My kind of confession...part 3

This post is harder than I thought. I couldn't find the right words without being so angry. So, I figured that I'll just start typing whatever comes to my mind.

My relationship with my parents at this point was still good. I considered any advices from my parents carefully and I respected them. We were close.


Before I got my bachelor degree, I applied for a training program, and I got accepted. I was very excited, nervous and scared at the same time. My parents were happy for me. The time came for me to travel to a distant land, and start my training program.

Little did I know, that this part of my journey was when everything would change. This was the part of my life that I feel the Lord broke me into pieces. My complicated love relationship with our Good Lord started with my biggest mistake.

I started my training program excited, homesick, and with the same old me attitude looking for fun. It was December 2002, and I chose the wrong choice. In January 2003, I found out I was pregnant...out of wedlock. The baby's father denied himself. I wasn't  scared of being pregnant, I was scared that my parents would go banana at me, and remember that 'family honor' is everything? It wasn't supposed to go this way, I had plans.

I couldn't think clearly, to say I was confused is an understatement. I couldn't even find the right word. I feel that at the stage of mind that I was in, I could easily be influenced by people. It was such an overwhelming feeling that I couldn't find the right words to describe as no words will suffice. Finally, I gather all my courage, and I called home. My mom, she cried. My dad, amazingly, didn't scold me ( I was so ready to receive every piece of his mind) I was more scared of him being angry than being pregnant.

Then he told me calmly to get rid of 'it'. At that point, on my shoulders, I was given a very heavy burden...'family honor'. I was told that it is better to sacrifice one life than five lives. In my mental situation at that time, I felt that my out of wedlock pregnancy has put ashame to the family honor, and I'm responsible to fix it.

I had to make decision quick. I wasn't asked what I thought, I wasn't asked what I wanted to do with the pregnancy, I wasn't given the time to digest, step back and make MY own decision. I wasn't given the time or asked if I wanted to keep the baby, I wasn't asked "what do YOU think YOU should do?", I wasn't even offered help from my own family that they will help me to raise the baby, if I choose to keep the baby. I was left alone, at least that's how I feel right now.

Right now I feel that at that time, I was treated like someone who just screwed up big time with the family honor. I feel like I wasn't treated as a daughter. I feel like at that time, family honor was more important than me, a member of the family. I feel like there was no mercy embracing me when I was at my lowest point. The only way to 'fix' the problem is to get rid of 'it' so nobody will know.

Right now I feel that something important, part of me, what belong to ME, got ripped of and taken away without even asking MY permission. Right now, I feel stupid.

Right now I feel angry, especially to myself. If only I could stand up for myself and for my baby, things would be different. If only I didn't listen to anybody else except me, if only I made MY own decision based on what I think is right, I would still have my baby.

Right now, as I'm learning to know about Our Lord, when the anger comes, I still couldn't believe He let me loose my baby. I couldn't believe that He didn't prevent me from making decisions that cause me losing my baby. I mean if He knows and permits everything to happen, well...see...I told you I have a complicated love relationship with the Lord, or I should say, I'm the one who make things complicated.

Anyway, back to the baby....I started to look for an abortion clinic. I know very well the stage of mind of a girl looking for an abortion. My parents told me something, I had to obey, or at least that;s what I thought I should do at that time.

By the grace of God, and with the help of my sweet Guardian Angel, no, I didn't kill my baby. Still, I had to get rid of 'it'. A friend of mine had distance cousins who were hoping to adopt. I jumped to it without any given thought. Again, I feel stupid, I should have searched more about adoption, I should have known what I want, but I didn't. If only I searched more about adoption, I would have done the adoption a different way so that I could still see my flesh and blood.

Long story short, I gave birth, and put my baby for adoption. Right now, I regretted my decision. After 8 long years with so much anger, I admit: I REGRET MY DECISION.

Don't get me wrong, I think that adoption is a wonderful thing, I'm an adoptive mother myself, I'm longing to adopt again, but in my circumstances, in my story, I think even if I did make the adoption decision, it should have been based on MY OWN decision, not because of the influence from other people. I should have taken the time to think it through about all other things related to adoption.

