While I was pregnant, I mentioned to the couple that I wished to receive photos and updates once a year. I sensed that they were a little bit surprise by my request. I think at that time the Holy Spirit gave me this idea. I'm glad for this, because I have no idea what it would have been if I didn't ask. They told me that they need to talk about it first, they agreed, and they have kept their promise ever since, and for that, I'm grateful. The first year, they even sent me photos and updates every three months.
Of course I'm just a never-satisfied creature. Couple of months after placement, I missed my baby terribly. I started to think that maybe once a year update and photos won't be enough. I wrote to them and asked them if they're willing to send me photos and update couple of times a year. They denied my idea and they said that once a year update is best for their family. Of course I have to obliged since I signed off my parenting right.
I'm grateful that they're keeping their promise, although by law they don't have to, but at the same time I can't deny this strong longing to see more of her photos and updates. Really....12 photos (max) and a two pages letter a year is not enough for this momma. My child for sure is doing more activities than those 12 photos.
I snapped dozens of photos of Gerard for his birth mother. DH said that some of the photos are just the same, I said 'no, look, he is tilting his head a little bit in this one'. I feel so annoyed that I only receive few photos of my child that I took lots and lots of photos of Gerard and send everything to his birth mother because I know that receiveing lots of photos meant a lot to me. I quickly worked my calendar and be available as soon as she expressed her desire to see Gerard.
When I was pregnant, they would call me couple of times a month, just to say 'hi'. I thought it was nice. The wife is a second cousin of my friend whom I know well, so I treated the couple as an extended family too. I gave them the hospital bracelet, I let them to visit me at my apartment to hold the baby (yes, I took the baby home with me for couple of days). Now....well...
Your see...before they adopted my baby, they've already adopted a little girl. She was four when my baby was born. When I placed my desired to receive updates once a year, they mentioned that they need to talk about it since they know little about the birth mother of their first child. Maybe they don't even have contact with her birth family.
I sensed that they want to be 'fair' to both of their children. I feel that they might feel 'unfair' to the first child if they let their second child to have contact and relationship with me while the other daughter not. I express my desired to be able to hug my child (visit), they denied, and they assured me that they'll support fully for my child to have a relationship with me as an adult. From that statement, I assume that they're planning to tell the girls the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth when they reach adulthood.
Well, I think that adoption is a very complex thing. So many things involved in adoption. First and foremost is the grief, feeling of rejection. It's like..you only have so much space in your brain and your heart, and by the time you're...say..18...boom...'here's all the fact about your adoption'. I feel that if the child is introduced at the early age to the birth mother (if the birth mother wishes to do so and if she is known) or about adoption, hopefully the child knows how much the birth mother loves him at an early age. If there are visits, the meeting between the child and his birth mother becomes a ..how to say...habit?...regular?...a way of life?..I can't find the right word. The point is that the child will feel that 'my birth mother does care because she still wants to see me and wants to know me.' or at ;east when the child hears over and over again about his birth mother since an early age, it won't be a strange concept for him. Instead of 'where has she been for all these 18 years?' 'she must not love me'
Maybe these consideration made my child's adoptive parents decided to wait until adulthood with the hope that they'll be able to receive the news better, especially for their first child.
While I'm trying to understand, but I feel that it's not fair for my child. It still hurt being denied a relationship with your child at her early age. Each child has different story. My child's story is different from her sibling. The adoptive family still visit my friend and her family. My friend is able to see my child at least once a year. It's like, everybody knows about me, her birth mother, except the child herself. Now, every time my friend see the family, she'll call me and give me 'secret report'.
I asked DH if I should try again to ask them to increase the frequency of photos. DH said that I asked once (although it was 8 years ago) and is denied. He's worried that if I ask again they'll even stop altogether the once a year very min update that I have. I don't think I can handle being denied anymore. I guess I'll just wait for whatever The Lord wants me to do on this one. In the mean time, I have to learn to accept that once a year update it is. I'll just see that this once a year update is what the Lord allows me to have...uuurrrggghhhh....I wished I learn more about this family and I wish I learn more about adoption, and I wish this family could be flexible
So many questions running through my mind..do they even tell her that she is adopted or they'll wait till she an adult ? If they don't tell her, it's so heartbreaking to let a child believes that she was born to them while the truth is she is my flesh and blood. If they do tell her, what will they answer be if she asks about me? will they lie?
How would my child feel when she knows that everybody knows about me, even her parents' second cousin, whom she meets regularly and in fact is talking with her birth mother occasionally on the phone? Would she feel that I don't try to have contact with her? How should I answer when my child asks me why I don't try to contact her and see her?
This situation of not being able to have an early relationship helps me to see how to be 'fair' with Gerard, especially when we're adopting another child. If we have the situation like this, each child will know their own story from an early age no matter how hard it is (of course it will be given little by little according to the age), and I will be there crying and hurting with them. Each child will be able to have a relationship with their birth mothers if the birth mothers wish to do so.
It is true that my job as their mom is to protect them. Oh.. how my heart will break into pieces for them, but at the same time, I think letting them know their stories at an early age will help them as children's hearts and mind are easier to mend and balm. They are all my children, biological or adopted, and I love them all the same, I'll die for them, but I wouldn't hide one's child story in order to 'protect' another, it will be painful for me as a mother, but it is necessary.
It will be a learning lesson for everybody to love one's neighbor. To learn to rejoice for the other's good fortune instead of being envy and jealous. To learn to accept God's story for each of us. Well..first thing first I guess..I have to learn to accept God's story for me.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
"Do not be afraid, just have faith" (Mark 5: 21-43)
I've been having these gloomy episodes. Often times they comes while I'm washing dishes, like this morning. We don't have a dishwasher, so every morning I have to stand for couple of minutes scrubbing pots and pans and other stuff.
It was terrible (not the washing dish part). So much anger, what ifs, regrets, etc. It was ugly. I could feel this anger from my wound, fresh and new as if it was from yesterday. I could hear my kiddos' voices and cries, but I felt that I wasn't there. I allowed my self to be drawn to this anger and I dwell in it.
I'm about to start a journey, at least that's what I understood. A journey of healing. I know that in my head, letting go is the right thing to do. However, knowing and to actually living it are two different things. I'm still holding back, unintentionally...I think. My weaknesses, pride, and controlling nature have made it difficult for me to just 'let go'.
The enemy is also striking again and again and again. Satan knows that I'm about to start a journey, and he just never and can't leave me alone. There are times that I feel that I'm being presented over and over again with the scenes from my past, the what ifs, and all those questions that trigger my anger, pain, regret and other ugly stuff.
