Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Scattered thoughts and feelings of a daughter....and a broken trust part 1

My posts lately have been so whinney and all about me. Then again...these are the feelings that I've been keeping for EIGHT YEARS!!! I think it's time to let them out now. Hopefully it will help me heal. This time it will be about my relationship with my parents post placement. What I wrote will be my feelings, I need to write and let them out in order, hopefully, to see clearly where the Lord wants me to see. These feelings are ugly, but again....sins are ugly. I have to say that I do have good parents..but...well..I know as a mom, I myself screw up again and again, who doesn't?.

Only recently, I realize that I feel I have parents who prefer to avoid confrontation. I feel that my parents are the type of parents who prefer to keep peace at all cost.

After the placement, they didn't mention anything about what just happened. I feel that they acted like nothing happened, like it was no biggy. I, of course allowed myself to believe that it was not biggy. Not until recently that I realized it WAS a big deal. I JUST LOST A CHILD AT THAT TIME!!! There will always be grief and mourn after a child is placed. The baby was with me for the whole nine months!! and she was taken away from me by 'family honor'(At least that's how I feel right now, given my circumstances and stories).

By acting that it was 'no biggy', I put the monster to sleep. Life was back to 'normal'. I got married to the love of my life, and our first child was born. My relationship with my parents was fine, back to where it was.  Sure, once in a while there was regret, anger, what ifs, but I quickly brushed them off,  I cried by myself or told my DH.

However..the wound is so deep, and I just buried it as is...raw...it wasn't getting better, big mistake. The wound is just like cancer, eating me little by little. Without realizing it, every time my parents gave me advice, I became defensive, and suddenly the wound open, hurting me. Every time my parents gave me their opinion, I feel like I want to scream "DON'T GIVE ME ANY ADVICE, BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I TOOK YOUR 'ADVICE' I LOST MY CHILD". The most obvious sign of my defensive mechanism, and the way I found out was when my mom tried to give me her opinions when they found out that we were going to adopt children from Ethiopia....you know..adopting a child with different color.. So every time they said something...silently I 'bled' and silently scream 'WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? YOU WANT ME TO GIVE AWAY MY CHILD AND I DID, SO LEAVE ME ALONE", and there..I violated the 4th Commandment.

 Really...not a single word from my parents after the placement. A dear holy priest said that the culture in my parents' generation (a.k.a old people) they don't like talking about things that hurt because they don't want to hurt you more (Really? how can it possibly hurt me more than I already am?) While I'm trying to understand, but it has been delaying my healing process. By not talking to me about it, by pretending that it never happened, it just makes me feel that I have a conformation that 'family honor' is indeed more important. I feel that they can breath safely now that the 'problem has been take care off', that it won't cause shame to their family. It has been giving me conformation that I am indeed was treated not as a daughter and it is indeed my responsibility to 'safe' the other family members.

My dad..the one who told me to kill my child in order to safe the other family members...the one who told me that it is better to sacrifice one life than five lives..the one who indirectly put this burden upon my shoulders has said NOTHING about it.

My mom...well....ever since the placement, I always put my child's photos on a fridge, because my child is part of our family no matter where she is. After all, she is my birth child. My oldest knows that she has a sibling who doesn't live with us. Anyway...couple of years ago, my mom planned to come visit to my house with my grandmother, who doesn't know anything about what's going on..because of course...hush..hush... well, one day, she e-mailed me and told me that since my grandmother was coming with her to my house, she asked me to put away all the photos on the fridge so my grandmother won't know it...I lost it, I e-mailed her back. My mom replied, she apologized, and for that I'm grateful. During their visit, the photos were still there, my grandmother...being so advance in age, didn't even noticed them.

Although my mom has apologized, I haven't been able to forgive, because mostly I haven't been able to forgive myself for being so stupid and didn't stand up for my self and my baby. People say forgive and forget, but our brains don't work that way. If we forget, we would never learn. So  forgive..yes...forget...no. Again..forgiveness is something that I need lots of graces to be able to do it. The story hasn't ended yet, prayers are much needed :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Amelia, your anger is so justifiable. I don't think you are breaking the 4th commandment when you want to yell at your parents. In my old age (I hope you are laughing here), I find it so much harder to hold back with my father especially. Always growing up we were afraid of him and even when he would say horrible things we just took it. It would be nice if you could find a good catholic counselor who could advise you on how to heal. The hurt will never go away. And, of course, you will never forget but maybe there is a way of finding a little peace. I am choosing you as my prayer buddy for lent. :)