When the pain comes, and anger flooded my heart, I wonder why at that time, the Lord didn't reveal  to me that I would have a stable family on my own, why He didn't let me learn more about adoption, and let me choose another family for my first born, a family that has flexibility so I'm allowed to see my first born, why He didn't change my first born's adoptive parents' hearts so that I'm able to see the child that I gave birth to, even though only for a short time. I asked to be sent photos couple of times a year instead of once a year, I got rejected. I asked for visits, I got rejected. I asked if I could send small gifts, I got rejected. Why wasn't I thinking about these things before? because I didn't do my homework and learn more about adoption, it was too late.

When the pain comes, ripping my chest, I ask these questions: Why the Lord didn't let me see my first born? what kind of healing He has in mind? Why I was so stupid at that time? I'm struggling to forgive myself for being so stupid, and now, the more I know the Lord, the more I will blame Him for not revealing those things to me. If He loves me even though I sinned, He should have revealed those things to me.

Well, Theresa and I are learning, in religion class, that only bad things come from sins. Sins bring troubles and pain here and there. God didn't and doesn't cause my anger and my pain. The anger and pain I'm feeling right now are caused by sins that I choose to commit. My situation of not being able to see my first born doesn't cause by God, it was caused by the sins I committed. Surely God will be able to make things better in an instant, He could have allowed me to see my birth child right at this minute if He wants me too, but I guess that is not His plan for me. I have to learn to accept His plan, I'm dragging to accept and say 'Yes'. I'm struggling to say the fiat with a smile.


Now, I can't change things that has happened. If only... could have...should have...would have....will not change a thing. I know this in my mind, but in my heart...that's a different story.

I have been living in anger for 8 years, but I think that the Lord, slowly and surely, is showing me what my problem is...I haven't got a time to grieve. I was too proud to admit that I'm broken. I was too proud to admit that things are not okay. I've been pretending that everything is okay.

Very slowly and surely, I'm learning to admit that I'm angry, that things are not okay, that I'm broken, that I'm struggling to accept that God allowed things happened to me for His own plans, that He still loves me no matter what, He still loves me even though He didn't reveal everything to me at that time, and He still loves me even though He doesn't allow me to see my birth child (a very strange way to show love, I must say).

Right now, I have to live with whatever consequences, because of the decisions I made regardless.

I have to start to forgive MYSELF. I need to heal my own wound in order to forgive other people and to accept all the consequences, such as being separated from my own flesh and blood.

The Lord gave me a wonderful companion, though, my DH. The first time we started dating, he knew about my situation. He has been my rock and shoulders to cry on when the pain is too much.

Often time, when the pain comes, I tell him that I choose the wrong family for my first born...and he shut my mouth with his words "for you...it might be a mistake, but for God...it is the right family, are you saying that God made mistakes?" Although I would love to argue this, I know in my mind that he is right, now...in my heart, that's a different story, I need a lot more graces.

The Lord also allowed me to be an adoptive mother for our son and plant desires for us to adopt again, maybe, through my own painful experiences, I am asked to show more compassion to other birth mothers as I am one myself too. I'm asked to treat our son's birth mother with love, the same way I wished to be treated as a birth mother. Through my experience, I'm learning the importance for being flexible in the adoption world, because flexibility will help to heal the wound.

I'm allowed to see things from an adoptive mother's point of view as I am one too, so when I start blaming my birth child's adoptive parents, I'm reminded as an adoptive parent myself, and try very very hard to be compassionate to them...*SIGH*

My root sin is pride, and I have a long way to go, to learn to accept this life I live. I have a long way to learn about forgiveness and humility. Right now, I'm just an unforgiving, angry, and broken soul..with other ugly things in between.

Sometimes I'm wondering if the Lord will ever take this pain away. Maybe He enjoys me being crippled as it is His own delight to carry me all over on His own shoulders.

I'm praying as I'm pushing the publish button, His name will be glorified.