Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The story of Rose

It was November 28th. Late in the afternoon I went to my dr. appointment. She said that my body is showing an early sign of labor. She wouldn't be surprised if the baby decided to come earlier than scheduled which was Dec 6th.

At 3PM that day, I started to feel regular contractions. I timed it and it was 5 to 7 minutes apart. The contractions were getting stronger. So I called the hospital, and they asked me to come just to make sure.

I started to make some calls to find people who would be willing to take care of the other older kids. By 6.30PM, we dropped the kids off at our friends' house and headed to the hospital. I was indeed in labor. The dr. decided that she wouldn't stop the labor. So they prep me for the c-section. By 8.35PM our little Rose was born. She was tiny though, only 6 lbs 7.6 oz. My tiniest baby. She is healthy and perfect .

Another good news is that doctors gave me their okay to be open to life still. Everything looks good. Thanks to the intercession of so many Saints and Angels, especially my companion, Saint Gerard.

We're home already.  The adjustment has been chaotic, hard, trying, and draining. A week before the birth, each member of our family got sick by cold and stomach flu. When I was in the hospital, DH had to deal with couple of sick. Poor hubby, he was so overwhelmed taking care all of us. The sickness has passed, and now we're enjoying our Rose and looking forward to celebrate Christmas with our early Christmas present :) Rose will be baptized on Dec 22.

Thursday, August 23, 2012


That's me. With everything.

I'm getting tired easily. School is in full swing, and soon we have to add dance class once a week plus Theresa is going to public school for taking art class and PE to our schedule.

In Iowa, homeschoolers are allowed to join couple of classes with the school district since we're paying taxes. Since we're living in a very small and conservative and Christian and church goers town, DH and I thought we'll give it a try this year and see how we like it. Theresa will have her standardized test sometime in February, so we won't have to come out with extra money to buy the test since she's dual enrolled this year. So..that's school, trying to keep the school going since we're going to take a long break when Rose is born.

Then there are these 2 little ones, Gerard and Maria, my other sweet angels, who have decided that it's fun to be partners in crime. They will last few minutes to activities that I give them when Theresa and I are doing our school, but..they can have fun for hours when I give them more messy stuff to do :))

Then there's this discipline moments when I have to keep sending the mischievous child to time out over and over and over and over again for the same offense. Apparently hearing loss can happen all of a sudden, and I can feel smokes coming out from my ears. Then there's dawdling, taking ages to do the chores I assigned them to do.....*SIGH*

Then there's this feeling of isolation from my part for not having moms who are in the same boat with me. Nobody close enough for me to whine when I feel that why all of a sudden my beautiful angels have turned into.......Nobody can tell me that they have the same problems, the same struggles.  Nobody I can look up to at her struggle to holiness and tell myself "I'm not alone". Nobody that remind me to run to Our Lady.

I complained and broke down to DH, I told him that I've had enough, I'm ready to give up homeschooling. Then I was led to this little sermon, and he said:

"Remember success in homeschooling is not about reaching a certain goal or end, but rather in a doing of it, and that is why it is so difficult, to strive especially when the victory is seem so far away or impossible.."

"Here and now is the task God has given you to do...""Why would you want another reality besides this one?.." "Why would you want another gift than what God has offered you?...""It is not about what I want, but His will..."

 I told DH that I feel lonely in this homeschooling journey. He told me that he is my friend and I can ask him anything about homeschooling. While it is true, he is my bestest friend, and we always discuss everything about school, but he is a man. Men use their logic more. I need moms who use feelings like I do.


Monday, August 13, 2012

Through the pains...

Today, on our son's birthday, I was brought back to a journey that bring us to our son. The journey and story that The Good Lord wrote Himself especially for our family.

Every year leading to his birthday is like a special mini retreat between The Lord and me, just the two of us. My mind flew to this one special lady who because of her ultimate sacrifice I'm able to have a son and celebrate his birthday year after year after year.....

I'm looking forward to the day when I can share his beautiful story. I'm praying that one day soon he'll be able to get to know this lady who gave him life, who gave birth to him, who loves him more than enough to let him go to my arms. I hope that day will come soon because I long to see them together.

By the grace of God, I was allowed to experienced two kinds of labor pain. A physical labor pain, and a spiritual labor pain. They are both painful in a different way, but both are beautiful pains. When a woman in physical labor pain, she'll know that the pain will stop when she has her baby in her arms, and she is able to love her newborn baby.

Spiritual labor pain is different. A woman won't know when the pain will stop, she won't know whether after all the pain she is able to hold the baby in her arms or not. She won't know whether the pain will give her joy or grieve and more pain...a pain of loss.She loves this baby just the same as the woman who gave birth to him. Two women with mothers' hearts.

July 20th 2009, The Good Lord started my spiritual labor pain when a young mother chose us to parent her baby boy who would be born on August 13th 2009. I prayed for this baby boy whom I never knew yet my heart was full of love for him. I was scared to hope, I was scared not to hope. I threw myself daily at the mercy of the Divine Grace. The Eucharist and Rosary of Sorrowful Mystery were my only companion, were my only consolation, if there was any.

August 13th 2009, we received an e-mail that a healthy baby boy was born. The pain didn't stop. The Divine Physician decided to put us in limbo. He increased my pain. Pride is my root sin. Control is my other name. So being in limbo and not having any control over things will be such an agony for me. That day, I became a wiggly worm, tried to fight all the pains that I experienced. The more I fought, the more painful it became.

He didn't cave in. He tripled the pain to a point where I sobbed and wept every.single.day. We didn't know when the pain would stop. There were days that seemed hopeful only to found out that our hearts would be crushed into even smaller pieces.