There were times like this morning, and there will be times that I'm being pulled into my anger zone that makes me have to force myself to crawl out and with a great effort, to throw myself in His mercy. There are times that I feel so angry because I don't feel I'm being treated fairly by my kid's adoptive parents after the way I treat them. I'm angry because I feel that my child's right to know me is denied. Then again...what can I do? nothing...so it's even pointless to feel angry about it. There are times that I think "Maybe I should ask again for them to send me more photos, after all, it was 8 years ago, the last time I asked".
Often times I feel that I can't do this, who cares about 'living in the present moment' advice, the anger and pain just comes again and again and again. Our Lord answered me....
Couple of days ago, during my meditation, I read a story about Our Lord, who was about to get on the boat and sail. He told His disciples "Let us go to the other side". When they were in the middle of the sea, there was a bad storm, terrible wind and rain, the disciples were so afraid, and Our Lord was sleeping. They woke Him up, scared to death, and The Lord calmed the storm while questioning His beloved disciples' faith.
Call me crazy, but I feel that it is His personal invitation to me. He looked at me and told me "Let us go to the other side". Right now I'm on the side of my past, full of sadness, wounds, anger caused by my sins. He is inviting me to get on the boat to other side. Now, of course the journey won't be pretty. There will be doubts, anger, pain, and those ugly things, but I have to keep asking Our Lord to increase my faith, that no matter what, He is with me. I need to trust Him. He might be 'sleeping', but He is in the same boat with me. It might be journey for a lifetime, though. I'm scared of this journey because I know that I will fall so many times, but I know this journey is important because I need to love.Urrrggghhh...I don't like this journey :(
Another day, I also read the story about Our Lord, who was on His way to cure this dying young child. A woman who suffered from hemorrhage touched His cloth and immediately healed. All because of her faith. The dying child died when Our Lord arrived, but He said "Do not be afraid, just have faith" and another miracle happened. There you go, He told me to have faith.
I mentioned before that often times I feel that I treated the adoptive family just like my extended family when I was pregnant. Now, I feel that they don't want or want minimum contact with me. I feel unappreciated. Well....He answered me again. During our family Holy Hour, I grabbed this small booklet. It is a small collection of Our Lord's conversation with St. Faustina taken from her diary. I told Him about how I feel...then my eyes laid on this particular conversation..it turns out that this beloved Saint had the same problem too...feeling unappreciated. Our Lord spoke to me directly through this writing saying that I feel the way I'm feeling because I rely on people to make me feel satisfied and appreciated. I put my hope at the wrong place.
It's funny how the more you teach the more you'll learn. Well, in our religion class, we were learning about The Station. We read about how the disciples fell asleep even though Our Lord told them to watch and pray. In a simple language, the book explained that Our Lord told His disciples that they'll sin if they don't watch and pray, and He was right, they all ran away because they were weak and scared.
I have to train myself to be alert all the time. I can't control the feelings. When the anger comes ...and it will come, I have to be able to quickly say a little prayer, begging for mercy, and not dwelling in anger. Of course, as usual, it is easier said than done. A dear holy priest told me that feeling angry is not a sin, what makes it a sin is when I act in a wrong way or when I dwell in this anger. I have to learn to recognize when the anger is about to come. Watch and pray, asking for strength and courage.
I found these quotes,
E
Extraordinary afflictions are not always the punishment of extraordinary sins, but sometimes the trial of extraordinary graces.
It was terrible (not the washing dish part). So much anger, what ifs, regrets, etc. It was ugly. I could feel this anger from my wound, fresh and new as if it was from yesterday. I could hear my kiddos' voices and cries, but I felt that I wasn't there. I allowed my self to be drawn to this anger and I dwell in it.
I'm about to start a journey, at least that's what I understood. A journey of healing. I know that in my head, letting go is the right thing to do. However, knowing and to actually living it are two different things. I'm still holding back, unintentionally...I think. My weaknesses, pride, and controlling nature have made it difficult for me to just 'let go'.
The enemy is also striking again and again and again. Satan knows that I'm about to start a journey, and he just never and can't leave me alone. There are times that I feel that I'm being presented over and over again with the scenes from my past, the what ifs, and all those questions that trigger my anger, pain, regret and other ugly stuff.
There were times like this morning, and there will be times that I'm being pulled into my anger zone that makes me have to force myself to crawl out and with a great effort, to throw myself in His mercy. There are times that I feel so angry because I don't feel I'm being treated fairly by my kid's adoptive parents after the way I treat them. I'm angry because I feel that my child's right to know me is denied. Then again...what can I do? nothing...so it's even pointless to feel angry about it. There are times that I think "Maybe I should ask again for them to send me more photos, after all, it was 8 years ago, the last time I asked".
Often times I feel that I can't do this, who cares about 'living in the present moment' advice, the anger and pain just comes again and again and again. Our Lord answered me....
Couple of days ago, during my meditation, I read a story about Our Lord, who was about to get on the boat and sail. He told His disciples "Let us go to the other side". When they were in the middle of the sea, there was a bad storm, terrible wind and rain, the disciples were so afraid, and Our Lord was sleeping. They woke Him up, scared to death, and The Lord calmed the storm while questioning His beloved disciples' faith.
Call me crazy, but I feel that it is His personal invitation to me. He looked at me and told me "Let us go to the other side". Right now I'm on the side of my past, full of sadness, wounds, anger caused by my sins. He is inviting me to get on the boat to other side. Now, of course the journey won't be pretty. There will be doubts, anger, pain, and those ugly things, but I have to keep asking Our Lord to increase my faith, that no matter what, He is with me. I need to trust Him. He might be 'sleeping', but He is in the same boat with me. It might be journey for a lifetime, though. I'm scared of this journey because I know that I will fall so many times, but I know this journey is important because I need to love.Urrrggghhh...I don't like this journey :(
Another day, I also read the story about Our Lord, who was on His way to cure this dying young child. A woman who suffered from hemorrhage touched His cloth and immediately healed. All because of her faith. The dying child died when Our Lord arrived, but He said "Do not be afraid, just have faith" and another miracle happened. There you go, He told me to have faith.
I mentioned before that often times I feel that I treated the adoptive family just like my extended family when I was pregnant. Now, I feel that they don't want or want minimum contact with me. I feel unappreciated. Well....He answered me again. During our family Holy Hour, I grabbed this small booklet. It is a small collection of Our Lord's conversation with St. Faustina taken from her diary. I told Him about how I feel...then my eyes laid on this particular conversation..it turns out that this beloved Saint had the same problem too...feeling unappreciated. Our Lord spoke to me directly through this writing saying that I feel the way I'm feeling because I rely on people to make me feel satisfied and appreciated. I put my hope at the wrong place.
