Keeping my focus

The new school year has started. Theresa will be in 1st grade (yikes, has it been really 6 years?). We have started school here and there just to get the feel out of it, especially for me. This will be my first year home-schooling with a toddler and a baby, and I must say that it has been very interesting and challenging.DH has been busy with his teachings, grading, and other stuff related to his work.

These past few days, The Holy Spirit has been pulling me to one story from the Bible. It is the story where the disciples saw Jesus approaching their boat, in the middle of the ocean, by walking on the water. Peter, who always speak without thinking (I found out that he is a choleric), asked Jesus to call him because he wanted to walk on the water too. Jesus did call Peter, and he walked on the water toward Our Lord. While Peter was walking, the big wind blew, Peter was scared. He started to lose his focus on Christ, that's when he started sinking.

This story reminded me how I should keep my focus on Christ alone. My life will be busy with schooling and other things. There will be worries, starting from financial situation, mortgages, etc. The storm of life will start to shake me and I will start to sink, if I don't have my eyes fixed upon The Good Lord. At the same time, I'm comforted knowing that The Lord will always stay close by me. I know when I do 'sink' I can just quickly call out His name, and His hands will pull me out in no time, just like He pulled Peter when he started sinking and call out for Him.

I have to start disciplining myself to make prayers my priorities through out the day, in order to keep my sanity. During the home-schooling conference this past summer, a Carmelite nun said that if we are too busy to pray, we are busier than what The Lord intended us to be.

A dear holy priest once told me to keep my eyes upon the crucifix where I can draw all the strengths I need. Gazing at the crucifix, I can learn all the virtues from The Creator Himself, especially humility and charity, the virtues that I really need to learn the most.

So, what have we been learning so far?

Art

If you give Gerard some paint....

Making pizza for lunch

Making pie dough

Science

Geography

When the artists need a bigger paper

Showing off her cursive writing

Thinking hard during Math test. She loves tests and can become giddy. I hope the excitement will last until High School

....

Well, I was debating whether or not I should reveal the kiddos' names in this blog, then I realize, I can just use their baptism names. I never call them by their baptism name, and those are beautiful names, the names of the Saints. So...here they are

Meet Theresa

Meet Gerard

 

 Meet Maria

 

Ever since Gerard's adoption, there's this tug to start another adoption process again. It is something that is very dear to my heart. If it was up to me, I'd have filled out the applications and start the process.

Of course, I'm learning to let my DH to lead, trying to be a good and obedient wife, I mentioned this desire of mine to DH and asked him to think and pray about it.

Well, the good news is that he agrees to adopt again (YAY!!) the bad news is that he decided that we should wait, at least until our house in MS sell. Being a great and responsible provider he is, DH just have to make sure that his family has enough food to eat.

So, we wait ( I never like waiting, but again seems like our Lord knows that by keeping me waiting, I'll practice the virtue of patience) while I have this pile of names of different adoption agencies in my list..haha...

In the mean time, I'll continue to wait and say a novena, so our house in MS will sell, not only that we are able to adopt again, but also it will be so much better to get rid of that mortgage in MS.

Oh well....

Our fridge broke. We bought a house with a broken fridge. We moved into a new house that came with a fridge, and guess what? a month after we moved, the fridge decided that it's time for him to sleep for good.

Well, now we just have to hunt for a new fridge which is not a good situation since our financial budget is already so tight, but we need this thing called the fridge.

On a good side, this momma has a reason for taking a break from cooking..haha..no cooking, means no pots and pans and dirty dish to wash. Oh..and the house doesn't come with a dishwasher, either, beggars can't be choosers, as my DH will say. So..ever since we moved, I've been washing dishes by hands. It's time to train my oldest how to wash the dishes I guess.

Next time if we buy another house (which DH will say "not for another 20 years"), I'll make sure to find out how old the fridge is...Oh well...what a bummer :((

I'm learning how to be angry with trust

I never know that I should learn how to be angry, but angry with trust. Growing up, I was taught that I have to do good, so other people will do good to me. If other people do something good for me, I have to repay them by doing something good for them. This teaching has caused me to feel bad for being angry at my parents. They are my parents after all, who raised me, paid for everything I need growing up, it would be so ungrateful if I'm angry at them. I owe them my life. They are great parents.

This perception has effected my relationship with God, my creator. I have learn and I'm still learning, that He loves me, no matter what. I don't have to do good things just to make Him loves me, even if I make mistakes, He will still love me just the same. I don't have to prove myself just to make Him give what I want. That's what I did, sometimes I still do, trying to manipulate my God. I have to keep reminding my self about this fact, that God loves me, and I don't have to prove myself, He loves me just the way I am.

Thanks to my Spiritual Director, she told me that it's okay to be angry at God, and I don't have to worry that He will get upset or stop providing me with what I need. He is the God of love. I have to learn to trust Him, and trusting His love for me, His love will never change. It does make sense though, He loves me to approach Him just the way I am even with my anger. If there's someone who can take my anger, that will be Him. After all, He created me with all my emotions. How can He heal me, heal my anger if I don't let Him, if I keep clinging to it?