The Divine Physician was oh so gentle. He never left me alone. He gave me His bestest nurse, His own mother. This Mother of mine, since she is a mother herself, knows exactly the pain and agony I experienced. I wept on her lap every day, and I knew her gentle hands stroked my hair gently while saying "Do whatever He tells you" Now I'm sure that last time she smiled gently at my foolishness of trying to fight the pain. Through the graces she obtained for me, I learn to surrender, I learn to embrace the pains, to...enjoy the pains.

My personal Divine Physician poured out His graces, not to take away the pain, but to give me strength to keep walking every day in the pain. He gave me beautiful warriors who prayed for our family. He allowed me to wait...and cry, and wait...and cry, and wait....and cry....

Through the pain, He taught me a lot...
He taught me that my pain was nothing compare to this young mother who loves this baby boy and was with him for nine months. My heart broke for her and hurt for her.
He drew me closer to Him
He taught me how to pray
He taught me how to have faith
He drew me to a deep meditation on Sorrowful mystery and really take part in His own suffering.
He taught me that it is okay to be scared, to be angry at Him.
He taught me how to open my heart and let Him see all the emotions I had,
to be as vulnerable as I was supposed to be, that I didn't have to pretend to be strong.

I never thought I would say this, but I'm sure glad for those pains. My children love to sit in front of the computer flipping though our family photos telling story about our family lives.

Once a year, The Good Lord allows me to flip this memory of pains that He gave me. The pains remind me how gentle He was and still is. The pains remind me all the wondrous work He is able to do.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

It's a....

Girl!! we're having another little princess in the family. We are very excited. I'm in love with St. Rose of Lima, so that will be her baptism name, and that's the name I'll use in this blog.

Theresa came with us for the ultrasound. She was a little bit disappointed, I could tell. She's in love with Rose though. Then I encouraged her by telling her that it means God still wants her to pray for a baby boy. Her smile lighted up. 'We'll need two boys now to make it even' she said. That will be my prayer too, Theresa!!

We started our school on Monday, so far so good. I had some homeschooling-is-a-piece-of-cake days, and some this-is-going-to-be-a-long-year-and-I'm-streched-thin-already days.

Hope you all have a great the rest of the weeks. You are in my prayers!!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Random Thoughts

First of all, for some reasons, I'm not able to post comments on the blogs that I'm following. My brain and state of life right now unable me to seat too long to figuring out how to do it or what the problem is. So, please know that I'm thinking of you and keep your intentions in my prayers.

Second of all, We've been having a long drought, we're looking forward for a really good down pouring rain.

Third of all, DH is looking for another job..again. Hopefully he can find a job that will challenge him enough. Of course a little bit more extra income will be nice to help us be out of debts. From my part, I'm hoping to move anyway, my whining is still the same, I need Catholic support from active Catholic homeschooling group nearby. I can't drive one hour each way to activities. Seems like our homeschooling group doesn't do much activities together as a group anyway, except First Friday Mass.

Fourth of all, one of the moms from our homeschooling group was a patient of Dr. H in Omaha. He cared for her high risk pregnancy. She did have multiple c-sections too. He recommended a certain way of closing that will make the wound heal better and to reduce to risk of scar tissue or something like that, so it will give more chances for more pregnancies. She asked her regular OB/GYN if he's able to close as Dr. H recommended, and her OB/GYN did.

That's what I'm going to do. At the beginning of my trimester I'll meet with the surgeon (my OB doesn't perform c-section). I'll ask him to close and care as Dr. H recommended to my friend. If he's not able, I'll switch and use the OB/GYN that my friend used. I'm hoping and praying that this surgeon will be able to do what I'm hoping him to do. I'm dragging my husband to this appointment so he can back me up. We need to do some research too about this so we'll look like we know what we're talking about when we meet the surgeon..lol...Will you pray for my intention?

Next, Tuesday will be our ultrasound. We'll find out whether it's pink or blue. We're so excited, especially Theresa. She's been praying begging for a baby boy, she thought that two boys and two girls will be neat. We keep telling her that she can ask whatever she wants, but The Good Lord will make the last decision anyway :))

Couple of weeks ago, I went to confession. I brought my internal battle to the Light. The priest told me that often times when we pray a lot over something, our attitude towards something that we don't like will chance. I know he is right. I wrote how much I'm scared about the c-section. Scared and worried about how this will be my last. Since the beginning of this pregnancy I've been praying about it.

With prayers come graces. I'm still praying about it, but I can feel that my attitude has changed. I'm slowly learning to let go. I'm still scared, but more to surrender scared. The Holy Spirit gives me consolation that The Good Lord Himself handpicks each child that will join our family. Nothing will ever happen unless He wills it. He will allow me to bear more children if He wants me to. If this will be my last pregnancy (I'm typing this with fear), then it is right to say that will be His will too.

 Just like I told Theresa, that we can ask Him for whatever we want, He'll surely 100 % give it to us if it's good for our souls. Now, the problem is I don't always think like this, there are times that I allow myself to be dragged by Satan to despair and worried. I guess it requires conscience efforts to keep myself in the right perspective.  

My heart is still aching for another adoption. I'm grateful and excited for this pregnancy, but somehow I feel that The Lord keeps bugging and putting this desire in my heart but He hasn't opened the door yet. I'm asking Him to take this desire if it's not His will, but so far, He is nourishing this desire more and more. Oh well, He'll reveal His plan in His own time.

We'll start school very early this year. July 30th will be our first school day. Hopefully we'll be able to finish what we need to finish before our long Christmas/baby break.

Well, hope all of you will have a blessed Sunday!!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Faith again?