It's funny how the more you teach the more you'll learn. Well, in our religion class, we were learning about The Station. We read about how the disciples fell asleep even though Our Lord told them to watch and pray. In a simple language, the book explained that Our Lord told His disciples that they'll sin if they don't watch and pray, and He was right, they all ran away because they were weak and scared.
I have to train myself to be alert all the time. I can't control the feelings. When the anger comes ...and it will come, I have to be able to quickly say a little prayer, begging for mercy, and not dwelling in anger. Of course, as usual, it is easier said than done. A dear holy priest told me that feeling angry is not a sin, what makes it a sin is when I act in a wrong way or when I dwell in this anger. I have to learn to recognize when the anger is about to come. Watch and pray, asking for strength and courage.
I found these quotes,
E
Extraordinary afflictions are not always the punishment of extraordinary sins, but sometimes the trial of extraordinary graces.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Thing one and thing two...oh well...couple of things actually
First of all, thank you so much for kind words and prayers. I really appreciate all of them.
Here are few things:
1. We might have a prospective renter who is thinking to sign the contract for two years. We still hope to sell our house down in the south, but since the market is still really bad, well, we'll just have to be grateful whatever The Lord gave us. Beggars can't be choosers.
2. Our school is doing fine, we're busy building miniature Stations of The Cross grotto for our Lent activities on Fridays. I hope it will be done by Lent. We still need to make some ornaments for our Jesus' Tree as our Easter count down. I found this idea here. I also need to make Lent Calendar, check out here or here.
I really hope we can finish school on time, if not...oh well...the joy of homeschooling is that we have to be flexible, just because life happens.
3. After 2 years, I finally back to charting again. It's kind of weird, but I guess it's like learning how to ride on a bicycle again.
4. DH and I..well...actually more to DH, decided that he will reevaluate our plan to adopt at the end of summer. Hopefully with this renter, it will help our finance so that we can pursue adoption...why can't money grow in a tree? We talked a lot about our next adoption. We both feel that we need to widen our age preference a little wider, 0-12 months. We both feel that it's time to pray about minor special need infants, preemie, and see where The Lord will lead us.
5. I'm having a hard time in my healing process, but I think that deserve another post.
Here are few things:
1. We might have a prospective renter who is thinking to sign the contract for two years. We still hope to sell our house down in the south, but since the market is still really bad, well, we'll just have to be grateful whatever The Lord gave us. Beggars can't be choosers.
2. Our school is doing fine, we're busy building miniature Stations of The Cross grotto for our Lent activities on Fridays. I hope it will be done by Lent. We still need to make some ornaments for our Jesus' Tree as our Easter count down. I found this idea here. I also need to make Lent Calendar, check out here or here.
I really hope we can finish school on time, if not...oh well...the joy of homeschooling is that we have to be flexible, just because life happens.
3. After 2 years, I finally back to charting again. It's kind of weird, but I guess it's like learning how to ride on a bicycle again.
4. DH and I..well...actually more to DH, decided that he will reevaluate our plan to adopt at the end of summer. Hopefully with this renter, it will help our finance so that we can pursue adoption...why can't money grow in a tree? We talked a lot about our next adoption. We both feel that we need to widen our age preference a little wider, 0-12 months. We both feel that it's time to pray about minor special need infants, preemie, and see where The Lord will lead us.
5. I'm having a hard time in my healing process, but I think that deserve another post.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Knowing when to let go....
This past few weeks, after I wrote my confession, looks like the Holy Spirit presented me with readings and led my meditation to this issue. I saw thise meditation guide a point where it said "Knowing when to let go..." within seconds, as soon as I laid my eyes on this point, My thought was brought to my pain. At first, I thought it was just a one time thingy, but over and over, different readings, but still relevant, and my mind was always brought to this "Let Go!".
Now, for the past eight years, I've been clinging to my anger, unforgiveness, pain,regrets, etc. I've been clinging to my first born, my birth child. I'm scared to let go, because if I let go, I feel that I don't love this child.
The very first reading was about John the Baptist. In this story, when he was baptizing, he spotted Our Lord, then he made this proclamation "Behold the Lamb of God", and immediately, the two of John the Baptist's disciples, John and Andrew left John the Baptist, and followed Our Lord.
John the Baptist was LETTING GO these two disciples of his, whom he loved so dearly I'm sure. Why? because John the Baptist knew and trusted Our Lord that these two disciples will have better use when his disciples followed Him, instead of staying back with John the Baptist. John the Baptist didn't hold back. John, Our Lord's dearest disciple, wouldn't write the Gospel and book of Revelation if he didn't follow Christ. Andrew wouldn't introduce his brother, Simon Peter, if he stayed back. I'm sure that John the Baptist was sad and heartbroken, but he trusted Our Lord.
The Holy Spirit also guided me in my meditation on the reading when Our Lord was explaining about having a new wineskin if you want to pour a new wine. You don't pour a new wine to and old wineskin. A new wine must be poured into a new wineskin.
Then I read about how a leper approach Our Lord and ask Him that if He choose, He can make this leper clean, free from leper. Our Lord, of course, being pushed on His weakest point, which is the faith of this leper, immediately cured him.
The Holy Spirit hasn't finished with me yet. I watched a clip of Mother Angelica, on how she's explaining about living in the present moment. Mother explain that most people keep reliving the past. She said that the past is dead, the future is not yet born.
So, as afraid as I am to say it out loud...I'm so scared to even think about it, but the Holy Spirit keeps bugging me to admit that it's time to let go. I need to let go, everything, my past, because it's already dead. It will stink me up if I keep holding on to it. I did what I could do to be able to see my first born, to have an open adoption relationship. I don't think I want to jeopardize the very few photos and letter that I receive once a year. Not because I don't love this dear child, but because I have to trust Our Lord that He Himself has a plan for this child.
He Himself, through the sin I chose to commit, chose a family for this child, and He will use this dear child of His for His own plan. Nothing I can do now accept to let go. I'm still the birth mother of this dearest, nothing can change that. The Lord knows the fear I'm feeling, the longing, the pain, everything, He knows. I know that He would ease everything if He wants to, but it is not His plan.
Through the pain I feel caused by my sins, like Mother Angelica said, my Father carefully thought about me, and stamped this cross lovingly with my name on it. He trusts me to bear this cross like the daughter of a King. So bearing this cross I will. John the Baptist let go, I must do the same.
I consecrated my first born to Our Blessed Mother, since I won't be there to watch my birth child growing up, at least she will. I figured that Our Blessed Mother will be the perfect person to watch over this child.
By letting go, I'm able to have a 'new wineskin' where Our Lord will be able to pour 'new wine' in me. By letting go, I'm able to live in a present moment.
