Saturday, September 17, 2011

I don't wanna be a Saint and I don't wanna be Holy

Remember when I wrote about a monster that has been living inside me for almost 8 years? its name is anger. Well, he came out.

My past has shaped me into a private person for certain people. I now have a sense of belonging, very sensitive about anything done by certain people. All this while, for years, I have never set this thing called boundary. When I went to home-schooling conference this past summer,  a priest talked about how important for us to set boundaries in order to be able to interact more freely and lovingly with other people.

Being hurt multiple times made me think to set this boundaries in order to give me time to heal since trust has been broken. I weighed this thought back and forward, and talked about this with DH since I don't want to do this out of anger and to do revenge, if I do that, then I'll have to include these in my confession.

The thought evaporated until last week, again, I felt the pain when some people took something that belongs to me.Some people might think it's nothing, and I admit it that it is nothing, but the value and story behind my feeling made this thing something very very important.

I decided to deliver the news, as polite as possible without bringing up the past, that we're setting boundaries to preserve my privacy. It didn't end up well. I was accused of so many things. I had to struggle to not reply anything because I know if I do reply, I'd reply it in anger and pain, but then I lost it. I let the monster out right in front of my Beloved, Our Lord. I told Him:

"I don't wanna be a Saint, I don't wanna be Holy, but just so you know, I'm scared of hell too"

Then all of a sudden, His image hanging on the cross appeared in my mind, still I wasn't satisfied, my thought was who did He think He is just showed up like that,  then I continue:

"Do you know how hard it is not to reply?"
"Why is it so hard? why me? screw charity, never mind about love and forgiveness!!, you're such a demanding person, it's all too hard!!"
"If this is so hard, then I don't wanna be a Saint, but I'm scared of hell too!!"

In my mind I was yelling at Him, threw my fists at Him, walking around circling the crucifix, and still yelling and angry while His head just hanging down, the crown of thorns on Him, and His head was bleeding. Then I heard my inner heart saying "I know you don't want it, but you must"

Then my mind was brought to so many events when Theresa refused to do something that I told her.

Me: "do the laundry, please"
T: " I don't want to"
Me: "I know, but you must, sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to"
T: dragged her feet to do laundry out of obedience to me.

Sounds familiar. It's funny how Holy Spirit can just throw back everything at you. If being a Saint is so hard, I admit that I don't want to be one, it's just too much work. At the same time, I don't have any choice either. First of all, I'm scared of hell, and second of all I'm not made for this world OR hell. I was made for Heaven...oh well!!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A boyfriend for a 6 year old? Really???

Last week I took Theresa for mommy and daughter day out. I nursed Maria really good, and put her for a nap, and DH played with Gerard. I needed to get some grocery, and Theresa wanted to choose her birthday cake (I now realised that choosing a birthday cake is a serious business for soon-to-be 6 girl).

Anyway, I decided that it's time for her to have a haircut. I normally just trim her bang myself, but since I didn't do a good job trimming the rest of her hair the other day, this time I gave in and spending my money on her hair.

So we went, and the hairdresser was really friendly and nice. It took a lot of effort from Theresa to sit still for such a long time. She started wiggling, and then the conversation went like this:

Hairdresser: "Don't move, you don't want your hair to be cricket, don't you? what would your boyfriend say?"

Me: "??"

Theresa:"...." (while looking at me)

Hairdresser: "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Theresa: "???....."

Me to Theresa: "You have a friend who is a boy, you have friends who are boys and girls"

My baby girl doesn't know today's world definition of "boyfriend", which I'm really glad. She is only 6 years old. Is it so normal nowadays that a 6 year old is having a boyfriend? wow...

It's getting harder for parents nowadays to preserve the innocence of a child in today's world. Everyday, more and more the world is trying to rob these little souls' innocent.

We were watching TV (we don't watch TV during the day, when DH home, he turns on TV for a little while), and I can see my kids' eyes were glued to that screen and at the same time, I noticed how quickly DH change the channel, because everywhere he noticed the programs or commercials that are not suitable for the souls, young and old.

The conversation with the hairdresser made me realise that I have to arm myself to protect these innocent souls that The Lord entrusted into my care. How the world has become a very very scary place. At the same time, in prudence, I have to teach these children to become God's army. They need to know what's going on in the world in order to be able to fight for what is right. They need to know that we are in this world in order to know, love and serve God, and to prepare ourselves for Heaven, but we can not be part of the world, because we are not made for the world, we are made for Heaven.

Our weapons won't be deadly weapons, but our weapon will be Rosary and the Eucharist, and we'll be dressed in humility, prudence, and charity.

Now, if only I could find my dress of humility, prudence, and charity, so I can put it on myself and set a good example for my kids, because today I haven't been a charitable mommy toward my kiddos.