What is 'Fair'?

While I was pregnant, I mentioned to the couple that I wished to receive photos and updates once a year. I sensed that they were a little bit surprise by my request. I think at that time the Holy Spirit gave me this idea. I'm glad for this, because I have no idea what it would have been if I didn't ask. They told me that they need to talk about it first, they agreed, and they have kept their promise ever since, and for that, I'm grateful. The first year, they even sent me photos and updates every three months.


Of course I'm just a never-satisfied creature. Couple of months after placement, I missed my baby terribly. I started to think that maybe once a year update and photos won't be enough. I wrote to them and asked them if they're willing to send me photos and update couple of times a year. They denied my idea and they said that once a year update is best for their family. Of course I have to obliged since I signed off my parenting right.

I'm grateful that they're keeping their promise, although by law they don't have to, but at the same time I can't deny this strong longing to see more of her photos and updates. Really....12 photos (max) and a two pages letter a year is not enough for this momma. My child for sure is doing more activities than those 12 photos.

I snapped dozens of photos of Gerard for his birth mother. DH said that some of the photos are just the same, I said 'no, look, he is tilting his head a little bit in this one'. I feel so annoyed that I only receive few photos of my child that I took lots and lots of photos of Gerard and send everything to his birth mother because I know that receiveing lots of photos meant a lot to me. I quickly worked my calendar and be available as soon as she expressed her desire to see Gerard.

When I was pregnant, they would call me couple of times a month, just to say 'hi'. I thought it was nice. The wife is a second cousin of my friend whom I know well, so I treated the couple as an extended family too. I gave them the hospital bracelet, I let them to visit me at my apartment to hold the baby (yes, I took the baby home with me for couple of days). Now....well...

Your see...before they adopted my baby, they've already adopted a little girl. She was four when my baby was born. When I placed my desired to receive updates once a year, they mentioned that they need to talk about it since they know little about the birth mother of their first child. Maybe they don't even have contact with her birth family.

I sensed that they want to be 'fair' to both of their children. I feel that they might feel 'unfair' to the first child if they let their second child to have contact and relationship with me while the other daughter not. I express my desired to be able to hug my child (visit), they denied, and they assured me that they'll support fully for my child to have a relationship with me as an adult. From that statement, I assume that they're planning to tell the girls the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth when they reach adulthood.

Well, I think that adoption is a very complex thing. So many things involved in adoption. First and foremost is the grief, feeling of rejection. It's like..you only have so much space in your brain and your heart, and by the time you're...say..18...boom...'here's all the fact about your adoption'. I feel that if the child is introduced at the early age to the birth mother (if the birth mother wishes to do so and if she is known) or about adoption, hopefully the child knows how much the birth mother loves him at an early age. If there are visits, the meeting between the child and his birth mother becomes a ..how to say...habit?...regular?...a way of life?..I can't find the right word. The point is that the child will feel that 'my birth mother does care because she still wants to see me and wants to know me.' or at ;east when the child hears over and over again about his birth mother since an early age, it won't be a strange concept for him. Instead of 'where has she been for all these 18 years?' 'she must not love me'

Maybe these consideration made my child's adoptive parents decided to wait until adulthood with the hope that they'll be able to receive the news better, especially for their first child.

While I'm trying to understand, but I feel that it's not fair for my child. It still hurt being denied a relationship with your child at her early age. Each child has different story. My child's story is different from her sibling. The adoptive family still visit my friend and her family. My friend is able to see my child at least once a year. It's like, everybody knows about me,  her birth mother, except the child herself. Now, every time my friend see the family, she'll call me and give me 'secret report'.

I asked DH if I should try again to ask them to increase the frequency of photos. DH said that I asked once (although it was 8 years ago) and is denied. He's worried that if I ask again they'll even stop altogether the once a year very min update that I have. I don't think I can handle being denied anymore. I guess I'll just wait for whatever The Lord wants me to do on this one. In the mean time, I have to learn to accept that once a year update it is. I'll just see that this once a year update is what the Lord allows me to have...uuurrrggghhhh....I wished I learn more about this family and I wish I learn more about adoption, and I wish this family could be flexible

So many questions running through my mind..do they even tell her that she is adopted or they'll wait till she an adult ? If they don't tell her, it's so heartbreaking to let a child believes that she was born to them while the truth is she is my flesh and blood. If they do tell her, what will they answer be if she asks about me? will they lie?

How would my child feel when she knows that everybody knows about me, even her parents' second cousin, whom she meets regularly and in fact is talking with her birth mother occasionally on the phone? Would she feel that I don't try to have contact with her? How should I answer when my child asks me why I don't try to contact her and see her?

This situation of not being able to have an early relationship helps me to see how to be 'fair' with Gerard, especially when we're adopting another child. If we have the situation like this, each child will know their own story from an early age no matter how hard it is (of course it will be given little by little according to the age), and I will be there crying and hurting with them. Each child will be able to have a relationship with their birth mothers if the birth mothers wish to do so.

It is true that my job as their mom is to protect them. Oh.. how my heart will break into pieces for them, but at the same time, I think letting them know their stories at an early age will help them as children's hearts and mind are easier to mend and balm. They are all my children, biological or adopted, and I love them all the same, I'll die for them, but I wouldn't hide one's child story in order to 'protect' another, it will be painful for me as a mother, but it is necessary.

It will be a learning lesson for everybody to love one's neighbor. To learn to rejoice for the other's good fortune instead of being envy and jealous. To learn to accept God's story for each of us. Well..first thing first I guess..I have to learn to accept God's story for me.