I'm a leper now. the leper in Our Lord's time was a 'prisoner' of this disease, I'm a prisoner in my longing, pain, anger, etc. I need to be freed from this anger, so that I can love freely. I need to keep approaching Our Lord and say the exact word "Lord, if You choose, You can cure me", and bearing my cross as He carried His once. I don't need to worry about the direction, all I need to do is to follow.
I need to be whole again. I need to let go. The question is...How? I HAVE NO IDEA!! but I'm sure Our Lord knows. Well, at least I've admitted the need to let go, that's the big step...haha..
Now, for the past eight years, I've been clinging to my anger, unforgiveness, pain,regrets, etc. I've been clinging to my first born, my birth child. I'm scared to let go, because if I let go, I feel that I don't love this child.
The very first reading was about John the Baptist. In this story, when he was baptizing, he spotted Our Lord, then he made this proclamation "Behold the Lamb of God", and immediately, the two of John the Baptist's disciples, John and Andrew left John the Baptist, and followed Our Lord.
John the Baptist was LETTING GO these two disciples of his, whom he loved so dearly I'm sure. Why? because John the Baptist knew and trusted Our Lord that these two disciples will have better use when his disciples followed Him, instead of staying back with John the Baptist. John the Baptist didn't hold back. John, Our Lord's dearest disciple, wouldn't write the Gospel and book of Revelation if he didn't follow Christ. Andrew wouldn't introduce his brother, Simon Peter, if he stayed back. I'm sure that John the Baptist was sad and heartbroken, but he trusted Our Lord.
The Holy Spirit also guided me in my meditation on the reading when Our Lord was explaining about having a new wineskin if you want to pour a new wine. You don't pour a new wine to and old wineskin. A new wine must be poured into a new wineskin.
Then I read about how a leper approach Our Lord and ask Him that if He choose, He can make this leper clean, free from leper. Our Lord, of course, being pushed on His weakest point, which is the faith of this leper, immediately cured him.
The Holy Spirit hasn't finished with me yet. I watched a clip of Mother Angelica, on how she's explaining about living in the present moment. Mother explain that most people keep reliving the past. She said that the past is dead, the future is not yet born.
So, as afraid as I am to say it out loud...I'm so scared to even think about it, but the Holy Spirit keeps bugging me to admit that it's time to let go. I need to let go, everything, my past, because it's already dead. It will stink me up if I keep holding on to it. I did what I could do to be able to see my first born, to have an open adoption relationship. I don't think I want to jeopardize the very few photos and letter that I receive once a year. Not because I don't love this dear child, but because I have to trust Our Lord that He Himself has a plan for this child.
He Himself, through the sin I chose to commit, chose a family for this child, and He will use this dear child of His for His own plan. Nothing I can do now accept to let go. I'm still the birth mother of this dearest, nothing can change that. The Lord knows the fear I'm feeling, the longing, the pain, everything, He knows. I know that He would ease everything if He wants to, but it is not His plan.
Through the pain I feel caused by my sins, like Mother Angelica said, my Father carefully thought about me, and stamped this cross lovingly with my name on it. He trusts me to bear this cross like the daughter of a King. So bearing this cross I will. John the Baptist let go, I must do the same.
I consecrated my first born to Our Blessed Mother, since I won't be there to watch my birth child growing up, at least she will. I figured that Our Blessed Mother will be the perfect person to watch over this child.
By letting go, I'm able to have a 'new wineskin' where Our Lord will be able to pour 'new wine' in me. By letting go, I'm able to live in a present moment.
I'm a leper now. the leper in Our Lord's time was a 'prisoner' of this disease, I'm a prisoner in my longing, pain, anger, etc. I need to be freed from this anger, so that I can love freely. I need to keep approaching Our Lord and say the exact word "Lord, if You choose, You can cure me", and bearing my cross as He carried His once. I don't need to worry about the direction, all I need to do is to follow.
I need to be whole again. I need to let go. The question is...How? I HAVE NO IDEA!! but I'm sure Our Lord knows. Well, at least I've admitted the need to let go, that's the big step...haha..
Sunday, January 8, 2012
My kind of confession...part 3
This post is harder than I thought. I couldn't find the right words without being so angry. So, I figured that I'll just start typing whatever comes to my mind.
My relationship with my parents at this point was still good. I considered any advices from my parents carefully and I respected them. We were close.
Before I got my bachelor degree, I applied for a training program, and I got accepted. I was very excited, nervous and scared at the same time. My parents were happy for me. The time came for me to travel to a distant land, and start my training program.
Little did I know, that this part of my journey was when everything would change. This was the part of my life that I feel the Lord broke me into pieces. My complicated love relationship with our Good Lord started with my biggest mistake.
I started my training program excited, homesick, and with the same old me attitude looking for fun. It was December 2002, and I chose the wrong choice. In January 2003, I found out I was pregnant...out of wedlock. The baby's father denied himself. I wasn't scared of being pregnant, I was scared that my parents would go banana at me, and remember that 'family honor' is everything? It wasn't supposed to go this way, I had plans.
I couldn't think clearly, to say I was confused is an understatement. I couldn't even find the right word. I feel that at the stage of mind that I was in, I could easily be influenced by people. It was such an overwhelming feeling that I couldn't find the right words to describe as no words will suffice. Finally, I gather all my courage, and I called home. My mom, she cried. My dad, amazingly, didn't scold me ( I was so ready to receive every piece of his mind) I was more scared of him being angry than being pregnant.
Then he told me calmly to get rid of 'it'. At that point, on my shoulders, I was given a very heavy burden...'family honor'. I was told that it is better to sacrifice one life than five lives. In my mental situation at that time, I felt that my out of wedlock pregnancy has put ashame to the family honor, and I'm responsible to fix it.
I had to make decision quick. I wasn't asked what I thought, I wasn't asked what I wanted to do with the pregnancy, I wasn't given the time to digest, step back and make MY own decision. I wasn't given the time or asked if I wanted to keep the baby, I wasn't asked "what do YOU think YOU should do?", I wasn't even offered help from my own family that they will help me to raise the baby, if I choose to keep the baby. I was left alone, at least that's how I feel right now.
Right now I feel that at that time, I was treated like someone who just screwed up big time with the family honor. I feel like I wasn't treated as a daughter. I feel like at that time, family honor was more important than me, a member of the family. I feel like there was no mercy embracing me when I was at my lowest point. The only way to 'fix' the problem is to get rid of 'it' so nobody will know.
Right now I feel that something important, part of me, what belong to ME, got ripped of and taken away without even asking MY permission. Right now, I feel stupid.