This post will be all over, because my mind is all over. Let me start with...this pregnancy comes with a price. The pregnancy is going well, the baby is doing well (St Gerard, will you keep it that way, please?). Anyway, the price is, it requires my total surrender to my Beloved.

You see, this will be my 4th c-section. With my medical history, I've 'lost' my chance to give birth naturally. With multiple c-sections, there will be a point that I have to stop getting pregnant, because it will be the matter life or death for me and the baby.

The max c-section that I've heard so far for someone to have is 6. Some people 4, some people 5, some people 3. It all depends on the healing process of the mother. I'm blessed with this one. When I had my c-section with Maria, we asked the doctor to check everything in me, to make sure that everything is okay. He gave us a green light to have another baby, so came this current pregnancy. He was actually a little bit surprised when he found out that my scar tissues looked like normal even with the 3rd c-section.

When we found out that we  are pregnant, my heart becomes heavy, what if this is it? what if in December, the doctor will give us the news that we don't want to hear?

I've been on my knees praying for a healthy baby and begging God's mercy to not let this be it. I'm also in battle though. I feel that I'm not grateful for 3 blessings and another one coming. There are many women out there who just love to have at least 1. I feel that telling myself that I'm crazy to even think about having more. I feel that I'm greedy..more..more..more...I feel like I'm wearing a mask when I pray, trying to be strong. Then I realized, that there's nothing wrong to wanting for more children. It's my vocation. Whether or not He gives me, well..that's another story.

This week Gospel hit me. It's the story when Our Lord was in His hometown. The people were lacking of faith, and because of that, Our Lord couldn't perform great miracles.

I am one of those people. The Lord has proven His faithfulness over and over and over again, and I still have no faith that The Lord will give what is best and only the best for me, no matter what the outcome will be.

There's nothing wrong to ask and to let The Lord know what I want, how scared I am (I'm more scared to hear what the doctor has to say in December than the surgery itself). At the same time, asking for grace to let His will be my will. I just wish it will be that easy. It's a daily surrender til December.

Monday, June 25, 2012


It was Wednesday evening, the day before Holy Thursday, 2012. I gathered all my courage, went to the bathroom and took the test. The result is positive. We're expecting our fourth little miracle in December.

God is so good :)

Friday, March 2, 2012


I'm disconnecting myself from the internet world during Lent in order to be able to really listen what the Lord has to say.

I told myself "yeah..right..the whole Lent?..please...internet is my addiction" That's why I'm doing it baby step. No internet during the week, except weekend. I've been focusing my attention on DH and the kiddos, and striving to fulfill my daily duties as a mom and a wife. After all, Lent is the right time to form a new good habit. I've been feeling that this is the area I need to focus in my life for this Lent, for me to control the use of the internet and not the other way around. A homeschooling momma needs the internet, but I've been letting the internet controls me.

I've been reading this book Abandonment to Divine Providence  as my Lent reading. The writer stated that it's very very very 'easy' to be holy, just fulfill your daily duties according to your state of life, since the duties that presented in my daily life are God's will for me to do at the present moment. Those daily duties are His way to make me holy. In order to be holy, all I need to do is doing God's will, right? there you go..I just found the way how to be a saint.

Have a blessed Lent, I will keep you close in my prayers.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Part 2

I don't even know how to start this part. It's hard to find the right word when it comes to stating the facts  without pointing fingers to others. Maybe I should start with this....

Things were 'good' with my parents. Couple of years ago, my youngest sister came to live with us with the hope to be able to finish her high school and to experience what it is like living abroad. Let's just say that she and our family (DH and I) have different values, and things didn't work out for us to have my youngest sister living with us. She was having a hard time adjusting with our rules and values, which is understandable, since for 15 years she had been living with my parents and their values. She took out her frustration in not-very-nice ways. After she went back to my country, unfortunately, my dear sister is holding a grudge and bitterness against our family, especially me (how I can relate :) ).

There were some occasions that my sister lashed out her bitterness and anger towards DH and I in a very hurtful way for our family, especially for me. After one incident, I sent out an e-mail to my mom, explaining about how I feel about not being treated as a family member..yada..yada...yada.., and let's just say that I feel her explanation didn't solve the problem.

I feel that the way my parents reacted to these incidents have deepened my wounds and I feel that it is just another confirmation to me that I haven't being treated as a member of their family. I feel that they held their peace at no cost, after all, siblings fight, right?. Part of it might be my pride too. I know that I should be able to forgive right away even before I was asked, and I shouldn't expect that my sister will ask for an apology, since she is just as stubborn as I am. However, feeling that I wasn't treated as a daughter, especially after what happened with my baby, has made it even harder. Right now, I feel that I have forgiven my sister, I know it because when I remember about what she did or said I don't feel any anger.

However, I haven't been able to forgive my parents when I remember how they responded to these incidents. This is the area that I have to work on. I feel that my parents knew what my sister did was wrong and disrespectful, but they would say that it was just a phase, 'a teenager's phase'. I feel that my parents just stood there and watching when my sister lashed out at me in a very hurtful way, without even saying "stop, you're not treating your sister like that, even though your sister might be wrong, but lashing out like that is disrespectful".

I feel that they want to be 'fair' and didn't want to take side even though their youngest daughter was being rude to her sister. I didn't expect for them to take sides. I might approach the problem the wrong way, I should have learnt my lesson and just kept my mouth shut, but regardless, I feel that that's not the reason for someone to say hurtful things and being disrespectful, am I making sense? Again, they didn't address the incidents, and just keep their silence.

I feel that I am required by my parents that I should have just excepted the fact that rudeness was just one of those "teenagers' phase" that my youngest sister is going through. Again, I know it is my pride, I know in my brain that I should be able to accept that it is what it is. So there....the wounded wounds.

