"Do not be afraid, just have faith" (Mark 5: 21-43)

I've been having these gloomy episodes. Often times they comes while I'm washing dishes, like this morning. We don't have a dishwasher, so every morning I have to stand for couple of minutes scrubbing pots and pans and other stuff.

It was terrible (not the washing dish part). So much anger, what ifs, regrets, etc. It was ugly. I could feel this anger from my wound, fresh and new as if it was from yesterday. I could hear my kiddos' voices and cries, but I felt that I wasn't there. I allowed my self to be drawn to this anger and I dwell in it.

I'm about to start a journey, at least that's what I understood. A journey of healing. I know that in my head, letting go is the right thing to do. However, knowing and to actually living it are two different things. I'm still holding back, unintentionally...I think. My weaknesses, pride, and controlling nature have made it difficult for me to just 'let go'.

The enemy is also striking again and again and again. Satan knows that I'm about to start a journey, and he just never and can't leave me alone. There are times that I feel that I'm being presented over and over again with the scenes from my past, the what ifs, and all those questions that trigger my anger, pain, regret and other ugly stuff.

There were times like this morning, and there will be times that I'm being pulled into my anger zone that makes me have to force myself to crawl out and with a great effort, to throw myself in His mercy. There are times that I feel so angry because I don't feel I'm being treated fairly by my kid's adoptive parents after the way I treat them. I'm angry because I feel that my child's right to know me is denied. Then again...what can I do? nothing...so it's even pointless to feel angry about it. There are times that I think "Maybe I should ask again for them to send me more photos, after all, it was 8 years ago, the last time I asked".

Often times I feel that I can't do this, who cares about 'living in the present moment' advice, the anger and pain just comes again and again and again. Our Lord answered me....

Couple of days ago, during my meditation, I read a story about Our Lord, who was about to get on the boat and sail. He told His disciples "Let us go to the other side". When they were in the middle of the sea, there was a bad storm, terrible wind and rain, the disciples were so afraid, and Our Lord was sleeping. They woke Him up, scared to death, and The Lord calmed the storm while questioning His beloved disciples' faith.

Call me crazy, but I feel that it is His personal invitation to me. He looked at me and told me "Let us go to the other side". Right now I'm on the side of my past, full of sadness, wounds, anger caused by my sins. He is inviting me to get on the boat to other side. Now, of course the journey won't be pretty. There will be doubts, anger, pain, and those ugly things, but I have to keep asking Our Lord to increase my faith, that no matter what, He is with me. I need to trust Him. He might be 'sleeping', but He is in the same boat with me. It might be journey for a lifetime, though. I'm scared of this journey because I know that I will fall so many times, but I know this journey is important because I need to love.Urrrggghhh...I don't like this journey :(

Another day, I also read the story about Our Lord, who was on His way to cure this dying young child. A woman who suffered from hemorrhage touched His cloth and immediately healed. All because of her faith. The dying child died when Our Lord arrived, but He said "Do not be afraid, just have faith" and another miracle happened. There you go, He told me to have faith.

I mentioned before that often times I feel that I treated the adoptive family just like my extended family when I was pregnant. Now, I feel that they don't want or want minimum contact with me. I feel unappreciated. Well....He answered me again. During our family Holy Hour, I grabbed this small booklet. It is a small collection of Our Lord's conversation with St. Faustina taken from her diary. I told Him about how I feel...then my eyes laid on this particular conversation..it turns out that this beloved Saint had the same problem too...feeling unappreciated. Our Lord spoke to me directly through this writing saying that I feel the way I'm feeling because I rely on people to make me feel satisfied and appreciated. I put my hope at the wrong place.

It's funny how the more you teach the more you'll learn. Well, in our religion class, we were learning about The Station. We read about how the disciples fell asleep even though Our Lord told them to watch and pray.  In a simple language, the book explained that Our Lord told His disciples that they'll sin if they don't watch and pray, and He was right, they all ran away because they were weak and scared. 

I have to train myself to be alert all the time. I can't control the feelings. When the anger comes ...and it will come,  I have to be able to quickly say a little prayer, begging for mercy, and not dwelling in anger. Of course, as usual, it is easier said than done. A dear holy priest told me that feeling angry is not a sin, what makes it a sin is when I act in a wrong way or when I dwell in this anger. I have to learn to recognize when the anger is about to come. Watch and pray, asking for strength and courage.

I found these quotes, it's amazing how His answer is always on time, isn't it?

God wastes nothing - not even sin. The soul that has struggled and come through is enriched by it's experiences, and Grace does not merely blot out the evil past but in the most literal sense "makes it good."- Dorothy SayersE

Extraordinary afflictions are not always the punishment of extraordinary sins, but sometimes the trial of extraordinary graces.-Matthew Henry