Right now I feel angry, especially to myself. If only I could stand up for myself and for my baby, things would be different. If only I didn't listen to anybody else except me, if only I made MY own decision based on what I think is right, I would still have my baby.
Right now, as I'm learning to know about Our Lord, when the anger comes, I still couldn't believe He let me loose my baby. I couldn't believe that He didn't prevent me from making decisions that cause me losing my baby. I mean if He knows and permits everything to happen, well...see...I told you I have a complicated love relationship with the Lord, or I should say, I'm the one who make things complicated.
Anyway, back to the baby....I started to look for an abortion clinic. I know very well the stage of mind of a girl looking for an abortion. My parents told me something, I had to obey, or at least that;s what I thought I should do at that time.
By the grace of God, and with the help of my sweet Guardian Angel, no, I didn't kill my baby. Still, I had to get rid of 'it'. A friend of mine had distance cousins who were hoping to adopt. I jumped to it without any given thought. Again, I feel stupid, I should have searched more about adoption, I should have known what I want, but I didn't. If only I searched more about adoption, I would have done the adoption a different way so that I could still see my flesh and blood.
Long story short, I gave birth, and put my baby for adoption. Right now, I regretted my decision. After 8 long years with so much anger, I admit: I REGRET MY DECISION.
Don't get me wrong, I think that adoption is a wonderful thing, I'm an adoptive mother myself, I'm longing to adopt again, but in my circumstances, in my story, I think even if I did make the adoption decision, it should have been based on MY OWN decision, not because of the influence from other people. I should have taken the time to think it through about all other things related to adoption.
When the pain comes, and anger flooded my heart, I wonder why at that time, the Lord didn't reveal to me that I would have a stable family on my own, why He didn't let me learn more about adoption, and let me choose another family for my first born, a family that has flexibility so I'm allowed to see my first born, why He didn't change my first born's adoptive parents' hearts so that I'm able to see the child that I gave birth to, even though only for a short time. I asked to be sent photos couple of times a year instead of once a year, I got rejected. I asked for visits, I got rejected. I asked if I could send small gifts, I got rejected. Why wasn't I thinking about these things before? because I didn't do my homework and learn more about adoption, it was too late.
When the pain comes, ripping my chest, I ask these questions: Why the Lord didn't let me see my first born? what kind of healing He has in mind? Why I was so stupid at that time? I'm struggling to forgive myself for being so stupid, and now, the more I know the Lord, the more I will blame Him for not revealing those things to me. If He loves me even though I sinned, He should have revealed those things to me.
Well, Theresa and I are learning, in religion class, that only bad things come from sins. Sins bring troubles and pain here and there. God didn't and doesn't cause my anger and my pain. The anger and pain I'm feeling right now are caused by sins that I choose to commit. My situation of not being able to see my first born doesn't cause by God, it was caused by the sins I committed. Surely God will be able to make things better in an instant, He could have allowed me to see my birth child right at this minute if He wants me too, but I guess that is not His plan for me. I have to learn to accept His plan, I'm dragging to accept and say 'Yes'. I'm struggling to say the fiat with a smile.
Now, I can't change things that has happened. If only... could have...should have...would have....will not change a thing. I know this in my mind, but in my heart...that's a different story.
I have been living in anger for 8 years, but I think that the Lord, slowly and surely, is showing me what my problem is...I haven't got a time to grieve. I was too proud to admit that I'm broken. I was too proud to admit that things are not okay. I've been pretending that everything is okay.
Very slowly and surely, I'm learning to admit that I'm angry, that things are not okay, that I'm broken, that I'm struggling to accept that God allowed things happened to me for His own plans, that He still loves me no matter what, He still loves me even though He didn't reveal everything to me at that time, and He still loves me even though He doesn't allow me to see my birth child (a very strange way to show love, I must say).
Right now, I have to live with whatever consequences, because of the decisions I made regardless.
I have to start to forgive MYSELF. I need to heal my own wound in order to forgive other people and to accept all the consequences, such as being separated from my own flesh and blood.
The Lord gave me a wonderful companion, though, my DH. The first time we started dating, he knew about my situation. He has been my rock and shoulders to cry on when the pain is too much.
Often time, when the pain comes, I tell him that I choose the wrong family for my first born...and he shut my mouth with his words "for you...it might be a mistake, but for God...it is the right family, are you saying that God made mistakes?" Although I would love to argue this, I know in my mind that he is right, now...in my heart, that's a different story, I need a lot more graces.
The Lord also allowed me to be an adoptive mother for our son and plant desires for us to adopt again, maybe, through my own painful experiences, I am asked to show more compassion to other birth mothers as I am one myself too. I'm asked to treat our son's birth mother with love, the same way I wished to be treated as a birth mother. Through my experience, I'm learning the importance for being flexible in the adoption world, because flexibility will help to heal the wound.
I'm allowed to see things from an adoptive mother's point of view as I am one too, so when I start blaming my birth child's adoptive parents, I'm reminded as an adoptive parent myself, and try very very hard to be compassionate to them...*SIGH*
My root sin is pride, and I have a long way to go, to learn to accept this life I live. I have a long way to learn about forgiveness and humility. Right now, I'm just an unforgiving, angry, and broken soul..with other ugly things in between.
Sometimes I'm wondering if the Lord will ever take this pain away. Maybe He enjoys me being crippled as it is His own delight to carry me all over on His own shoulders.
I'm praying as I'm pushing the publish button, His name will be glorified.
My relationship with my parents at this point was still good. I considered any advices from my parents carefully and I respected them. We were close.
Before I got my bachelor degree, I applied for a training program, and I got accepted. I was very excited, nervous and scared at the same time. My parents were happy for me. The time came for me to travel to a distant land, and start my training program.
Little did I know, that this part of my journey was when everything would change. This was the part of my life that I feel the Lord broke me into pieces. My complicated love relationship with our Good Lord started with my biggest mistake.
I started my training program excited, homesick, and with the same old me attitude looking for fun. It was December 2002, and I chose the wrong choice. In January 2003, I found out I was pregnant...out of wedlock. The baby's father denied himself. I wasn't scared of being pregnant, I was scared that my parents would go banana at me, and remember that 'family honor' is everything? It wasn't supposed to go this way, I had plans.
I couldn't think clearly, to say I was confused is an understatement. I couldn't even find the right word. I feel that at the stage of mind that I was in, I could easily be influenced by people. It was such an overwhelming feeling that I couldn't find the right words to describe as no words will suffice. Finally, I gather all my courage, and I called home. My mom, she cried. My dad, amazingly, didn't scold me ( I was so ready to receive every piece of his mind) I was more scared of him being angry than being pregnant.
