I'm learning how to be angry with trust

I never know that I should learn how to be angry, but angry with trust. Growing up, I was taught that I have to do good, so other people will do good to me. If other people do something good for me, I have to repay them by doing something good for them. This teaching has caused me to feel bad for being angry at my parents. They are my parents after all, who raised me, paid for everything I need growing up, it would be so ungrateful if I'm angry at them. I owe them my life. They are great parents.

This perception has effected my relationship with God, my creator. I have learn and I'm still learning, that He loves me, no matter what. I don't have to do good things just to make Him loves me, even if I make mistakes, He will still love me just the same. I don't have to prove myself just to make Him give what I want. That's what I did, sometimes I still do, trying to manipulate my God. I have to keep reminding my self about this fact, that God loves me, and I don't have to prove myself, He loves me just the way I am.

Thanks to my Spiritual Director, she told me that it's okay to be angry at God, and I don't have to worry that He will get upset or stop providing me with what I need. He is the God of love. I have to learn to trust Him, and trusting His love for me, His love will never change. It does make sense though, He loves me to approach Him just the way I am even with my anger. If there's someone who can take my anger, that will be Him. After all, He created me with all my emotions. How can He heal me, heal my anger if I don't let Him, if I keep clinging to it?

I have this ugly monster in me called anger. Anger has been sleeping nice and quite (most of the time) for almost 8 years. Once in a while the Good Lord let or allow for the wound to open and  I can feel the pain ripping my chest, fresh and new as if it was like yesterday. The wound is so deep that when it hurts, I will start feeling this anger toward God, my parents, and myself, then it will be a great struggle for me to throw myself at His mercy, because I can feel Satan is trying to keep me from going to my God in my anger. I'm learning that every time the anger arises, I have to bring my anger to the light, I have to admit that I'm angry toward God, so Satan can't use it any more. Is this how He heals me? I don't know...How long will it take for me to heal? soon..I hope (it's been almost 8 years) or maybe He won't allow it to heal so He can use it to draw me closer to Him, I don't know.... but I know He is a great physician, I just need to trust Him, although often I have to repeat this "Lord, I do believe, help my unbelieve"