I have this ugly monster in me called anger. Anger has been sleeping nice and quite (most of the time) for almost 8 years. Once in a while the Good Lord let or allow for the wound to open and  I can feel the pain ripping my chest, fresh and new as if it was like yesterday. The wound is so deep that when it hurts, I will start feeling this anger toward God, my parents, and myself, then it will be a great struggle for me to throw myself at His mercy, because I can feel Satan is trying to keep me from going to my God in my anger. I'm learning that every time the anger arises, I have to bring my anger to the light, I have to admit that I'm angry toward God, so Satan can't use it any more. Is this how He heals me? I don't know...How long will it take for me to heal? soon..I hope (it's been almost 8 years) or maybe He won't allow it to heal so He can use it to draw me closer to Him, I don't know.... but I know He is a great physician, I just need to trust Him, although often I have to repeat this "Lord, I do believe, help my unbelieve"

I'm praying...

I'm seeking for God's guidance. There is this heavy thing in me heart that I feel the need to write. However, the wound hasn't healed yet, not even close. Why would He want me to write something that hasn't healed yet? 

Is this what He wants for His glory? or is it Satan who is trying to deceive me into falling to a pit of self pity or pride?well...back to invoking The Holy Spirit's guidance then...

My heart hurts...

I have to be honest, I enjoy reading adoption blogs. I enjoy reading the families being reunited with their children. Domestic adoption is holding a special place in my heart. When I read that a new family is welcoming their newborn baby through the miracle of domestic adoption, I'm rejoicing with the new family, but at the same time, my heart hurts. My heart is grieving for the birth mother. When I see the smile of new parents holding their new baby, my thought turns to the baby's birth mother and hoping that her heart will heal soon, and how I wish I could balm that tender heart that is broken into pieces. May the Good Lord give the birth mother peace over the decision that she made warm-heartedly.

My baby boy is two..

My son will be two in less than 24 hours. How did this happen? where did the time go? He is growing up so fast..("that's good" is what DH will say)

On his birthday, I remember his birth mother. I'm wondering what she's thinking, is she remembering the time when she brought this precious life into this world. I'm thankful for this special lady each and every day. I'm thankful for her to choose life for this little life, I'm thankful that she was able to hold Mr.C on the first few days of his life. It would be a great story for Mr. C on his birthday to find out the love and sacrifices that his birth mother have for him. I'm thankful for being able to be Mr. C's mommy because of this special lady.

At the same time, my heart is breaking for her. My heart is breaking because she can't celebrate Mr.C's birthday with us. My heart is breaking because her heart is breaking. I'm praying that The Lord will heal this special lady's heart as well as my heart.

Five Loaves and Two Fish

Father's homily this past Sunday was so great, well, at least for me personally. What he said was hitting home. The Gospel was about Our Dear Lord fed the multitude with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, and somehow...well, we all know the story.

Father mentioned that often times when we are told to list all the gifts and weaknesses that we have, somehow the list of weaknesses is longer than the list of the gifts. More often than not, we don't realize that the weaknesses The Lord gives us can be viewed as His gifts too. We're often too concern with what we don't have, we're too concern with our weaknesses. The Lord gives the right amount of gifts to each of us to get to heaven,and He gives the right amount of blessings to make us happy, not one less and not one more. The Lord gives us weaknesses, so that we can turn to Him always. If we could do everything on our own, if we didn't have any weaknesses, we wouldn't turn to Him.

Well, this homily somehow was The Lord's answer to my whining. We moved up to Iowa about a year ago and I'm still having a hard time adjusting with our new life. This town is wonderful, a perfect place to raise a family, but it takes time for me to make it a home. DH likes it here. He loves his new job. I'm keeping my eyes toward my Blessed Mother to teach me to trust my husband, to let him lead this family the way St. Joseph led the Holy Family. It is hard, I have no idea how she could do it.

In Mississippi, we had a wonderful parish, with a holy priest. We know so many wonderful families, homeschooling families who are in the same boat with us journeying to heaven. I had my routine with The Lord in Holy Hour on Mondays, I'll just say that it was my comfort zone. I thought I had everything I need to be a Saint, after all that's what The Lord wants right? to make me a Saint.

Then suddenly, He took our family out of our comfort zone, My comfort zone, and He placed us here, in the middle of nowhere. Why? I don't know..no Holy Hour, no Catholic homeschooling group close by, no prayer group, nothing. I cried, wanting to go back to Mississippi. I whined, asking The Lord 'How can I be a Saint if I didn't have what I had in Mississippi?' where's my support? where are my friends?just like St. Francis and St. Clare, hand in hand in their journey to sainthood.

Then I read the story about St. Matilda and her love of the Gospel and Mass. I realized that I have all that I need, even here in Iowa....Mass, Gospel, and my family. All I need is to seek His Kingdom. It doesn't matter where, He'll provide the rest. Just like 5 loaves and 2 fish were presented to The Lord and He blessed them and made them abundant, I have to do the same. I have to present to Him everything that I have, and He'll do the rest. I keep reminding myself that this might be a new cross that He gives me. I realize that I might cling too much on what I had in Mississippi that I forgot about The Lord, whom I'm supposed to cling to. Just like father said in his homily, The Lord gives me blessings and gifts at the right amount to get me to heaven, not one less and not one more. I'm learning how to be grateful with my weaknesses, because His graces will suffice.