Monday, August 13, 2012

Through the pains...

Today, on our son's birthday, I was brought back to a journey that bring us to our son. The journey and story that The Good Lord wrote Himself especially for our family.

Every year leading to his birthday is like a special mini retreat between The Lord and me, just the two of us. My mind flew to this one special lady who because of her ultimate sacrifice I'm able to have a son and celebrate his birthday year after year after year.....

I'm looking forward to the day when I can share his beautiful story. I'm praying that one day soon he'll be able to get to know this lady who gave him life, who gave birth to him, who loves him more than enough to let him go to my arms. I hope that day will come soon because I long to see them together.

By the grace of God, I was allowed to experienced two kinds of labor pain. A physical labor pain, and a spiritual labor pain. They are both painful in a different way, but both are beautiful pains. When a woman in physical labor pain, she'll know that the pain will stop when she has her baby in her arms, and she is able to love her newborn baby.

Spiritual labor pain is different. A woman won't know when the pain will stop, she won't know whether after all the pain she is able to hold the baby in her arms or not. She won't know whether the pain will give her joy or grieve and more pain...a pain of loss.She loves this baby just the same as the woman who gave birth to him. Two women with mothers' hearts.

July 20th 2009, The Good Lord started my spiritual labor pain when a young mother chose us to parent her baby boy who would be born on August 13th 2009. I prayed for this baby boy whom I never knew yet my heart was full of love for him. I was scared to hope, I was scared not to hope. I threw myself daily at the mercy of the Divine Grace. The Eucharist and Rosary of Sorrowful Mystery were my only companion, were my only consolation, if there was any.

August 13th 2009, we received an e-mail that a healthy baby boy was born. The pain didn't stop. The Divine Physician decided to put us in limbo. He increased my pain. Pride is my root sin. Control is my other name. So being in limbo and not having any control over things will be such an agony for me. That day, I became a wiggly worm, tried to fight all the pains that I experienced. The more I fought, the more painful it became.

He didn't cave in. He tripled the pain to a point where I sobbed and wept We didn't know when the pain would stop. There were days that seemed hopeful only to found out that our hearts would be crushed into even smaller pieces.

The Divine Physician was oh so gentle. He never left me alone. He gave me His bestest nurse, His own mother. This Mother of mine, since she is a mother herself, knows exactly the pain and agony I experienced. I wept on her lap every day, and I knew her gentle hands stroked my hair gently while saying "Do whatever He tells you" Now I'm sure that last time she smiled gently at my foolishness of trying to fight the pain. Through the graces she obtained for me, I learn to surrender, I learn to embrace the pains, to...enjoy the pains.

My personal Divine Physician poured out His graces, not to take away the pain, but to give me strength to keep walking every day in the pain. He gave me beautiful warriors who prayed for our family. He allowed me to wait...and cry, and wait...and cry, and wait....and cry....

Through the pain, He taught me a lot...
He taught me that my pain was nothing compare to this young mother who loves this baby boy and was with him for nine months. My heart broke for her and hurt for her.
He drew me closer to Him
He taught me how to pray
He taught me how to have faith
He drew me to a deep meditation on Sorrowful mystery and really take part in His own suffering.
He taught me that it is okay to be scared, to be angry at Him.
He taught me how to open my heart and let Him see all the emotions I had,
to be as vulnerable as I was supposed to be, that I didn't have to pretend to be strong.

I never thought I would say this, but I'm sure glad for those pains. My children love to sit in front of the computer flipping though our family photos telling story about our family lives.

Once a year, The Good Lord allows me to flip this memory of pains that He gave me. The pains remind me how gentle He was and still is. The pains remind me all the wondrous work He is able to do.

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