Then he told me calmly to get rid of 'it'. At that point, on my shoulders, I was given a very heavy burden...'family honor'. I was told that it is better to sacrifice one life than five lives. In my mental situation at that time, I felt that my out of wedlock pregnancy has put ashame to the family honor, and I'm responsible to fix it.
I had to make decision quick. I wasn't asked what I thought, I wasn't asked what I wanted to do with the pregnancy, I wasn't given the time to digest, step back and make MY own decision. I wasn't given the time or asked if I wanted to keep the baby, I wasn't asked "what do YOU think YOU should do?", I wasn't even offered help from my own family that they will help me to raise the baby, if I choose to keep the baby. I was left alone, at least that's how I feel right now.
Right now I feel that at that time, I was treated like someone who just screwed up big time with the family honor. I feel like I wasn't treated as a daughter. I feel like at that time, family honor was more important than me, a member of the family. I feel like there was no mercy embracing me when I was at my lowest point. The only way to 'fix' the problem is to get rid of 'it' so nobody will know.
Right now I feel that something important, part of me, what belong to ME, got ripped of and taken away without even asking MY permission. Right now, I feel stupid.
Right now I feel angry, especially to myself. If only I could stand up for myself and for my baby, things would be different. If only I didn't listen to anybody else except me, if only I made MY own decision based on what I think is right, I would still have my baby.
Right now, as I'm learning to know about Our Lord, when the anger comes, I still couldn't believe He let me loose my baby. I couldn't believe that He didn't prevent me from making decisions that cause me losing my baby. I mean if He knows and permits everything to happen, well...see...I told you I have a complicated love relationship with the Lord, or I should say, I'm the one who make things complicated.
Anyway, back to the baby....I started to look for an abortion clinic. I know very well the stage of mind of a girl looking for an abortion. My parents told me something, I had to obey, or at least that;s what I thought I should do at that time.
By the grace of God, and with the help of my sweet Guardian Angel, no, I didn't kill my baby. Still, I had to get rid of 'it'. A friend of mine had distance cousins who were hoping to adopt. I jumped to it without any given thought. Again, I feel stupid, I should have searched more about adoption, I should have known what I want, but I didn't. If only I searched more about adoption, I would have done the adoption a different way so that I could still see my flesh and blood.
Long story short, I gave birth, and put my baby for adoption. Right now, I regretted my decision. After 8 long years with so much anger, I admit: I REGRET MY DECISION.
Don't get me wrong, I think that adoption is a wonderful thing, I'm an adoptive mother myself, I'm longing to adopt again, but in my circumstances, in my story, I think even if I did make the adoption decision, it should have been based on MY OWN decision, not because of the influence from other people. I should have taken the time to think it through about all other things related to adoption.
When the pain comes, and anger flooded my heart, I wonder why at that time, the Lord didn't reveal to me that I would have a stable family on my own, why He didn't let me learn more about adoption, and let me choose another family for my first born, a family that has flexibility so I'm allowed to see my first born, why He didn't change my first born's adoptive parents' hearts so that I'm able to see the child that I gave birth to, even though only for a short time. I asked to be sent photos couple of times a year instead of once a year, I got rejected. I asked for visits, I got rejected. I asked if I could send small gifts, I got rejected. Why wasn't I thinking about these things before? because I didn't do my homework and learn more about adoption, it was too late.
When the pain comes, ripping my chest, I ask these questions: Why the Lord didn't let me see my first born? what kind of healing He has in mind? Why I was so stupid at that time? I'm struggling to forgive myself for being so stupid, and now, the more I know the Lord, the more I will blame Him for not revealing those things to me. If He loves me even though I sinned, He should have revealed those things to me.
Well, Theresa and I are learning, in religion class, that only bad things come from sins. Sins bring troubles and pain here and there. God didn't and doesn't cause my anger and my pain. The anger and pain I'm feeling right now are caused by sins that I choose to commit. My situation of not being able to see my first born doesn't cause by God, it was caused by the sins I committed. Surely God will be able to make things better in an instant, He could have allowed me to see my birth child right at this minute if He wants me too, but I guess that is not His plan for me. I have to learn to accept His plan, I'm dragging to accept and say 'Yes'. I'm struggling to say the fiat with a smile.
Now, I can't change things that has happened. If only... could have...should have...would have....will not change a thing. I know this in my mind, but in my heart...that's a different story.
I have been living in anger for 8 years, but I think that the Lord, slowly and surely, is showing me what my problem is...I haven't got a time to grieve. I was too proud to admit that I'm broken. I was too proud to admit that things are not okay. I've been pretending that everything is okay.
Very slowly and surely, I'm learning to admit that I'm angry, that things are not okay, that I'm broken, that I'm struggling to accept that God allowed things happened to me for His own plans, that He still loves me no matter what, He still loves me even though He didn't reveal everything to me at that time, and He still loves me even though He doesn't allow me to see my birth child (a very strange way to show love, I must say).
Right now, I have to live with whatever consequences, because of the decisions I made regardless.
I have to start to forgive MYSELF. I need to heal my own wound in order to forgive other people and to accept all the consequences, such as being separated from my own flesh and blood.
The Lord gave me a wonderful companion, though, my DH. The first time we started dating, he knew about my situation. He has been my rock and shoulders to cry on when the pain is too much.
Often time, when the pain comes, I tell him that I choose the wrong family for my first born...and he shut my mouth with his words "for you...it might be a mistake, but for God...it is the right family, are you saying that God made mistakes?" Although I would love to argue this, I know in my mind that he is right, now...in my heart, that's a different story, I need a lot more graces.
The Lord also allowed me to be an adoptive mother for our son and plant desires for us to adopt again, maybe, through my own painful experiences, I am asked to show more compassion to other birth mothers as I am one myself too. I'm asked to treat our son's birth mother with love, the same way I wished to be treated as a birth mother. Through my experience, I'm learning the importance for being flexible in the adoption world, because flexibility will help to heal the wound.
I'm allowed to see things from an adoptive mother's point of view as I am one too, so when I start blaming my birth child's adoptive parents, I'm reminded as an adoptive parent myself, and try very very hard to be compassionate to them...*SIGH*
My root sin is pride, and I have a long way to go, to learn to accept this life I live. I have a long way to learn about forgiveness and humility. Right now, I'm just an unforgiving, angry, and broken soul..with other ugly things in between.
Sometimes I'm wondering if the Lord will ever take this pain away. Maybe He enjoys me being crippled as it is His own delight to carry me all over on His own shoulders.
I'm praying as I'm pushing the publish button, His name will be glorified.