We have been enjoying reading Once Upon a Time Saints, and recently we bought the sequel of More Once Upon a Time Saints. Yesterday, we read about the story of St. Moses the black. This dear saint was a robber, who repented. He had a bad habit of short temper. He knew about this bad habit of his, and he shared this problem to one of the hermits. The hermit took him to the top of the hill early in the morning to watch the sunrise. When the sunrise started, the hermit explained that the sun slowly spread its light and the darkness slowly turn into the day. St. Moses the black understood that he can't expect a quick fix to get rid of his short temper. He knew that the graces the Lord will give him, will slowly work on this bad habit, just like the sun in the dawn. I guess what I'm trying to understand is that in this healing process, I can't rush things too.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Scattered thoughts and feelings of a daughter....and a broken trust part 1

My posts lately have been so whinney and all about me. Then again...these are the feelings that I've been keeping for EIGHT YEARS!!! I think it's time to let them out now. Hopefully it will help me heal. This time it will be about my relationship with my parents post placement. What I wrote will be my feelings, I need to write and let them out in order, hopefully, to see clearly where the Lord wants me to see. These feelings are ugly, but again....sins are ugly. I have to say that I do have good parents..but...well..I know as a mom, I myself screw up again and again, who doesn't?.

Only recently, I realize that I feel I have parents who prefer to avoid confrontation. I feel that my parents are the type of parents who prefer to keep peace at all cost.

After the placement, they didn't mention anything about what just happened. I feel that they acted like nothing happened, like it was no biggy. I, of course allowed myself to believe that it was not biggy. Not until recently that I realized it WAS a big deal. I JUST LOST A CHILD AT THAT TIME!!! There will always be grief and mourn after a child is placed. The baby was with me for the whole nine months!! and she was taken away from me by 'family honor'(At least that's how I feel right now, given my circumstances and stories).

By acting that it was 'no biggy', I put the monster to sleep. Life was back to 'normal'. I got married to the love of my life, and our first child was born. My relationship with my parents was fine, back to where it was.  Sure, once in a while there was regret, anger, what ifs, but I quickly brushed them off,  I cried by myself or told my DH.

However..the wound is so deep, and I just buried it as is...raw...it wasn't getting better, big mistake. The wound is just like cancer, eating me little by little. Without realizing it, every time my parents gave me advice, I became defensive, and suddenly the wound open, hurting me. Every time my parents gave me their opinion, I feel like I want to scream "DON'T GIVE ME ANY ADVICE, BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I TOOK YOUR 'ADVICE' I LOST MY CHILD". The most obvious sign of my defensive mechanism, and the way I found out was when my mom tried to give me her opinions when they found out that we were going to adopt children from Ethiopia....you know..adopting a child with different color.. So every time they said something...silently I 'bled' and silently scream 'WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? YOU WANT ME TO GIVE AWAY MY CHILD AND I DID, SO LEAVE ME ALONE", and there..I violated the 4th Commandment.

 Really...not a single word from my parents after the placement. A dear holy priest said that the culture in my parents' generation (a.k.a old people) they don't like talking about things that hurt because they don't want to hurt you more (Really? how can it possibly hurt me more than I already am?) While I'm trying to understand, but it has been delaying my healing process. By not talking to me about it, by pretending that it never happened, it just makes me feel that I have a conformation that 'family honor' is indeed more important. I feel that they can breath safely now that the 'problem has been take care off', that it won't cause shame to their family. It has been giving me conformation that I am indeed was treated not as a daughter and it is indeed my responsibility to 'safe' the other family members.

My dad..the one who told me to kill my child in order to safe the other family members...the one who told me that it is better to sacrifice one life than five lives..the one who indirectly put this burden upon my shoulders has said NOTHING about it.

My mom...well....ever since the placement, I always put my child's photos on a fridge, because my child is part of our family no matter where she is. After all, she is my birth child. My oldest knows that she has a sibling who doesn't live with us. Anyway...couple of years ago, my mom planned to come visit to my house with my grandmother, who doesn't know anything about what's going on..because of course...hush..hush... well, one day, she e-mailed me and told me that since my grandmother was coming with her to my house, she asked me to put away all the photos on the fridge so my grandmother won't know it...I lost it, I e-mailed her back. My mom replied, she apologized, and for that I'm grateful. During their visit, the photos were still there, my grandmother...being so advance in age, didn't even noticed them.

Although my mom has apologized, I haven't been able to forgive, because mostly I haven't been able to forgive myself for being so stupid and didn't stand up for my self and my baby. People say forgive and forget, but our brains don't work that way. If we forget, we would never learn. So  forgive..yes...forget...no. Again..forgiveness is something that I need lots of graces to be able to do it. The story hasn't ended yet, prayers are much needed :)

Friday, February 3, 2012

What is 'Fair'?

While I was pregnant, I mentioned to the couple that I wished to receive photos and updates once a year. I sensed that they were a little bit surprise by my request. I think at that time the Holy Spirit gave me this idea. I'm glad for this, because I have no idea what it would have been if I didn't ask. They told me that they need to talk about it first, they agreed, and they have kept their promise ever since, and for that, I'm grateful. The first year, they even sent me photos and updates every three months.

Of course I'm just a never-satisfied creature. Couple of months after placement, I missed my baby terribly. I started to think that maybe once a year update and photos won't be enough. I wrote to them and asked them if they're willing to send me photos and update couple of times a year. They denied my idea and they said that once a year update is best for their family. Of course I have to obliged since I signed off my parenting right.

I'm grateful that they're keeping their promise, although by law they don't have to, but at the same time I can't deny this strong longing to see more of her photos and updates. Really....12 photos (max) and a two pages letter a year is not enough for this momma. My child for sure is doing more activities than those 12 photos.

