After ten years, I finally convinced that the Good Lord is giving me a yearly loving punishment. You see, my punishment comes every year in September and October. September is the month when my oldest, who was adopted, celebrated her birthday. September is a month of grieve for me. The pain comes back, as sharp as a knife slashing through me. The wound is still raw. The pain of separation, of longing, the pain of betrayal, of anger. September is the month when I got separated from my baby. October is the month that I receive my yearly update (photos and a letter) about my daughter. A yearly update that is not enough to satisfy to momma.
Punishments. Yes, the Good Lord does punish sins. Theresa and I are learning about Adam and Eve, and how God punished them. He Himself said that Adam and Eve would die if they disobeyed God. They did indeed. They suffered. I made mistakes in the past, and I'm receiving my punishments. However, His punishments are just, although often when the pain struck, I get angry at Him. His punishments are full of love, although often I forget.
His punishments come with graces, with a tender companion of the Blessed Mother. His punishments come with a reminder that He too is carrying my debts, that He is with me. His punishments come with promises that these too shall pass. These punishments that I'm receiving are intended to purify my soul. I'm also reminded that I can offer these pains for so so many souls, especially for my oldest's soul who is not baptized. These punishments draw me closer to Him.
If the punishments, as painful as they are to the point that I don't think I can bear it, come with so many sweet attributes, should I even name the pain as punishments..or rather...a sweet kiss from Heaven?