Friday, December 23, 2011
My kind of confession...part 2
As I mentioned earlier, education was and still is very important for my parents. I grew up knowing that I had to get the best grade I could get. Surely I was taught about thy shall not kill, thy shall not steal or lie, no drugs, etc, and other common social laws, but it was never emphasized to me about other more important virtues such as faith, hope, love, self control, fear of the Lord, etc. As long as I got good grades, and I didn't do drugs, steal, lie, or in other word kept myself away from jail, I was good to go. I knew about sins, but never really knew about mortal and venial sins. My parents were really supportive in education, they were loving parents, and they tried to raise their family as best as they can. Of course they made sure that none of their children bring shame and embarrassment to the family. Family honor is very important.
I never knew about modesty, that my body is 'the temple of Holy Spirit' so I dressed as...well...in that kind of fashion. My world was basically about...ME...
Since I entered school, I tried so hard to be accepted, to be that popular girl. At the age of 18, after graduating from high school, I went to college overseas, an hour away from my country of origin, in attempt to get 'better' formal education. So...an 18 year old young girl, with no strong foundation in Catholic Faith teaching, venture around enjoying her freedom, well, I still had to attend classes, of course. I did good in classes, though, but not in the area of my faith and salvation. I wanted to look 'cool', and did things that I wasn't supposed to do, of course I didn't do things that will put myself into jail, no drugs, and no gambling.
When I was a little girl, growing up, I was never really close to my dad. We never really talked heart to heart, and I feel that my dad never made an effort to get to know me. I was a little girl who was lacking of a fatherly love and cuddles. So, when I had my 'freedom', I was looking for male's attention that I didn't get from my dad at the wrong place. I always thought that having a boyfriend is cool. My parents, of course, didn't know my 'social' life, I wasn't that 'stupid' to tell them what I did. Besides, as long as my grades were good, no child, and healthy, they believe that I was behaving well enough and didn't embarrass them.
Graduating from this college, then I transferred my grades to another college in a different country in order to get my degree. This time, the country was a little bit further from my country of origin. It started the same all over again. I kept my grades well, found a part time job, while my faith, salvation and moral were questionable. It was all about good grades, fun, and guys.
Now, looking back, I could see the Good Lord's hands. Maybe..I should say I could see what He allowed me to experience. Remember when I wrote that I went to Mass out of obligation? well, every time I went to a new country for school, I felt homesick as I didn't know anybody and everything was still new to me. The only place I ran to is the Church. Mass was the only thing I felt I was home. There were 2 reasons I went to Mass, obligation and it felt like home. Yup, I went to Mass filthy, without even realizing the need of going to Confession. So...I kept on sinning, and at the same time I kept on going to Mass.
The lacking of father and daughter relationship in my life while I was growing up, made me realize how crucial the father's touch and love are for little children, especially girls. I am blessed with a husband who loves spending time with his kids. He loves cuddling with his girls and son too. They love tackling and climbing on top of daddy. He understands very well his role and how important it is for his children to have their daddy involves in their lives, especially for the girls.
I pray so hard that through my husband's love for his girls, if the Lord chooses married life as vocations for my girls, they will look for husbands who are no less than their earthly daddy. Our son will know how a husband should treat his family, or how a father should be, in married life or in priesthood.
I never knew about modesty, that my body is 'the temple of Holy Spirit' so I dressed as...well...in that kind of fashion. My world was basically about...ME...
Since I entered school, I tried so hard to be accepted, to be that popular girl. At the age of 18, after graduating from high school, I went to college overseas, an hour away from my country of origin, in attempt to get 'better' formal education. So...an 18 year old young girl, with no strong foundation in Catholic Faith teaching, venture around enjoying her freedom, well, I still had to attend classes, of course. I did good in classes, though, but not in the area of my faith and salvation. I wanted to look 'cool', and did things that I wasn't supposed to do, of course I didn't do things that will put myself into jail, no drugs, and no gambling.
When I was a little girl, growing up, I was never really close to my dad. We never really talked heart to heart, and I feel that my dad never made an effort to get to know me. I was a little girl who was lacking of a fatherly love and cuddles. So, when I had my 'freedom', I was looking for male's attention that I didn't get from my dad at the wrong place. I always thought that having a boyfriend is cool. My parents, of course, didn't know my 'social' life, I wasn't that 'stupid' to tell them what I did. Besides, as long as my grades were good, no child, and healthy, they believe that I was behaving well enough and didn't embarrass them.
Graduating from this college, then I transferred my grades to another college in a different country in order to get my degree. This time, the country was a little bit further from my country of origin. It started the same all over again. I kept my grades well, found a part time job, while my faith, salvation and moral were questionable. It was all about good grades, fun, and guys.
Now, looking back, I could see the Good Lord's hands. Maybe..I should say I could see what He allowed me to experience. Remember when I wrote that I went to Mass out of obligation? well, every time I went to a new country for school, I felt homesick as I didn't know anybody and everything was still new to me. The only place I ran to is the Church. Mass was the only thing I felt I was home. There were 2 reasons I went to Mass, obligation and it felt like home. Yup, I went to Mass filthy, without even realizing the need of going to Confession. So...I kept on sinning, and at the same time I kept on going to Mass.
The lacking of father and daughter relationship in my life while I was growing up, made me realize how crucial the father's touch and love are for little children, especially girls. I am blessed with a husband who loves spending time with his kids. He loves cuddling with his girls and son too. They love tackling and climbing on top of daddy. He understands very well his role and how important it is for his children to have their daddy involves in their lives, especially for the girls.
I pray so hard that through my husband's love for his girls, if the Lord chooses married life as vocations for my girls, they will look for husbands who are no less than their earthly daddy. Our son will know how a husband should treat his family, or how a father should be, in married life or in priesthood.
Monday, December 19, 2011
My kind of confession...part 1
I've been re-typing and re-reading this post over and over again. I've been debating if I should even post this story or just keep it for my personal journal, because I don't know what's going to happen once I put my deepest secret out there. On the other hand, it might be a story that will encourage people.
Pride is my root sin. Combine that with my Melancholic-Choleric Temperament, then it will be a nice combo for a disaster. That is why I feel the need to be very careful in writing this story. I need to write the story from my point of view, stating the fact without degrading anyone involved as it is easy for me whenever I get hurt to point finger at other people.
My story is ugly, it is filled with sins...any kind of sins. It is filled with anger and betrayal and pride. It is a story about an unforgiving soul, a broken one. This is a story that the Good Lord allowed and has been allowing me to experience. I'm still struggling to believe that nothing, I mean NOTHING will happen unless He wills it. This is a story about my youth, my failings, my joys, my losses, and my pains. This is a story about how angry I can be to The Lord, to myself, and to everyone involved.