I snapped dozens of photos of Gerard for his birth mother. DH said that some of the photos are just the same, I said 'no, look, he is tilting his head a little bit in this one'. I feel so annoyed that I only receive few photos of my child that I took lots and lots of photos of Gerard and send everything to his birth mother because I know that receiveing lots of photos meant a lot to me. I quickly worked my calendar and be available as soon as she expressed her desire to see Gerard.

When I was pregnant, they would call me couple of times a month, just to say 'hi'. I thought it was nice. The wife is a second cousin of my friend whom I know well, so I treated the couple as an extended family too. I gave them the hospital bracelet, I let them to visit me at my apartment to hold the baby (yes, I took the baby home with me for couple of days). Now....well...

Your see...before they adopted my baby, they've already adopted a little girl. She was four when my baby was born. When I placed my desired to receive updates once a year, they mentioned that they need to talk about it since they know little about the birth mother of their first child. Maybe they don't even have contact with her birth family.

I sensed that they want to be 'fair' to both of their children. I feel that they might feel 'unfair' to the first child if they let their second child to have contact and relationship with me while the other daughter not. I express my desired to be able to hug my child (visit), they denied, and they assured me that they'll support fully for my child to have a relationship with me as an adult. From that statement, I assume that they're planning to tell the girls the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth when they reach adulthood.

Well, I think that adoption is a very complex thing. So many things involved in adoption. First and foremost is the grief, feeling of rejection. It's like..you only have so much space in your brain and your heart, and by the time you're...say..18...boom...'here's all the fact about your adoption'. I feel that if the child is introduced at the early age to the birth mother (if the birth mother wishes to do so and if she is known) or about adoption, hopefully the child knows how much the birth mother loves him at an early age. If there are visits, the meeting between the child and his birth mother becomes a ..how to say...habit?...regular?...a way of life?..I can't find the right word. The point is that the child will feel that 'my birth mother does care because she still wants to see me and wants to know me.' or at ;east when the child hears over and over again about his birth mother since an early age, it won't be a strange concept for him. Instead of 'where has she been for all these 18 years?' 'she must not love me'

Maybe these consideration made my child's adoptive parents decided to wait until adulthood with the hope that they'll be able to receive the news better, especially for their first child.

While I'm trying to understand, but I feel that it's not fair for my child. It still hurt being denied a relationship with your child at her early age. Each child has different story. My child's story is different from her sibling. The adoptive family still visit my friend and her family. My friend is able to see my child at least once a year. It's like, everybody knows about me,  her birth mother, except the child herself. Now, every time my friend see the family, she'll call me and give me 'secret report'.

I asked DH if I should try again to ask them to increase the frequency of photos. DH said that I asked once (although it was 8 years ago) and is denied. He's worried that if I ask again they'll even stop altogether the once a year very min update that I have. I don't think I can handle being denied anymore. I guess I'll just wait for whatever The Lord wants me to do on this one. In the mean time, I have to learn to accept that once a year update it is. I'll just see that this once a year update is what the Lord allows me to have...uuurrrggghhhh....I wished I learn more about this family and I wish I learn more about adoption, and I wish this family could be flexible

So many questions running through my mind..do they even tell her that she is adopted or they'll wait till she an adult ? If they don't tell her, it's so heartbreaking to let a child believes that she was born to them while the truth is she is my flesh and blood. If they do tell her, what will they answer be if she asks about me? will they lie?

How would my child feel when she knows that everybody knows about me, even her parents' second cousin, whom she meets regularly and in fact is talking with her birth mother occasionally on the phone? Would she feel that I don't try to have contact with her? How should I answer when my child asks me why I don't try to contact her and see her?

This situation of not being able to have an early relationship helps me to see how to be 'fair' with Gerard, especially when we're adopting another child. If we have the situation like this, each child will know their own story from an early age no matter how hard it is (of course it will be given little by little according to the age), and I will be there crying and hurting with them. Each child will be able to have a relationship with their birth mothers if the birth mothers wish to do so.

It is true that my job as their mom is to protect them. Oh.. how my heart will break into pieces for them, but at the same time, I think letting them know their stories at an early age will help them as children's hearts and mind are easier to mend and balm. They are all my children, biological or adopted, and I love them all the same, I'll die for them, but I wouldn't hide one's child story in order to 'protect' another, it will be painful for me as a mother, but it is necessary.

It will be a learning lesson for everybody to love one's neighbor. To learn to rejoice for the other's good fortune instead of being envy and jealous. To learn to accept God's story for each of us. Well..first thing first I guess..I have to learn to accept God's story for me.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

"Do not be afraid, just have faith" (Mark 5: 21-43)

I've been having these gloomy episodes. Often times they comes while I'm washing dishes, like this morning. We don't have a dishwasher, so every morning I have to stand for couple of minutes scrubbing pots and pans and other stuff.

It was terrible (not the washing dish part). So much anger, what ifs, regrets, etc. It was ugly. I could feel this anger from my wound, fresh and new as if it was from yesterday. I could hear my kiddos' voices and cries, but I felt that I wasn't there. I allowed my self to be drawn to this anger and I dwell in it.

I'm about to start a journey, at least that's what I understood. A journey of healing. I know that in my head, letting go is the right thing to do. However, knowing and to actually living it are two different things. I'm still holding back, unintentionally...I think. My weaknesses, pride, and controlling nature have made it difficult for me to just 'let go'.

The enemy is also striking again and again and again. Satan knows that I'm about to start a journey, and he just never and can't leave me alone. There are times that I feel that I'm being presented over and over again with the scenes from my past, the what ifs, and all those questions that trigger my anger, pain, regret and other ugly stuff.

