Monday, September 30, 2013

A Loving Punishment

After ten years, I finally convinced that the Good Lord is giving me a yearly loving punishment. You see, my punishment comes every year in September and October. September is the month when my oldest, who was adopted, celebrated her birthday. September is a month of grieve for me. The pain comes back, as sharp as a knife slashing through me. The wound is still raw. The pain of separation, of longing, the pain of betrayal, of anger. September is the month when I got separated from my baby. October is the month that I receive my yearly update (photos and a letter) about my daughter. A yearly update that is not enough to satisfy to momma.

Punishments. Yes, the Good Lord does punish sins. Theresa and I are learning about Adam and Eve, and how God punished them. He Himself said that Adam and Eve would die if they disobeyed God. They did indeed. They suffered. I made mistakes in the past, and I'm receiving my punishments. However, His punishments are just, although often when the pain struck, I get angry at Him. His punishments are full of love, although often I forget.

His punishments come with graces, with a tender companion of the Blessed Mother. His punishments come with a reminder that He too is carrying my debts, that He is with me. His punishments come with promises that these too shall pass. These punishments that I'm receiving are intended to purify my soul. I'm also reminded that I can offer these pains for so so many souls, especially for my oldest's soul who is not baptized.  These punishments draw me closer to Him.

If the punishments, as painful as they are to the point that I don't think I can bear it, come with so many sweet attributes, should I even name the pain as punishments..or rather...a sweet kiss from Heaven?

Friday, September 20, 2013

He magnifies me...

After all these years eight years to be exact, the Good Lord enlightened my mind that being a wife and mother is not something that I do. It is who I am. The idea has been there for a long time, but only recently it just happened to click (Another prove on how patience the Lord is with me for I am a slow learner).

This vocation has been magnifying all my weaknesses. It seems that I've been making the same mistakes over and over again and I'm struggling with the same vices. It's terrible!! The Holy Spirit seems to notice my inner struggle about confessing the same sins over and over again. Through our priest, He sent me a a confession room, this dear priest told me that sometimes when we wash a very dirty pot, it takes a while to scrub the pot in order to make it clean again. It takes a couple of washes to get rid of the odor from the pot. What a consolation and encouragement! and I'm grateful for the gift of Sacrament of Reconciliation. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The story of Rose

It was November 28th. Late in the afternoon I went to my dr. appointment. She said that my body is showing an early sign of labor. She wouldn't be surprised if the baby decided to come earlier than scheduled which was Dec 6th.

At 3PM that day, I started to feel regular contractions. I timed it and it was 5 to 7 minutes apart. The contractions were getting stronger. So I called the hospital, and they asked me to come just to make sure.

I started to make some calls to find people who would be willing to take care of the other older kids. By 6.30PM, we dropped the kids off at our friends' house and headed to the hospital. I was indeed in labor. The dr. decided that she wouldn't stop the labor. So they prep me for the c-section. By 8.35PM our little Rose was born. She was tiny though, only 6 lbs 7.6 oz. My tiniest baby. She is healthy and perfect .

Another good news is that doctors gave me their okay to be open to life still. Everything looks good. Thanks to the intercession of so many Saints and Angels, especially my companion, Saint Gerard.

We're home already.  The adjustment has been chaotic, hard, trying, and draining. A week before the birth, each member of our family got sick by cold and stomach flu. When I was in the hospital, DH had to deal with couple of sick. Poor hubby, he was so overwhelmed taking care all of us. The sickness has passed, and now we're enjoying our Rose and looking forward to celebrate Christmas with our early Christmas present :) Rose will be baptized on Dec 22.

Thursday, August 23, 2012


That's me. With everything.

I'm getting tired easily. School is in full swing, and soon we have to add dance class once a week plus Theresa is going to public school for taking art class and PE to our schedule.

In Iowa, homeschoolers are allowed to join couple of classes with the school district since we're paying taxes. Since we're living in a very small and conservative and Christian and church goers town, DH and I thought we'll give it a try this year and see how we like it. Theresa will have her standardized test sometime in February, so we won't have to come out with extra money to buy the test since she's dual enrolled this year. So..that's school, trying to keep the school going since we're going to take a long break when Rose is born.

Then there are these 2 little ones, Gerard and Maria, my other sweet angels, who have decided that it's fun to be partners in crime. They will last few minutes to activities that I give them when Theresa and I are doing our school, but..they can have fun for hours when I give them more messy stuff to do :))

Then there's this discipline moments when I have to keep sending the mischievous child to time out over and over and over and over again for the same offense. Apparently hearing loss can happen all of a sudden, and I can feel smokes coming out from my ears. Then there's dawdling, taking ages to do the chores I assigned them to do.....*SIGH*

Then there's this feeling of isolation from my part for not having moms who are in the same boat with me. Nobody close enough for me to whine when I feel that why all of a sudden my beautiful angels have turned into.......Nobody can tell me that they have the same problems, the same struggles.  Nobody I can look up to at her struggle to holiness and tell myself "I'm not alone". Nobody that remind me to run to Our Lady.

