I don't wanna be a Saint and I don't wanna be Holy

Remember when I wrote about a monster that has been living inside me for almost 8 years? its name is anger. Well, he came out.

My past has shaped me into a private person for certain people. I now have a sense of belonging, very sensitive about anything done by certain people. All this while, for years, I have never set this thing called boundary. When I went to home-schooling conference this past summer,  a priest talked about how important for us to set boundaries in order to be able to interact more freely and lovingly with other people.

Being hurt multiple times made me think to set this boundaries in order to give me time to heal since trust has been broken. I weighed this thought back and forward, and talked about this with DH since I don't want to do this out of anger and to do revenge, if I do that, then I'll have to include these in my confession.

The thought evaporated until last week, again, I felt the pain when some people took something that belongs to me.Some people might think it's nothing, and I admit it that it is nothing, but the value and story behind my feeling made this thing something very very important.

I decided to deliver the news, as polite as possible without bringing up the past, that we're setting boundaries to preserve my privacy. It didn't end up well. I was accused of so many things. I had to struggle to not reply anything because I know if I do reply, I'd reply it in anger and pain, but then I lost it. I let the monster out right in front of my Beloved, Our Lord. I told Him:

"I don't wanna be a Saint, I don't wanna be Holy, but just so you know, I'm scared of hell too"

Then all of a sudden, His image hanging on the cross appeared in my mind, still I wasn't satisfied, my thought was who did He think He is just showed up like that,  then I continue:

"Do you know how hard it is not to reply?"
"Why is it so hard? why me? screw charity, never mind about love and forgiveness!!, you're such a demanding person, it's all too hard!!"
"If this is so hard, then I don't wanna be a Saint, but I'm scared of hell too!!"

In my mind I was yelling at Him, threw my fists at Him, walking around circling the crucifix, and still yelling and angry while His head just hanging down, the crown of thorns on Him, and His head was bleeding. Then I heard my inner heart saying "I know you don't want it, but you must"

Then my mind was brought to so many events when Theresa refused to do something that I told her.

Me: "do the laundry, please"
T: " I don't want to"
Me: "I know, but you must, sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to"
T: dragged her feet to do laundry out of obedience to me.

Sounds familiar. It's funny how Holy Spirit can just throw back everything at you. If being a Saint is so hard, I admit that I don't want to be one, it's just too much work. At the same time, I don't have any choice either. First of all, I'm scared of hell, and second of all I'm not made for this world OR hell. I was made for Heaven...oh well!!

A boyfriend for a 6 year old? Really???

Last week I took Theresa for mommy and daughter day out. I nursed Maria really good, and put her for a nap, and DH played with Gerard. I needed to get some grocery, and Theresa wanted to choose her birthday cake (I now realised that choosing a birthday cake is a serious business for soon-to-be 6 girl).

Anyway, I decided that it's time for her to have a haircut. I normally just trim her bang myself, but since I didn't do a good job trimming the rest of her hair the other day, this time I gave in and spending my money on her hair.

So we went, and the hairdresser was really friendly and nice. It took a lot of effort from Theresa to sit still for such a long time. She started wiggling, and then the conversation went like this:

Hairdresser: "Don't move, you don't want your hair to be cricket, don't you? what would your boyfriend say?"

Me: "??"

Theresa:"...." (while looking at me)

Hairdresser: "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Theresa: "???....."

Me to Theresa: "You have a friend who is a boy, you have friends who are boys and girls"

My baby girl doesn't know today's world definition of "boyfriend", which I'm really glad. She is only 6 years old. Is it so normal nowadays that a 6 year old is having a boyfriend? wow...

It's getting harder for parents nowadays to preserve the innocence of a child in today's world. Everyday, more and more the world is trying to rob these little souls' innocent.

We were watching TV (we don't watch TV during the day, when DH home, he turns on TV for a little while), and I can see my kids' eyes were glued to that screen and at the same time, I noticed how quickly DH change the channel, because everywhere he noticed the programs or commercials that are not suitable for the souls, young and old.

The conversation with the hairdresser made me realise that I have to arm myself to protect these innocent souls that The Lord entrusted into my care. How the world has become a very very scary place. At the same time, in prudence, I have to teach these children to become God's army. They need to know what's going on in the world in order to be able to fight for what is right. They need to know that we are in this world in order to know, love and serve God, and to prepare ourselves for Heaven, but we can not be part of the world, because we are not made for the world, we are made for Heaven.

Our weapons won't be deadly weapons, but our weapon will be Rosary and the Eucharist, and we'll be dressed in humility, prudence, and charity.

Now, if only I could find my dress of humility, prudence, and charity, so I can put it on myself and set a good example for my kids, because today I haven't been a charitable mommy toward my kiddos.

Keeping my focus

The new school year has started. Theresa will be in 1st grade (yikes, has it been really 6 years?). We have started school here and there just to get the feel out of it, especially for me. This will be my first year home-schooling with a toddler and a baby, and I must say that it has been very interesting and challenging.DH has been busy with his teachings, grading, and other stuff related to his work.

These past few days, The Holy Spirit has been pulling me to one story from the Bible. It is the story where the disciples saw Jesus approaching their boat, in the middle of the ocean, by walking on the water. Peter, who always speak without thinking (I found out that he is a choleric), asked Jesus to call him because he wanted to walk on the water too. Jesus did call Peter, and he walked on the water toward Our Lord. While Peter was walking, the big wind blew, Peter was scared. He started to lose his focus on Christ, that's when he started sinking.