However, as ugly as it is, The Good Lord is in it. Did I write this story because of pride? to feel sorry for myself? or is it for healing? I don't know. There are times that I feel the need to let it out. Not many people know my story. and to put it out there for who knows who might read it...well...I don't know.
I'm a cradle Catholic. I grew up in a Catholic family, but I didn't practice the faith so much. I couldn't remember if I went to Mass every Sunday or not when I was a kid. There were statues of Our Lord and Our Lady at my parents' house, but we never prayed as a family. My parents sent their children to well-known Catholic schools run by Ursulin nuns. They let the school taught the faith to their children. Only when I was in Junior High that I remember we went to Mass every Sunday, but at home, we never pray as a family. Mass was just an obligation. I didn't know much about Catholic Church, very little in fact, except Mass, 7 Sacraments, and there is a Pope. I very seldom went to Confession. Pathetic? yes..I know.
Both of my parents worked, all day. Education is their number one priority, and they vowed that they will give their children the best education they can give.
Everyday after school, since my grandparents' house closer to my school, I would go to my grandparents' house and spent the rest of the day there until my mom came home from work, and together, we went back to my parents' house. My grandparents were not Catholics, they love their grand kids so much that they spoiled us.
Everyday, my mom would call me from her work to make sure that I did my homework. My dad.....he was not involved so much, more to a quite type and let my mom took care of the kids, unless of course the kids needed discipline.
Growing up I was always told to do good to other people then they'll do good to you. A very wrong value I must say, as this is the value that I carried in my relationship with The Lord, and I'm still having trouble to assure myself that I don't have to do anything to get what I want, because no matter what I do, if it's not good for me, I won't get it anyway.
During our journey to our second child, I'd bargain with Him. I felt that maybe I was a bad mother, I couldn't even handle and got angry easily with one child, and He knew that, that's why He didn't want to give me more children. Maybe if I could prove it to Him I can handle more children, He'd give me what I want.
As an oldest child, a heavy burden was put on my shoulders, that I'm responsible for our family honor. I have paid a great price for this belief. I'm carrying a heavy cross because of this belief, and I'm suffering because of this belief. I have cried and cried asking for mercy to be freed from this suffering. I'm scared to repeat these words "Not my will, but Your will be done". I'm struggling to embrace this cross, and maybe that's why it feels heavier. Like I said, pride is my root sin.
Today, it is even hard for me to let go this belief. I am what I am, that God created me for His purpose only. I am not responsible for my family's honor. It also opened my eyes that children are not supposed to be given such heavy burden. Children are gifts from God. Who are we to put the responsibilities of family honor on their shoulders? they..all of us...are only expected to be responsible to God alone.
I should say that my experience growing up has taught me how important our Catholic faith is for a soul. It motivates me to grill my children, to plant the seeds in their hearts about the truth of the Catholic faith teaching. There was a lack of faith in my life when I was growing up and I pray so hard that the Lord will help me to teach my children about our Catholic Faith so that they don't have to learn it the hard way like I did.
I'm praying that I'm able to write the next part with deep humility.
Pride is my root sin. Combine that with my Melancholic-Choleric Temperament, then it will be a nice combo for a disaster. That is why I feel the need to be very careful in writing this story. I need to write the story from my point of view, stating the fact without degrading anyone involved as it is easy for me whenever I get hurt to point finger at other people.
My story is ugly, it is filled with sins...any kind of sins. It is filled with anger and betrayal and pride. It is a story about an unforgiving soul, a broken one. This is a story that the Good Lord allowed and has been allowing me to experience. I'm still struggling to believe that nothing, I mean NOTHING will happen unless He wills it. This is a story about my youth, my failings, my joys, my losses, and my pains. This is a story about how angry I can be to The Lord, to myself, and to everyone involved.
However, as ugly as it is, The Good Lord is in it. Did I write this story because of pride? to feel sorry for myself? or is it for healing? I don't know. There are times that I feel the need to let it out. Not many people know my story. and to put it out there for who knows who might read it...well...I don't know.
I'm a cradle Catholic. I grew up in a Catholic family, but I didn't practice the faith so much. I couldn't remember if I went to Mass every Sunday or not when I was a kid. There were statues of Our Lord and Our Lady at my parents' house, but we never prayed as a family. My parents sent their children to well-known Catholic schools run by Ursulin nuns. They let the school taught the faith to their children. Only when I was in Junior High that I remember we went to Mass every Sunday, but at home, we never pray as a family. Mass was just an obligation. I didn't know much about Catholic Church, very little in fact, except Mass, 7 Sacraments, and there is a Pope. I very seldom went to Confession. Pathetic? yes..I know.
Both of my parents worked, all day. Education is their number one priority, and they vowed that they will give their children the best education they can give.
Everyday after school, since my grandparents' house closer to my school, I would go to my grandparents' house and spent the rest of the day there until my mom came home from work, and together, we went back to my parents' house. My grandparents were not Catholics, they love their grand kids so much that they spoiled us.
Everyday, my mom would call me from her work to make sure that I did my homework. My dad.....he was not involved so much, more to a quite type and let my mom took care of the kids, unless of course the kids needed discipline.
Growing up I was always told to do good to other people then they'll do good to you. A very wrong value I must say, as this is the value that I carried in my relationship with The Lord, and I'm still having trouble to assure myself that I don't have to do anything to get what I want, because no matter what I do, if it's not good for me, I won't get it anyway.
During our journey to our second child, I'd bargain with Him. I felt that maybe I was a bad mother, I couldn't even handle and got angry easily with one child, and He knew that, that's why He didn't want to give me more children. Maybe if I could prove it to Him I can handle more children, He'd give me what I want.
As an oldest child, a heavy burden was put on my shoulders, that I'm responsible for our family honor. I have paid a great price for this belief. I'm carrying a heavy cross because of this belief, and I'm suffering because of this belief. I have cried and cried asking for mercy to be freed from this suffering. I'm scared to repeat these words "Not my will, but Your will be done". I'm struggling to embrace this cross, and maybe that's why it feels heavier. Like I said, pride is my root sin.
Today, it is even hard for me to let go this belief. I am what I am, that God created me for His purpose only. I am not responsible for my family's honor. It also opened my eyes that children are not supposed to be given such heavy burden. Children are gifts from God. Who are we to put the responsibilities of family honor on their shoulders? they..all of us...are only expected to be responsible to God alone.
I should say that my experience growing up has taught me how important our Catholic faith is for a soul. It motivates me to grill my children, to plant the seeds in their hearts about the truth of the Catholic faith teaching. There was a lack of faith in my life when I was growing up and I pray so hard that the Lord will help me to teach my children about our Catholic Faith so that they don't have to learn it the hard way like I did.
I'm praying that I'm able to write the next part with deep humility.
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