This post will be all over, because my mind is all over. Let me start with...this pregnancy comes with a price. The pregnancy is going well, the baby is doing well (St Gerard, will you keep it that way, please?). Anyway, the price is, it requires my total surrender to my Beloved.
You see, this will be my 4th c-section. With my medical history, I've 'lost' my chance to give birth naturally. With multiple c-sections, there will be a point that I have to stop getting pregnant, because it will be the matter life or death for me and the baby.
The max c-section that I've heard so far for someone to have is 6. Some people 4, some people 5, some people 3. It all depends on the healing process of the mother. I'm blessed with this one. When I had my c-section with Maria, we asked the doctor to check everything in me, to make sure that everything is okay. He gave us a green light to have another baby, so came this current pregnancy. He was actually a little bit surprised when he found out that my scar tissues looked like normal even with the 3rd c-section.
When we found out that we are pregnant, my heart becomes heavy, what if this is it? what if in December, the doctor will give us the news that we don't want to hear?
I've been on my knees praying for a healthy baby and begging God's mercy to not let this be it. I'm also in battle though. I feel that I'm not grateful for 3 blessings and another one coming. There are many women out there who just love to have at least 1. I feel that telling myself that I'm crazy to even think about having more. I feel that I'm greedy..more..more..more...I feel like I'm wearing a mask when I pray, trying to be strong. Then I realized, that there's nothing wrong to wanting for more children. It's my vocation. Whether or not He gives me, well..that's another story.
This week Gospel hit me. It's the story when Our Lord was in His hometown. The people were lacking of faith, and because of that, Our Lord couldn't perform great miracles.
I am one of those people. The Lord has proven His faithfulness over and over and over again, and I still have no faith that The Lord will give what is best and only the best for me, no matter what the outcome will be.
There's nothing wrong to ask and to let The Lord know what I want, how scared I am (I'm more scared to hear what the doctor has to say in December than the surgery itself). At the same time, asking for grace to let His will be my will. I just wish it will be that easy. It's a daily surrender til December.
1 comment:
I do know someone who has had seven c-sections. So do not lose hope. But I agree it is very hard to surrender and give up one's will for God's. I may end up with a hysterectomy after this child as I have a prolapsed uterus from my first delivery. I have to consult with an OB about how to deliver this next one.
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