I complained and broke down to DH, I told him that I've had enough, I'm ready to give up homeschooling. Then I was led to this little sermon, and he said:

"Remember success in homeschooling is not about reaching a certain goal or end, but rather in a doing of it, and that is why it is so difficult, to strive especially when the victory is seem so far away or impossible.."

"Here and now is the task God has given you to do...""Why would you want another reality besides this one?.." "Why would you want another gift than what God has offered you?...""It is not about what I want, but His will..."

 I told DH that I feel lonely in this homeschooling journey. He told me that he is my friend and I can ask him anything about homeschooling. While it is true, he is my bestest friend, and we always discuss everything about school, but he is a man. Men use their logic more. I need moms who use feelings like I do.


Monday, August 13, 2012

Through the pains...

Today, on our son's birthday, I was brought back to a journey that bring us to our son. The journey and story that The Good Lord wrote Himself especially for our family.

Every year leading to his birthday is like a special mini retreat between The Lord and me, just the two of us. My mind flew to this one special lady who because of her ultimate sacrifice I'm able to have a son and celebrate his birthday year after year after year.....

I'm looking forward to the day when I can share his beautiful story. I'm praying that one day soon he'll be able to get to know this lady who gave him life, who gave birth to him, who loves him more than enough to let him go to my arms. I hope that day will come soon because I long to see them together.

By the grace of God, I was allowed to experienced two kinds of labor pain. A physical labor pain, and a spiritual labor pain. They are both painful in a different way, but both are beautiful pains. When a woman in physical labor pain, she'll know that the pain will stop when she has her baby in her arms, and she is able to love her newborn baby.

Spiritual labor pain is different. A woman won't know when the pain will stop, she won't know whether after all the pain she is able to hold the baby in her arms or not. She won't know whether the pain will give her joy or grieve and more pain...a pain of loss.She loves this baby just the same as the woman who gave birth to him. Two women with mothers' hearts.

July 20th 2009, The Good Lord started my spiritual labor pain when a young mother chose us to parent her baby boy who would be born on August 13th 2009. I prayed for this baby boy whom I never knew yet my heart was full of love for him. I was scared to hope, I was scared not to hope. I threw myself daily at the mercy of the Divine Grace. The Eucharist and Rosary of Sorrowful Mystery were my only companion, were my only consolation, if there was any.

August 13th 2009, we received an e-mail that a healthy baby boy was born. The pain didn't stop. The Divine Physician decided to put us in limbo. He increased my pain. Pride is my root sin. Control is my other name. So being in limbo and not having any control over things will be such an agony for me. That day, I became a wiggly worm, tried to fight all the pains that I experienced. The more I fought, the more painful it became.

He didn't cave in. He tripled the pain to a point where I sobbed and wept We didn't know when the pain would stop. There were days that seemed hopeful only to found out that our hearts would be crushed into even smaller pieces.

The Divine Physician was oh so gentle. He never left me alone. He gave me His bestest nurse, His own mother. This Mother of mine, since she is a mother herself, knows exactly the pain and agony I experienced. I wept on her lap every day, and I knew her gentle hands stroked my hair gently while saying "Do whatever He tells you" Now I'm sure that last time she smiled gently at my foolishness of trying to fight the pain. Through the graces she obtained for me, I learn to surrender, I learn to embrace the pains, to...enjoy the pains.

My personal Divine Physician poured out His graces, not to take away the pain, but to give me strength to keep walking every day in the pain. He gave me beautiful warriors who prayed for our family. He allowed me to wait...and cry, and wait...and cry, and wait....and cry....

Through the pain, He taught me a lot...
He taught me that my pain was nothing compare to this young mother who loves this baby boy and was with him for nine months. My heart broke for her and hurt for her.
He drew me closer to Him
He taught me how to pray
He taught me how to have faith
He drew me to a deep meditation on Sorrowful mystery and really take part in His own suffering.
He taught me that it is okay to be scared, to be angry at Him.
He taught me how to open my heart and let Him see all the emotions I had,
to be as vulnerable as I was supposed to be, that I didn't have to pretend to be strong.

I never thought I would say this, but I'm sure glad for those pains. My children love to sit in front of the computer flipping though our family photos telling story about our family lives.

Once a year, The Good Lord allows me to flip this memory of pains that He gave me. The pains remind me how gentle He was and still is. The pains remind me all the wondrous work He is able to do.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

It's a....

Girl!! we're having another little princess in the family. We are very excited. I'm in love with St. Rose of Lima, so that will be her baptism name, and that's the name I'll use in this blog.

Theresa came with us for the ultrasound. She was a little bit disappointed, I could tell. She's in love with Rose though. Then I encouraged her by telling her that it means God still wants her to pray for a baby boy. Her smile lighted up. 'We'll need two boys now to make it even' she said. That will be my prayer too, Theresa!!

We started our school on Monday, so far so good. I had some homeschooling-is-a-piece-of-cake days, and some this-is-going-to-be-a-long-year-and-I'm-streched-thin-already days.

Hope you all have a great the rest of the weeks. You are in my prayers!!