This story reminded me how I should keep my focus on Christ alone. My life will be busy with schooling and other things. There will be worries, starting from financial situation, mortgages, etc. The storm of life will start to shake me and I will start to sink, if I don't have my eyes fixed upon The Good Lord. At the same time, I'm comforted knowing that The Lord will always stay close by me. I know when I do 'sink' I can just quickly call out His name, and His hands will pull me out in no time, just like He pulled Peter when he started sinking and call out for Him.

I have to start disciplining myself to make prayers my priorities through out the day, in order to keep my sanity. During the home-schooling conference this past summer, a Carmelite nun said that if we are too busy to pray, we are busier than what The Lord intended us to be.

A dear holy priest once told me to keep my eyes upon the crucifix where I can draw all the strengths I need. Gazing at the crucifix, I can learn all the virtues from The Creator Himself, especially humility and charity, the virtues that I really need to learn the most.

So, what have we been learning so far?

Art

If you give Gerard some paint....

Making pizza for lunch

Making pie dough

Science

Geography

When the artists need a bigger paper

Showing off her cursive writing

Thinking hard during Math test. She loves tests and can become giddy. I hope the excitement will last until High School

....

Well, I was debating whether or not I should reveal the kiddos' names in this blog, then I realize, I can just use their baptism names. I never call them by their baptism name, and those are beautiful names, the names of the Saints. So...here they are

Meet Theresa

Meet Gerard

 

 Meet Maria

 

Ever since Gerard's adoption, there's this tug to start another adoption process again. It is something that is very dear to my heart. If it was up to me, I'd have filled out the applications and start the process.

Of course, I'm learning to let my DH to lead, trying to be a good and obedient wife, I mentioned this desire of mine to DH and asked him to think and pray about it.

Well, the good news is that he agrees to adopt again (YAY!!) the bad news is that he decided that we should wait, at least until our house in MS sell. Being a great and responsible provider he is, DH just have to make sure that his family has enough food to eat.

So, we wait ( I never like waiting, but again seems like our Lord knows that by keeping me waiting, I'll practice the virtue of patience) while I have this pile of names of different adoption agencies in my list..haha...

In the mean time, I'll continue to wait and say a novena, so our house in MS will sell, not only that we are able to adopt again, but also it will be so much better to get rid of that mortgage in MS.

Oh well....

Our fridge broke. We bought a house with a broken fridge. We moved into a new house that came with a fridge, and guess what? a month after we moved, the fridge decided that it's time for him to sleep for good.

Well, now we just have to hunt for a new fridge which is not a good situation since our financial budget is already so tight, but we need this thing called the fridge.

On a good side, this momma has a reason for taking a break from cooking..haha..no cooking, means no pots and pans and dirty dish to wash. Oh..and the house doesn't come with a dishwasher, either, beggars can't be choosers, as my DH will say. So..ever since we moved, I've been washing dishes by hands. It's time to train my oldest how to wash the dishes I guess.

Next time if we buy another house (which DH will say "not for another 20 years"), I'll make sure to find out how old the fridge is...Oh well...what a bummer :((

I'm learning how to be angry with trust

I never know that I should learn how to be angry, but angry with trust. Growing up, I was taught that I have to do good, so other people will do good to me. If other people do something good for me, I have to repay them by doing something good for them. This teaching has caused me to feel bad for being angry at my parents. They are my parents after all, who raised me, paid for everything I need growing up, it would be so ungrateful if I'm angry at them. I owe them my life. They are great parents.

This perception has effected my relationship with God, my creator. I have learn and I'm still learning, that He loves me, no matter what. I don't have to do good things just to make Him loves me, even if I make mistakes, He will still love me just the same. I don't have to prove myself just to make Him give what I want. That's what I did, sometimes I still do, trying to manipulate my God. I have to keep reminding my self about this fact, that God loves me, and I don't have to prove myself, He loves me just the way I am.

Thanks to my Spiritual Director, she told me that it's okay to be angry at God, and I don't have to worry that He will get upset or stop providing me with what I need. He is the God of love. I have to learn to trust Him, and trusting His love for me, His love will never change. It does make sense though, He loves me to approach Him just the way I am even with my anger. If there's someone who can take my anger, that will be Him. After all, He created me with all my emotions. How can He heal me, heal my anger if I don't let Him, if I keep clinging to it?

I have this ugly monster in me called anger. Anger has been sleeping nice and quite (most of the time) for almost 8 years. Once in a while the Good Lord let or allow for the wound to open and  I can feel the pain ripping my chest, fresh and new as if it was like yesterday. The wound is so deep that when it hurts, I will start feeling this anger toward God, my parents, and myself, then it will be a great struggle for me to throw myself at His mercy, because I can feel Satan is trying to keep me from going to my God in my anger. I'm learning that every time the anger arises, I have to bring my anger to the light, I have to admit that I'm angry toward God, so Satan can't use it any more. Is this how He heals me? I don't know...How long will it take for me to heal? soon..I hope (it's been almost 8 years) or maybe He won't allow it to heal so He can use it to draw me closer to Him, I don't know.... but I know He is a great physician, I just need to trust Him, although often I have to repeat this "Lord, I do believe, help my unbelieve"

I'm praying...

I'm seeking for God's guidance. There is this heavy thing in me heart that I feel the need to write. However, the wound hasn't healed yet, not even close. Why would He want me to write something that hasn't healed yet? 

Is this what He wants for His glory? or is it Satan who is trying to deceive me into falling to a pit of self pity or pride?well...back to invoking The Holy Spirit's guidance then...