Knowing when to let go....

This past few weeks, after I wrote my confession, looks like the Holy Spirit presented me with readings and led my meditation to this issue. I saw thise meditation guide a point where it said "Knowing when to let go..." within seconds, as soon as I laid my eyes on this point, My thought was brought to my pain. At first, I thought it was just a one time thingy, but over and over, different readings, but still relevant, and my mind was always brought to this "Let Go!".

Now, for the past eight years, I've been clinging to my anger, unforgiveness, pain,regrets, etc. I've been clinging to my first born, my birth child. I'm scared to let go, because if I let go, I feel that I don't love this child.

The very first reading was about John the Baptist. In this story, when he was baptizing, he spotted Our Lord, then he made this proclamation "Behold the Lamb of God", and immediately, the two of John the Baptist's disciples, John and Andrew left John the Baptist, and followed Our Lord.

John the Baptist was LETTING GO these two disciples of his, whom he loved so dearly I'm sure. Why? because John the Baptist knew and trusted Our Lord that these two disciples will have better use when his disciples followed Him, instead of staying back with John the Baptist. John the Baptist didn't hold back. John, Our Lord's dearest disciple, wouldn't write the Gospel and book of Revelation if he didn't follow Christ. Andrew wouldn't introduce his brother, Simon Peter, if he stayed back. I'm sure that John the Baptist was sad and heartbroken, but he trusted Our Lord.

The Holy Spirit also guided me in my meditation on the reading when Our Lord was explaining about having a new wineskin if you want to pour a new wine. You don't pour a new wine to and old wineskin. A new wine must be poured into a new wineskin.

Then I read about how a leper approach Our Lord and ask Him that if He choose, He can make this leper clean, free from leper. Our Lord, of course, being pushed on His weakest point, which is the faith of this leper, immediately cured him.

The Holy Spirit hasn't finished with me yet. I watched a clip of Mother Angelica, on how she's explaining about living in the present moment. Mother explain that most people keep reliving the past. She said that the past is dead, the future is not yet born.

So, as afraid as I am to say it out loud...I'm so scared to even think about it, but the Holy Spirit keeps bugging me to admit that it's time to let go. I need to let go, everything, my past, because it's already dead. It will stink me up if I keep holding on to it. I did what I could do to be able to see my first born, to have an open adoption relationship. I don't think I want to jeopardize the  very few photos and letter that I receive once a year. Not because I don't love this dear child, but because I have to trust Our Lord that He Himself has a plan for this child.

He Himself, through the sin I chose to commit, chose a family for this child, and He will use this dear child of His for His own plan. Nothing I can do now accept to let go. I'm still the birth mother of this dearest, nothing can change that. The Lord knows the fear I'm feeling, the longing, the pain, everything, He knows. I know that He would ease everything if He wants to, but it is not His plan.

Through the pain I feel caused by my sins, like Mother Angelica said, my Father carefully thought about me, and stamped this cross lovingly with my name on it. He trusts me to bear this cross like the daughter of a King. So bearing this cross I will. John the Baptist let go, I must do the same.

I consecrated my first born to Our Blessed Mother, since I won't be there to watch my birth child growing up, at least she will. I figured that Our Blessed Mother will be the perfect person to watch over this child.

By letting go, I'm able to have a 'new wineskin' where Our Lord will be able to pour 'new wine' in me. By letting go, I'm able to live in a present moment.

I'm a leper now. the leper in Our Lord's time was a 'prisoner' of this disease, I'm  a prisoner in my longing, pain, anger, etc. I need to be freed from this anger, so that I can love freely. I need to keep approaching Our Lord and say the exact word "Lord, if You choose, You can cure me", and bearing my cross as He carried His once. I don't need to worry about the direction, all I need to do is to follow.

I need to be whole again. I need to let go. The question is...How? I HAVE NO IDEA!! but I'm sure Our Lord knows. Well, at least I've admitted the need to let go, that's the big step...haha..