There were times like this morning, and there will be times that I'm being pulled into my anger zone that makes me have to force myself to crawl out and with a great effort, to throw myself in His mercy. There are times that I feel so angry because I don't feel I'm being treated fairly by my kid's adoptive parents after the way I treat them. I'm angry because I feel that my child's right to know me is denied. Then again...what can I do? nothing...so it's even pointless to feel angry about it. There are times that I think "Maybe I should ask again for them to send me more photos, after all, it was 8 years ago, the last time I asked".

Often times I feel that I can't do this, who cares about 'living in the present moment' advice, the anger and pain just comes again and again and again. Our Lord answered me....

Couple of days ago, during my meditation, I read a story about Our Lord, who was about to get on the boat and sail. He told His disciples "Let us go to the other side". When they were in the middle of the sea, there was a bad storm, terrible wind and rain, the disciples were so afraid, and Our Lord was sleeping. They woke Him up, scared to death, and The Lord calmed the storm while questioning His beloved disciples' faith.

Call me crazy, but I feel that it is His personal invitation to me. He looked at me and told me "Let us go to the other side". Right now I'm on the side of my past, full of sadness, wounds, anger caused by my sins. He is inviting me to get on the boat to other side. Now, of course the journey won't be pretty. There will be doubts, anger, pain, and those ugly things, but I have to keep asking Our Lord to increase my faith, that no matter what, He is with me. I need to trust Him. He might be 'sleeping', but He is in the same boat with me. It might be journey for a lifetime, though. I'm scared of this journey because I know that I will fall so many times, but I know this journey is important because I need to love.Urrrggghhh...I don't like this journey :(

Another day, I also read the story about Our Lord, who was on His way to cure this dying young child. A woman who suffered from hemorrhage touched His cloth and immediately healed. All because of her faith. The dying child died when Our Lord arrived, but He said "Do not be afraid, just have faith" and another miracle happened. There you go, He told me to have faith.

I mentioned before that often times I feel that I treated the adoptive family just like my extended family when I was pregnant. Now, I feel that they don't want or want minimum contact with me. I feel unappreciated. Well....He answered me again. During our family Holy Hour, I grabbed this small booklet. It is a small collection of Our Lord's conversation with St. Faustina taken from her diary. I told Him about how I feel...then my eyes laid on this particular conversation..it turns out that this beloved Saint had the same problem too...feeling unappreciated. Our Lord spoke to me directly through this writing saying that I feel the way I'm feeling because I rely on people to make me feel satisfied and appreciated. I put my hope at the wrong place.

It's funny how the more you teach the more you'll learn. Well, in our religion class, we were learning about The Station. We read about how the disciples fell asleep even though Our Lord told them to watch and pray.  In a simple language, the book explained that Our Lord told His disciples that they'll sin if they don't watch and pray, and He was right, they all ran away because they were weak and scared. 

I have to train myself to be alert all the time. I can't control the feelings. When the anger comes ...and it will come,  I have to be able to quickly say a little prayer, begging for mercy, and not dwelling in anger. Of course, as usual, it is easier said than done. A dear holy priest told me that feeling angry is not a sin, what makes it a sin is when I act in a wrong way or when I dwell in this anger. I have to learn to recognize when the anger is about to come. Watch and pray, asking for strength and courage.

I found these quotes, it's amazing how His answer is always on time, isn't it?

God wastes nothing - not even sin. The soul that has struggled and come through is enriched by it's experiences, and Grace does not merely blot out the evil past but in the most literal sense "makes it good."- Dorothy SayersE

Extraordinary afflictions are not always the punishment of extraordinary sins, but sometimes the trial of extraordinary graces.-Matthew Henry

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Thing one and thing two...oh well...couple of things actually

First of all, thank you so much for kind words and prayers. I really appreciate all of them.

Here are few things:

1. We might have a prospective renter who is thinking to sign the contract for two years. We still hope to sell our house down in the south, but since the market is still really bad, well, we'll just have to be grateful whatever The Lord gave us. Beggars can't be choosers.

2. Our school is doing fine, we're busy building miniature Stations of The Cross grotto for our Lent activities on Fridays. I hope it will be done by Lent. We still need to make some ornaments for our Jesus' Tree as our Easter count down. I found this idea  here. I also need to make Lent Calendar, check out here or here.

I really hope we can finish school on time, if not...oh well...the joy of homeschooling is that we have to be flexible, just because life happens.

3. After 2 years, I finally back to charting again. It's kind of weird, but I guess it's like learning how to ride on a bicycle again.

4. DH and I..well...actually more to DH, decided that he will reevaluate our plan to adopt at the end of summer. Hopefully with this renter, it will help our finance so that we can pursue adoption...why can't money grow in a tree? We talked a lot about our next adoption. We both feel that we need to widen our age preference a little wider, 0-12 months. We both feel that it's time to pray about minor special need infants, preemie, and see where The Lord will lead us.

5. I'm having a hard time in my healing process, but I think that deserve another post.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Knowing when to let go....

This past few weeks, after I wrote my confession, looks like the Holy Spirit presented me with readings and led my meditation to this issue. I saw thise meditation guide a point where it said "Knowing when to let go..." within seconds, as soon as I laid my eyes on this point, My thought was brought to my pain. At first, I thought it was just a one time thingy, but over and over, different readings, but still relevant, and my mind was always brought to this "Let Go!".

Now, for the past eight years, I've been clinging to my anger, unforgiveness, pain,regrets, etc. I've been clinging to my first born, my birth child. I'm scared to let go, because if I let go, I feel that I don't love this child.

