get rid of 'it'. At that point, on my shoulders, I was given a very heavy burden...'family honor'. I was told that it is better to sacrifice one life than five lives. In my mental situation at that time, I felt that my out of wedlock pregnancy has put ashame to the family honor, and I'm responsible to fix it.

I had to make decision quick. I wasn't asked what I thought, I wasn't asked what I wanted to do with the pregnancy, I wasn't given the time to digest, step back and make MY own decision. I wasn't given the time or asked if I wanted to keep the baby, I wasn't asked "what do YOU think YOU should do?", I wasn't even offered help from my own family that they will help me to raise the baby, if I choose to keep the baby. I was left alone, at least that's how I feel right now.

Right now I feel that at that time, I was treated like someone who just screwed up big time with the family honor. I feel like I wasn't treated as a daughter. I feel like at that time, family honor was more important than me, a member of the family. I feel like there was no mercy embracing me when I was at my lowest point. The only way to 'fix' the problem is to get rid of 'it' so nobody will know.

Right now I feel that something important, part of me, what belong to ME, got ripped of and taken away without even asking MY permission. Right now, I feel stupid.

Right now I feel angry, especially to myself. If only I could stand up for myself and for my baby, things would be different. If only I didn't listen to anybody else except me, if only I made MY own decision based on what I think is right, I would still have my baby.

Right now, as I'm learning to know about Our Lord, when the anger comes, I still couldn't believe He let me loose my baby. I couldn't believe that He didn't prevent me from making decisions that cause me losing my baby. I mean if He knows and permits everything to happen, well...see...I told you I have a complicated love relationship with the Lord, or I should say, I'm the one who make things complicated.

Anyway, back to the baby....I started to look for an abortion clinic. I know very well the stage of mind of a girl looking for an abortion. My parents told me something, I had to obey, or at least that;s what I thought I should do at that time.

By the grace of God, and with the help of my sweet Guardian Angel, no, I didn't kill my baby. Still, I had to get rid of 'it'. A friend of mine had distance cousins who were hoping to adopt. I jumped to it without any given thought. Again, I feel stupid, I should have searched more about adoption, I should have known what I want, but I didn't. If only I searched more about adoption, I would have done the adoption a different way so that I could still see my flesh and blood.

Long story short, I gave birth, and put my baby for adoption. Right now, I regretted my decision. After 8 long years with so much anger, I admit: I REGRET MY DECISION.

Don't get me wrong, I think that adoption is a wonderful thing, I'm an adoptive mother myself, I'm longing to adopt again, but in my circumstances, in my story, I think even if I did make the adoption decision, it should have been based on MY OWN decision, not because of the influence from other people. I should have taken the time to think it through about all other things related to adoption.

When the pain comes, and anger flooded my heart, I wonder why at that time, the Lord didn't reveal  to me that I would have a stable family on my own, why He didn't let me learn more about adoption, and let me choose another family for my first born, a family that has flexibility so I'm allowed to see my first born, why He didn't change my first born's adoptive parents' hearts so that I'm able to see the child that I gave birth to, even though only for a short time. I asked to be sent photos couple of times a year instead of once a year, I got rejected. I asked for visits, I got rejected. I asked if I could send small gifts, I got rejected. Why wasn't I thinking about these things before? because I didn't do my homework and learn more about adoption, it was too late.

When the pain comes, ripping my chest, I ask these questions: Why the Lord didn't let me see my first born? what kind of healing He has in mind? Why I was so stupid at that time? I'm struggling to forgive myself for being so stupid, and now, the more I know the Lord, the more I will blame Him for not revealing those things to me. If He loves me even though I sinned, He should have revealed those things to me.

Well, Theresa and I are learning, in religion class, that only bad things come from sins. Sins bring troubles and pain here and there. God didn't and doesn't cause my anger and my pain. The anger and pain I'm feeling right now are caused by sins that I choose to commit. My situation of not being able to see my first born doesn't cause by God, it was caused by the sins I committed. Surely God will be able to make things better in an instant, He could have allowed me to see my birth child right at this minute if He wants me too, but I guess that is not His plan for me. I have to learn to accept His plan, I'm dragging to accept and say 'Yes'. I'm struggling to say the fiat with a smile.

Now, I can't change things that has happened. If only... could have...should have...would have....will not change a thing. I know this in my mind, but in my heart...that's a different story.

I have been living in anger for 8 years, but I think that the Lord, slowly and surely, is showing me what my problem is...I haven't got a time to grieve. I was too proud to admit that I'm broken. I was too proud to admit that things are not okay. I've been pretending that everything is okay.

Very slowly and surely, I'm learning to admit that I'm angry, that things are not okay, that I'm broken, that I'm struggling to accept that God allowed things happened to me for His own plans, that He still loves me no matter what, He still loves me even though He didn't reveal everything to me at that time, and He still loves me even though He doesn't allow me to see my birth child (a very strange way to show love, I must say).

Right now, I have to live with whatever consequences, because of the decisions I made regardless.

I have to start to forgive MYSELF. I need to heal my own wound in order to forgive other people and to accept all the consequences, such as being separated from my own flesh and blood.

The Lord gave me a wonderful companion, though, my DH. The first time we started dating, he knew about my situation. He has been my rock and shoulders to cry on when the pain is too much.

Often time, when the pain comes, I tell him that I choose the wrong family for my first born...and he shut my mouth with his words "for might be a mistake, but for is the right family, are you saying that God made mistakes?" Although I would love to argue this, I know in my mind that he is right, my heart, that's a different story, I need a lot more graces.

The Lord also allowed me to be an adoptive mother for our son and plant desires for us to adopt again, maybe, through my own painful experiences, I am asked to show more compassion to other birth mothers as I am one myself too. I'm asked to treat our son's birth mother with love, the same way I wished to be treated as a birth mother. Through my experience, I'm learning the importance for being flexible in the adoption world, because flexibility will help to heal the wound.

I'm allowed to see things from an adoptive mother's point of view as I am one too, so when I start blaming my birth child's adoptive parents, I'm reminded as an adoptive parent myself, and try very very hard to be compassionate to them...*SIGH*

My root sin is pride, and I have a long way to go, to learn to accept this life I live. I have a long way to learn about forgiveness and humility. Right now, I'm just an unforgiving, angry, and broken soul..with other ugly things in between.

Sometimes I'm wondering if the Lord will ever take this pain away. Maybe He enjoys me being crippled as it is His own delight to carry me all over on His own shoulders.

I'm praying as I'm pushing the publish button, His name will be glorified.