The very first reading was about John the Baptist. In this story, when he was baptizing, he spotted Our Lord, then he made this proclamation "Behold the Lamb of God", and immediately, the two of John the Baptist's disciples, John and Andrew left John the Baptist, and followed Our Lord.

John the Baptist was LETTING GO these two disciples of his, whom he loved so dearly I'm sure. Why? because John the Baptist knew and trusted Our Lord that these two disciples will have better use when his disciples followed Him, instead of staying back with John the Baptist. John the Baptist didn't hold back. John, Our Lord's dearest disciple, wouldn't write the Gospel and book of Revelation if he didn't follow Christ. Andrew wouldn't introduce his brother, Simon Peter, if he stayed back. I'm sure that John the Baptist was sad and heartbroken, but he trusted Our Lord.

The Holy Spirit also guided me in my meditation on the reading when Our Lord was explaining about having a new wineskin if you want to pour a new wine. You don't pour a new wine to and old wineskin. A new wine must be poured into a new wineskin.

Then I read about how a leper approach Our Lord and ask Him that if He choose, He can make this leper clean, free from leper. Our Lord, of course, being pushed on His weakest point, which is the faith of this leper, immediately cured him.

The Holy Spirit hasn't finished with me yet. I watched a clip of Mother Angelica, on how she's explaining about living in the present moment. Mother explain that most people keep reliving the past. She said that the past is dead, the future is not yet born.

So, as afraid as I am to say it out loud...I'm so scared to even think about it, but the Holy Spirit keeps bugging me to admit that it's time to let go. I need to let go, everything, my past, because it's already dead. It will stink me up if I keep holding on to it. I did what I could do to be able to see my first born, to have an open adoption relationship. I don't think I want to jeopardize the  very few photos and letter that I receive once a year. Not because I don't love this dear child, but because I have to trust Our Lord that He Himself has a plan for this child.

He Himself, through the sin I chose to commit, chose a family for this child, and He will use this dear child of His for His own plan. Nothing I can do now accept to let go. I'm still the birth mother of this dearest, nothing can change that. The Lord knows the fear I'm feeling, the longing, the pain, everything, He knows. I know that He would ease everything if He wants to, but it is not His plan.

Through the pain I feel caused by my sins, like Mother Angelica said, my Father carefully thought about me, and stamped this cross lovingly with my name on it. He trusts me to bear this cross like the daughter of a King. So bearing this cross I will. John the Baptist let go, I must do the same.

I consecrated my first born to Our Blessed Mother, since I won't be there to watch my birth child growing up, at least she will. I figured that Our Blessed Mother will be the perfect person to watch over this child.

By letting go, I'm able to have a 'new wineskin' where Our Lord will be able to pour 'new wine' in me. By letting go, I'm able to live in a present moment.

I'm a leper now. the leper in Our Lord's time was a 'prisoner' of this disease, I'm  a prisoner in my longing, pain, anger, etc. I need to be freed from this anger, so that I can love freely. I need to keep approaching Our Lord and say the exact word "Lord, if You choose, You can cure me", and bearing my cross as He carried His once. I don't need to worry about the direction, all I need to do is to follow.

I need to be whole again. I need to let go. The question is...How? I HAVE NO IDEA!! but I'm sure Our Lord knows. Well, at least I've admitted the need to let go, that's the big step...haha..

Sunday, January 8, 2012

My kind of confession...part 3

This post is harder than I thought. I couldn't find the right words without being so angry. So, I figured that I'll just start typing whatever comes to my mind.

My relationship with my parents at this point was still good. I considered any advices from my parents carefully and I respected them. We were close.

Before I got my bachelor degree, I applied for a training program, and I got accepted. I was very excited, nervous and scared at the same time. My parents were happy for me. The time came for me to travel to a distant land, and start my training program.

Little did I know, that this part of my journey was when everything would change. This was the part of my life that I feel the Lord broke me into pieces. My complicated love relationship with our Good Lord started with my biggest mistake.

I started my training program excited, homesick, and with the same old me attitude looking for fun. It was December 2002, and I chose the wrong choice. In January 2003, I found out I was pregnant...out of wedlock. The baby's father denied himself. I wasn't  scared of being pregnant, I was scared that my parents would go banana at me, and remember that 'family honor' is everything? It wasn't supposed to go this way, I had plans.

I couldn't think clearly, to say I was confused is an understatement. I couldn't even find the right word. I feel that at the stage of mind that I was in, I could easily be influenced by people. It was such an overwhelming feeling that I couldn't find the right words to describe as no words will suffice. Finally, I gather all my courage, and I called home. My mom, she cried. My dad, amazingly, didn't scold me ( I was so ready to receive every piece of his mind) I was more scared of him being angry than being pregnant.

Then he told me calmly to get rid of 'it'. At that point, on my shoulders, I was given a very heavy burden...'family honor'. I was told that it is better to sacrifice one life than five lives. In my mental situation at that time, I felt that my out of wedlock pregnancy has put ashame to the family honor, and I'm responsible to fix it.

I had to make decision quick. I wasn't asked what I thought, I wasn't asked what I wanted to do with the pregnancy, I wasn't given the time to digest, step back and make MY own decision. I wasn't given the time or asked if I wanted to keep the baby, I wasn't asked "what do YOU think YOU should do?", I wasn't even offered help from my own family that they will help me to raise the baby, if I choose to keep the baby. I was left alone, at least that's how I feel right now.

Right now I feel that at that time, I was treated like someone who just screwed up big time with the family honor. I feel like I wasn't treated as a daughter. I feel like at that time, family honor was more important than me, a member of the family. I feel like there was no mercy embracing me when I was at my lowest point. The only way to 'fix' the problem is to get rid of 'it' so nobody will know.

Right now I feel that something important, part of me, what belong to ME, got ripped of and taken away without even asking MY permission. Right now, I feel stupid.

Right now I feel angry, especially to myself. If only I could stand up for myself and for my baby, things would be different. If only I didn't listen to anybody else except me, if only I made MY own decision based on what I think is right, I would still have my baby.

Right now, as I'm learning to know about Our Lord, when the anger comes, I still couldn't believe He let me loose my baby. I couldn't believe that He didn't prevent me from making decisions that cause me losing my baby. I mean if He knows and permits everything to happen, well...see...I told you I have a complicated love relationship with the Lord, or I should say, I'm the one who make things complicated.

Anyway, back to the baby....I started to look for an abortion clinic. I know very well the stage of mind of a girl looking for an abortion. My parents told me something, I had to obey, or at least that;s what I thought I should do at that time.

By the grace of God, and with the help of my sweet Guardian Angel, no, I didn't kill my baby. Still, I had to get rid of 'it'. A friend of mine had distance cousins who were hoping to adopt. I jumped to it without any given thought. Again, I feel stupid, I should have searched more about adoption, I should have known what I want, but I didn't. If only I searched more about adoption, I would have done the adoption a different way so that I could still see my flesh and blood.

Long story short, I gave birth, and put my baby for adoption. Right now, I regretted my decision. After 8 long years with so much anger, I admit: I REGRET MY DECISION.

Don't get me wrong, I think that adoption is a wonderful thing, I'm an adoptive mother myself, I'm longing to adopt again, but in my circumstances, in my story, I think even if I did make the adoption decision, it should have been based on MY OWN decision, not because of the influence from other people. I should have taken the time to think it through about all other things related to adoption.

When the pain comes, and anger flooded my heart, I wonder why at that time, the Lord didn't reveal  to me that I would have a stable family on my own, why He didn't let me learn more about adoption, and let me choose another family for my first born, a family that has flexibility so I'm allowed to see my first born, why He didn't change my first born's adoptive parents' hearts so that I'm able to see the child that I gave birth to, even though only for a short time. I asked to be sent photos couple of times a year instead of once a year, I got rejected. I asked for visits, I got rejected. I asked if I could send small gifts, I got rejected. Why wasn't I thinking about these things before? because I didn't do my homework and learn more about adoption, it was too late.

When the pain comes, ripping my chest, I ask these questions: Why the Lord didn't let me see my first born? what kind of healing He has in mind? Why I was so stupid at that time? I'm struggling to forgive myself for being so stupid, and now, the more I know the Lord, the more I will blame Him for not revealing those things to me. If He loves me even though I sinned, He should have revealed those things to me.

Well, Theresa and I are learning, in religion class, that only bad things come from sins. Sins bring troubles and pain here and there. God didn't and doesn't cause my anger and my pain. The anger and pain I'm feeling right now are caused by sins that I choose to commit. My situation of not being able to see my first born doesn't cause by God, it was caused by the sins I committed. Surely God will be able to make things better in an instant, He could have allowed me to see my birth child right at this minute if He wants me too, but I guess that is not His plan for me. I have to learn to accept His plan, I'm dragging to accept and say 'Yes'. I'm struggling to say the fiat with a smile.

Now, I can't change things that has happened. If only... could have...should have...would have....will not change a thing. I know this in my mind, but in my heart...that's a different story.

I have been living in anger for 8 years, but I think that the Lord, slowly and surely, is showing me what my problem is...I haven't got a time to grieve. I was too proud to admit that I'm broken. I was too proud to admit that things are not okay. I've been pretending that everything is okay.

Very slowly and surely, I'm learning to admit that I'm angry, that things are not okay, that I'm broken, that I'm struggling to accept that God allowed things happened to me for His own plans, that He still loves me no matter what, He still loves me even though He didn't reveal everything to me at that time, and He still loves me even though He doesn't allow me to see my birth child (a very strange way to show love, I must say).

Right now, I have to live with whatever consequences, because of the decisions I made regardless.

I have to start to forgive MYSELF. I need to heal my own wound in order to forgive other people and to accept all the consequences, such as being separated from my own flesh and blood.

The Lord gave me a wonderful companion, though, my DH. The first time we started dating, he knew about my situation. He has been my rock and shoulders to cry on when the pain is too much.

Often time, when the pain comes, I tell him that I choose the wrong family for my first born...and he shut my mouth with his words "for you...it might be a mistake, but for God...it is the right family, are you saying that God made mistakes?" Although I would love to argue this, I know in my mind that he is right, now...in my heart, that's a different story, I need a lot more graces.

The Lord also allowed me to be an adoptive mother for our son and plant desires for us to adopt again, maybe, through my own painful experiences, I am asked to show more compassion to other birth mothers as I am one myself too. I'm asked to treat our son's birth mother with love, the same way I wished to be treated as a birth mother. Through my experience, I'm learning the importance for being flexible in the adoption world, because flexibility will help to heal the wound.

I'm allowed to see things from an adoptive mother's point of view as I am one too, so when I start blaming my birth child's adoptive parents, I'm reminded as an adoptive parent myself, and try very very hard to be compassionate to them...*SIGH*

My root sin is pride, and I have a long way to go, to learn to accept this life I live. I have a long way to learn about forgiveness and humility. Right now, I'm just an unforgiving, angry, and broken soul..with other ugly things in between.

Sometimes I'm wondering if the Lord will ever take this pain away. Maybe He enjoys me being crippled as it is His own delight to carry me all over on His own shoulders.

I'm praying as I'm pushing the publish button, His name will be glorified.